The internet is a scary place: There’s free nudity, that
ominous Jeeves chap, one-night stands tracking you down on MySpace,
and—according to the shrill hysteria of
Untraceable—there’s also a maniacal, kitten-killing
computer hacker who uses the web to murder people! Looks like it’s a
case of murder.com!
Actually, the killer names his “untraceable” website (eh? eh?)
“kill-withme.com,” but hey, close
enough. The more people visit his site, the quicker he tortures and
kills whatever victim he’s rounded up (sometimes it’s an adorable
kitty, sometimes it’s a boring person). Sadly, the site’s hits don’t
correlate into a shorter film, as Untraceable slowwwwly annoys
the audience with heavy-handed messages about downloading (it’s bad!),
and entirely too many scenes of people being tortured (a fate that’s
just as horrific as what you’ll get if you illegally download
MP3s—which, in case you weren’t paying attention, is wrong).
Untraceable stars Diane Lane as Special Agent Jennifer Marsh
from the Federal Cyber Crimes Task Force (AKA Nerds with Guns). Marsh
is a gritty detective who puts away more geeky bad guys than To
Catch a Predator‘s Chris Hansen, but she meets her match when the
murderous hacker targets her family, coworkers, and eventually…
hacks her car! (This occurs on Portland’s very own Broadway
Bridge, no less—thus showing that the killer is clearly taking
advantage of Portland’s free Metro-Fi service.)
Listen, we all have problems with Diane Lane, but leave her Saab
alone.
Not since The Net has a film about the internet been this
unintentionally hilarious. Too bad the humor’s lost in
Untraceable‘s steadfast desire to become another unnecessary
entry in the stale genre of torture porn. Much like Hostel or
any number of Saws, the level of violence is used to mask a
shamefully weak script, a complete lack of character development, and
some painfully obvious foreshadowing. (Why, is that a sharpened
gardening tool? I sure hope that isn’t used for a purpose other than
gardening!)
Filmed and based in Portland, Untraceable manages to easily
surpass both Feast of Love and The Hunted as the single
worst movie to ever take place in our fair city. What the hell did
Portland ever do to deserve becoming the dumping ground for Hollywood’s
crappiest movies?