This One Time at Counselor Camp

OMG! Counselor camp is so weak this
year. Last year was so much better, with that dreamy Freddy Krueger in
the arts and crafts yurt! Man, talk about a devil in the dark! This
year, it’s that bore Jason V. What a momma’s boy. He’s always
pretending to drown out in Crystal Lake. He’s all, “Help me, help me! I
can’t swim!” And one of the new girls always falls for it, swimming out
to save him, only to have him grab at her boobies. What a shithead.

Camp Crystal Lake is looking kinda mangy this year, too.
Everything’s falling to shit and Jason’s mom’s gross decapitated head
keeps popping up all over the place. Jason’s such a pig! And there
aren’t very many kids at camp this year, just a group of older ones
that run through every now and then, screaming bloody murder. Oh! Get
this! Someone planted weed all over the archery field, so we’ve been
fucking flying since we got here. I’m gonna be such a heifer
after all the Pringles I’ve been inhaling.

Last week, Chelsea was so mega stoned she went wakeboarding
without her bikini top! We were busting up. But fucking
Jason—seriously, that guy—got so mad he stabbed an
archery arrow through the top of her head. What a douchenozzle.
He’s always looming right behind you, wearing some hockey mask he found
in the tool shed. And he won’t shut up about all the places he’s been
backpacking. “New York City, man, it’s just like, incredible… Dude,
I’ve been to space… Like, have you guys ever been to Hell, it’s
amazing….” Ugh.

Okay, gotta motor—I’m gonna load a bowl and track down Clay
(he so looks like Rory’s boyfriend Dean from Gilmore
Girls!!) and get him drunk in the woods! I’m such a slut.
Hahahahaha! Anyway, you’re not missing anything at camp this year. It’s
totally lame.