THURSDAY, MAY 13 8:00 FOX THE 15 GREATEST COPS TAKEDOWNS It’s a Cops greatest hits clip-fest, featuring criminals getting shot, tasered, punched, and run over by a squad car. Justice rocks! 10:00 A&E POKER KINGS Some of the most eccentric pro poker players compete for the title of “Poker King.” Poker King? I don’t even know her king.
FRIDAY, MAY 14 8:00 FAM THE KARATE KID–Movie (1984) A New Jersey kid moves to Cali and hears the most feared words in the English language: “Sweep the leg, Johnny.” 9:00 VH1 VH1 GOES INSIDE A documentary with behind-the-scenes footage and the most hilarious clips from South Park.
SATURDAY, MAY 15 8:00 FOX COPS Drunken debauchery at Mardi Gras ’04–or as it will be known when it’s repackaged for DVD, Cops Gone Wild! 9:00 CBS SWORDFISH–Movie The film best known for Halle Berry exposing her breasts. (Standing in for Ms. Berry’s nipples will be Janet Jackson.)
SUNDAY, MAY 16 8:00 CBS HELTER SKELTER–Movie (2004) A remake of the scary ’70s TV movie about a bunch of stinking murdering hippies. 8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS The entire Simpson family is thrown into jail after Bart has the audacity to moon the American flag!
MONDAY, MAY 17 9:00 WB SUPERSTAR USA Debut! Don’t miss this American Idol parody where lousy singers are sent to Hollywood, and talented singers get the shaft!
TUESDAY, MAY 18 8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL The final three contestants sing for an entire excruciating hour. Where’s Justin Guarini when you need him?? 9:00 FOX 24 When the terrorists threaten to unleash 11 vials filled with a deadly virus, Jack decides to cancel his lunch plans.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 19 8:00 WB SMALLVILLE A beautiful girl with superpowers tries to convince Clark to “fulfill his destiny.” Dude, she WANTS you! Tap that booty! 9:00 WB ANGEL Series Finale! Angel and pals suit up for the last time to beat the crap out of the evil “Circle of the Black Thorn.”