Thursday, September 19
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THAILANDSeason Premiere! 16 new survivors are airdropped into Thailand and given only $25 to spend on prostitutes! BASTARDS!!
8:30 WB DO OVERDebut! A freak accident transports a 34-year-old back to his freshman year in high school, and no, it doesn’t star Kirk Cameron. You wish.
Friday, September 20
8:00 FOX FIREFLYDebut! Buffy creator Joss Whedon tries to score twice with this Wild West show set in outerspace.
9:00 FOX JOHN DOEDebut! A know-it-all amnesiac helps Seattle cops solve their crimes, while trying to avoid cancellation within three episodes.
Saturday, September 21
8:00 FX M*A*S*H MARATHONSome of the most egregiously awful episodes from the series, including the butt-clenchingly bad series finale!
Sunday, September 22
8:00 NBC THE EMMY AWARDSThe annual ceremony that ignores my favorite shows and awards idiots like Frasier.
9:00 HBO THE SOPRANOSChristopher becomes acting capo, which he hopes doesn’t interfere with jabbing heroin needles into his toes.
Monday, September 23
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL IN VEGASThe 30 American Idol finalists reunite for a concert, making us realize we’d never buy their shitty records in a million years.
10:00 CBS CSI: MIAMIDebut! David Caruso returns in this recycled spin-off. I can’t wait for CSI: Troutdale.
Tuesday, September 24
8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYERSeason Premiere! Sunnydale High has been rebuilt, which means more jocks and cheerleaders for the vampire parade.
8:00 NBC IN-LAWSDebut! Newlyweds move in with wife’s parents, 1950’s-style hilarity ensues!
Wednesday, September 25
9:00 NBC WEST WINGIn this two-hour special, the Prez begs like a little baby to get re-elected.
10:00 ABC MDsDebut! Two wacky San Fran docs bend the rules to help their patients. Like M*A*S*H, but without the necessary alcoholism.