Mad Money
dir. Callie Khouri
Opens Fri Jan 18
Various Theaters
A Hollywood dream team for the post-menopausal set, Diane
Keaton, Katie Holmes, and Queen Latifah star as Federal Reserve
employees who hatch a brilliantly (read: ludicrously) simple plan to
sneak away with some of that worthless American currency before it hits
the shredder. ‘Course, they get busted—but along the way they
learn something about love or trust or friendship or whatever. Frankly,
I don’t know; I wasn’t really paying attention. (One thing that did
catch my eye, however, was the awesomely transparent focus group
addendum conspicuously tacked on the end of the film—needless to
say, there’s no room for sore feelings in a movie custom made to cater
to a housewife’s desperate escapist fantasies.) Fans of semi-geriatric
Diane Keaton gettin’ randy with semi-geriatric Ted Danson, of Mrs. Tom
Cruise’s uncontrollable Play-Doh face, and especially of excessively
rapturous money-throwing sequences: Your ship officially has come in.
For the rest of us, Mad Money stands to offer little more than
the potential “formatted to fit your television” sort of diversion
you’ll need whilst nursing that Sunday morning hangover sometime around
2011. And for that, it’ll do just fine. ZAC PENNINGTON
27 Dresses
dir. Anne Fletcher
Fri Jan 18
Various Theaters
In short, 27 Dresses is a rage-inducing waste
of Knocked Up‘s lovely Katherine Heigl. Ripping off nearly every
moment from My Best Friend’s Wedding, this crappy rom-com storms
your sensibilities with a blitzkrieg of clichés. (Sing-along?
Check. Annoying blonde bride? Check. Unrequited love? Check.) Designed
for walking stereotypes, 27 Dresses will only bring enjoyment to
treacly tweens and husband-hunting sorority girls.
Heigl plays Jane, a freak of nature who so desperately wants to get
married that she’s been a bridesmaid in 27 weddings. Jane’s never said
“no” to anyone in her life—ever—which makes her the perfect
doormat for her boss, George (Edward Burns), fetching his dry cleaning
and feeding him breakfast burritos like a lovesick puppy. Jane is
infinitely hateable, a selfless, self-esteem challenged moron. So when
her “attractive” sister, Tess (Malin Akerman, whose underbite looks
like it’s trying to swallow her face) shows up and steals Jane’s
unrequited love, George, that’s when the drip starts to get a backbone.
Seriously, do you even care about the plot? You’ve seen it all before.
COURTNEY FERGUSON
The Amateurs
dir. Michael Traeger
Opens Fri Jan 18
Clinton Street Theater
A movie about porn for people who don’t like porn.
(Tourists!) Despite a fairly decent cast including Jeff Bridges, Ted
Danson, and Glenne Headly (who was once married to John Malkovich and
apparently, is all kinds of smart), The Amateurs never lives up
to its quirky potential. One of the Gilmore Girls—Lauren Graham,
the old one—is in it too, playing Jeff Bridges’ love interest,
but no, she isn’t in any of the porn scenes. (How old is Jeff Bridges
anyway? Wasn’t Starman made in Nineteen Aught Five or
something?)
In fact, there aren’t any porn scenes in this movie about
porn. Set in Some Small Town Who Gives a Crap USA, Bridges and his
pals, for some reason, decide to make the most boring amateur porn
movie ever. And along the way, Bridges narrates the story in his best
Garrison Keillor voice. It’s all very soothing and nothing really bad
ever happens. My mom would love it. Actually, if you could divide the
world into two camps—people who watch The Shield and
people who watch Matlock—the Matlock people would
poop themselves over this movie. A ringing endorsement if I’ve ever
heard one. Oh! And Ted Danson plays a gay. Whee! KIALA
KAZEBEE