Shaken, Not Stirred
The ever-present ads may trumpet “A new breed of secret agent,” but before Diesel Did the Dew in XXX, there existed a number of other contenders looking to untie the Bondian knot. For your unbelieving eyes only:
• Never Too Young To Die (1986)–A heavily mulleted John Stamos makes
out with Vanity, saves the world, and avenges the death of his undercover dad
(George Lazenby, making the most out of his single-shot 007 connection). A wholly
horrifying relic of the ’80s, in all its pasteled, drum-machined glory, but
any movie that casts Gene Simmons as a hermaphroditic supervillain can’t be
all bad. Gadget of Choice: Gene’s C-Cup.
• If Looks Could Kill (1991)–Vacationing High School Senior Richard
Grieco (21 Jump Street) gets mistaken for a missing agent with the same name
and immediately proceeds to blow up most of Paris. A surprisingly agreeable
spy spoof, highlighted by Linda Hunt’s zealous portrayal of a pint-sized De
Sade. The perennially smirking star really needs to cut back on the mascara,
though. Gadget of Choice: X-Ray Vuarnets.
• The Ambushers (1967)–Pulp hero Matt Helm’s filmed adaptations tended
to eschew espionage in favor of Dean Martin cracking smutty jokes and generally
giving the impression that each word of dialogue was hidden in the bottom of
a shot glass. The plot in this one has something to do with tracking down a
missing flying saucer, but in the end all else pales before Martin’s patented
half-lidded savoir-faire. Gadget of Choice: Dino’s completely amazing transforming
waterbed/hot tub/wet bar.
• For Your Height Only (1979)–Leisure suited kung fu master Wang Wang
melts a hole through the screen as Agent 003″. Yes, it’s a reference to his
height. That scratching sound you hear is Ed Wood trying to get out of his crypt
in order to rent a copy of this eye-rending flabbergaster from the Philippines.
Once seen, never to be forgotten. Gadget of Choice: Jetpack, built to scale.