I’ve already shared with you the story of Kai—the homeless hitchhiking surfer dude who “smash, smash, SUH-MASHED” a potential killer’s head in with his trusty ax—(AKA the greatest news story ever told). And while it may have taken a few days, here is the awesome autotuned REEEEEEEMIX we’ve all been waiting for, and of course? IT’S GLORIOUS. Never die, Kai—just get your own reality show where you go around smashing evildoer’s heads in with your ax.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)