THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24
9:00 am NBC MACY’S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
Question: Couldn’t they just once have a 100-foot tall inflatable nude Burt Reynolds?
8:00 ABC A CHARLIE BROWN THANKSGIVING
Linus recounts how the pilgrims gave the Native Americans V.D., while Snoopy dances around a lot.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25
8:00 FOX STAR WARS: ATTACK OF THE CLONES—Movie
(2003) Obi-Wan Kenobi discovers an empire clone factory—and not a single hot clone chick!
8:00 DSC I SHOULDN’T BE ALIVE
Three episodes of adventurers nearly getting their asses chewed off by lions, sharks, and angry wiener dogs.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 26
9:00 SCIFI MANTICORE—Movie
(2005) A pissed-off Iraqi fights back against US imperialism the old-fashioned way—raising an ancient monster from the dead!
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 27
9:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry plays detective, and links the disappearance of Jeff’s dog to his Korean bookie.
10:00 COM DENIS LEARY’S MERRY F*#$%IN’ CHRISTMAS
The salty comic and his even saltier friends sing songs and make fun of Li’l Baby Jesus.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 28
9:00 FOX PRISON BREAK
With Lincoln’s execution quickly approaching, the team puts aside their quilting project to make a break for it.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 29
10:00 ABC BARBARA WALTERS’ 10 MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF 2005
Featuring Tom Cruise, Teri Hatcher, Condi Rice, and Lance Armstrong’s remaining testicle.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 30
8:00 CBS RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
One of the best “creepy wooden puppet specials” EVER, featuring Santa acting like an asshole, and a clearly gay elf.
9:00 ABC LOST
Finally! Kate’s original crime is revealed. (Five bucks says it’s something stupid like ripping a “Do Not Remove” tag off a mattress.)