I just received some jokes from my best mate in England about the death of Michael Jackson. This illustrates the difference between our two nations perfectly: While the Oregonian is earnestly considering whether Jackson’s legacy will be tainted by the oddities of his latter years, and Portlanders are busy organizing “memorial bike rides,” my English pals are laughing so hard about the whole thing over warm buckets of lager that their bad teeth might fall out. “fnarf fnarf fnarf, very funny….” Etcetera.
So we’re going to do a poll about whether you would like to read them. If you would, I’ll post them after the jump at 3 o’clock this afternoon. If not, then “good taste” will prevail.
MICHAEL JACKSON JOKES: TOO SOON?
I should probably also point out that it’s already been three o’clock in England for three hours. And if you want to contribute to the sick, sick, disgusting haul of absolute non-comedy (I’m hedging my bets, here) feel free to email me.
Update, 3:05pm: Okay, you fucking sickos. They’re after the jump.
First of all thank you, Portland, for restoring my faith in humanity. About ten minutes after I blogged this, I found deadmichaeljacksonjokes.com. As far as I can tell, it’s an English site. You’ll probably enjoy going there to check most of them out. There’s also this site, which features the following gif under the title “Michael Jackson’s Burial…”
This too:
Broadly, however, there are about 8 themes to the jokes, so far.
1 to 7: Pedophilia. For example:
“How was Michael different from acne? Acne doesn’t come on your face until you’re about 13.”
“Now i read the police have searched his house to see if any drugs were involved. They found class A in his living room, class B in his kitchen & class 4C in his bedroom.”
“Reports of michael jackson having an Heart attack are FALSE He has been found in the childrens ward having a STROKE.”
“Jackson will be melted down into lego blocks [a few variations here] so that children can continue to play with him.”
“What do Jackson and Wal Mart have in common? They both have boys pants half off.”
“Due to Michael Jackson’s death, his London dates have been canceled… They were James (age 11) and Thomas (age 9).”
“The ambulance team granted him his final wishes and he was rushed to the childrens ward.”
“Jacko didn’t even want that injection, until the doctor said he was gonna feel a small prick…”
“Q: Why did Michael Jackson die at 3:15? A: “It’s when the big hand touches the little hand”
“What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.”
“A college today said it would be changing its name to Michael Jackson University in his memory. The schools old name was Brigham Young.”
“Michael Jackson died in LA last night. They took him to the morgue. He didn’t get stiff until he went past the children’s ward.”
“Question: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
Answer: Neither of them exist and both leave little boys’ rooms with empty sacks!”
7 and a half: Puns on his song titles related to his death and/or pedophilia. For example:
“Heart failure runs in michael jacksons family, its in his billie jeans.”
“Paramedic 1 ” his heart has stopped ” Paramedic 2 ” then? beat it , just beat it “
“Apparently CPR isn’t as easy as ABC.”
“MJ: Wanna be starting something… Wanna be starting something… Wanna be starting something… Wanna be starting something…
Paramedic: Dude, try your heart.”
“You`ve been hit by,
You`ve been struck by
A failed-ventricle.”
“It’s a shame, he was just going to release a song about his life too…’Michael Jackson in A minor’.”
7 and three quarters: Racially themed racist. For example:
“What’s black, white, and slowly rotting?”
“Only in America, the land of opportunity, can a poor black boy, become a rich white man.”
“What’s especially sad is that most people of a certain generation only know Michael Jackson as a crazy guy who had a lot of plastic surgery — whereas the truth is, he was not only an unbelievably talented, groundbreaking performer, he also helped break down the racial prejudice in this country. He was an extremely powerful symbol — a black performer who whites could relate to and then later in life, a white performer who blacks could relate to.”
“Michael Jackson was not the only victim yesterday. Paramedics at the scene collapsed with exhaustion trying to get the color back into his cheeks.”
8: Offended and usually, misspelled. For example:
“YOUR ALL SICK MICHEAL JACKSON IS A LEDGEND JUST BECAUSE HE SCREWED UP HIS LIFE SHOW HIM A LITTLE RESPECT HE DESERVES IT FOR ALL THE GREAT MUSIC HE DID.”
When Farah Fawcett got to heaven, and went through the pearly gates, she was greeted by God.
“Wow!” exclaimed the Holy Ghost. “We really enjoyed your work here. Especially Charlie’s Angels! I still have a poster in my office of you with that red bikini!”
Farah is a little taken aback. “Thank you, Lord…”
Jehovah goes on, “Well, I have a special reward for you. I’m prepared to grant you one wish. Have anything in mind?”
Not one to act selfish and change God’s opinion of her, Farah thinks for a second and decides upon a wish. “I’d like for all the children of the world to be safe and sound forever.”
“Done!” exclaims the Heavenly Father.
You are a horrible, horrible man Graham……………….who happens to be goddamn funny FOR ONCE.
I don’t mind the jokes, I *do* mind people who say they’re glad he’s dead.
http://www.ismichaeljacksonalive.com/
i have some really good ones. see me in person to hear them.
“Moonwalk in peace” shirts available on http://www.miguelaron.com
And when he got to heaven, god said: “Beat It!”
Because I’m dead! I’m dead! Come on!
(Dead! Dead! Really, really dead!)
You know I’m dead! I’m dead! You know it!
(Dead! Dead! Really, really dead!)
You know I’m dead! I’m dead! Come on, you know!
(Dead! Dead! Really, really dead!)
And the whole world has to answer right now, just to tell you once again:
WHO’S DEAD?!
Damn it took me 32 seconds to figure that joke out. *shamed*
“I’m dead … throw Blanket on me … I mean, throw A BLANKET on me”
(Can’t take credit tho, I heard it last night)
It took me longer than that linkypants.
I conclude he’s still alive. Such a recluse in recent years and now money troubles. Sure he had the 02 shows to help turn things around – but would they have really?
Either way, his decline is so sad. He either never grew up out of his juvenile innocence or was simply a very very weird man. I guess the world will never know for sure now that he’s disappeared.
Anyhow, you might as well joke away… If you didn’t care to show respect when he was around… why front now?
Out of respect, McDonalds is doing the McJackson burger
…
50 year old meat between 10 year old buns
cmon, i heard he had a heart attack in a crowded market. nobody wanted to give him mouth-to-mouth.
when finally someone did, they pinched his nose and it fell off.
stop the recycling of old jackson jokes. serious. i hope you get the bassline of billy jean stuck in your head.
Tweets from Michael Ian Black:
• Upset about Michael Jackson. The 13 yr. old in me still loved him. The 37 yr. old me wanted to see him complete his transformation.
about 18 hours ago from web
• When they do MJ’s autopsy, do you think they’ll find Tinkerbell inside?
about 15 hours ago from web
• First morning without Michael Jackson. The world has lost a superstar but gained a ton of hair relaxer.
about 9 hours ago from web
“I AM Peter Pan!”
I’m with miguelaron. I only want to hear them if they’re new and funny.
What Gave Captain Eo a Heart Attack?
1. He “stumbled” into the Jonas Bros. changing room.
2. He smoked too much “Jesus Rock.”
I am english living on this side of the pond and need to hear them jokes now; nothing lightens up my day than a good few jokes about the latest celeb to kick the bucket
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite attraction in Portland?
Jamison Fountain!
(It’s funny because it’s true!)
Counting down to 3pm…
I heard the time of death was 3:15
…..when the big hand is touching the little hand…….
I heard he wanted to be cremated and put into an etch a sketch so that kids can still play with him.
It’s after 3pm. Where’s the fucking jokes at Matt? Fucking joke of a paper can’t even publish some jokes on time.
I wonder if instead of a black armband, they will wear one black glove?
$20 for THAT shirt miguelaron? That is the real crime here. Vyrm stick to quoting a much funnier person.
Hmm, those rather quite suck.
tell that to the folks that bought them, i guess?
Here are the best of the best. Michael Jackson jokes: The Greatest Hits.
http://nationallampoon.com/articles/michea…
Jehovah’s Witnesses messed him up then disfellowshipped him.
Rest in Peace Michael Jackson,many of MJ’s dysfunctions arose from the conflict of his repressed Jehovah’s Witnesses belief system and the life of a rock star.
Jackson didn’t die of heart disease, it was food poisioning… he ate an eight-year old weiner!
haha. “Having a stroke”.
I find it interesting that 99.9% of reporters and commentators state or imply that Michael Jackson’s connection with the WatchTower Cult ended when he was disfellowshipped in the 1980s.
Katherine and Rebbie’s family are all active JWs. Anyone who knows anything about JWs knows how this would play on MJ, who was at onetime an extremely devout JW.
In fact, circa 2004-5, a southern California newspaper published photos and an article showing MJ and his children attending their local Kingdom Hall. Does anyone really believe that someone with MJ’s ego would not only attend a “meetings” at his Kingdom Hall, but also take his children with him, if he were being shunned as disfellowshipped persons are at a JW Kingdom Hall. I suspect that MJ had been “reinstated” as an active JW sometime prior to 2004. Let’s see some reporter dig into that one. Don’t expect the WatchTower Society or local JWs admit such without presentation of overwhelming evidence given present citcumstances.
The negative influence of the teachings of the Jehovah’s Witnesses on Michael and his family have been either downplayed or totally ignored for as long as the Jackson Family has received public attention. For those readers who really want to know what life is like to be reared in the WatchTower Cult, nothing beats real world scenarios, and of real world scenarios, nothing beats actual civil and criminal court cases.
The following website summarizes 900 court cases and lawsuits involving children of Jehovah’s Witness Parents. The summaries demonstrate how JW Families rear their children and live life day-to-day. Also included are nearly 400 CRIMINAL cases — most involving MURDERS:
DIVORCE, BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS, AND OTHER LEGAL ISSUES AFFECTING CHILDREN OF JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES
http://jwdivorces.bravehost.com
The best one I’ve heard is:
Due to his untimely death, all Michael Jackson’s upcoming English dates have been cancelled, beginning with Colin (aged 10) and Nigel (aged 8).
Here you have, another couple from http://michael-jackson-dead-jokes.blogspot…. These guys seem to be updating every hour!
“TMZ reports former pet Bubbles the Chimp was shocked upon hearing the news of his former owner.
Bubbles stated: “Although I am saddened during this difficult time, I take relief in knowing Michael is finally off my back”. “
Top 10 Ideas for Michael Jackson Memorial Meal
————————————————————
10) The Way You Make Me Veal
9) Break of Prawn
8) Want to Be Starchin’ Somethin’
7) Rock Shrimp with You
6) Heel the World
5) Smooth Crimini
4) Pretty Young Wing
3) Billy Jean Almondine
2) Remember the Thyme Roast Chicken
1) Black or White Cookies
http://michael-jackson-dead-jokes.blogspot…
hahaha too soon for michael jackson jokes?! check out this video-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tnVMkXEcI0
Hey here’s one:
When Farah Fawcett got to heaven, and went through the pearly gates, she was greeted by God.
“Wow!” exclaimed the Holy Ghost. “We really enjoyed your work here. Especially Charlie’s Angels! I still have a poster in my office of you with that red bikini!”
Farah is a little taken aback. “Thank you, Lord…”
Jehovah goes on, “Well, I have a special reward for you. I’m prepared to grant you one wish. Have anything in mind?”
Not one to act selfish and change God’s opinion of her, Farah thinks for a second and decides upon a wish. “I’d like for all the children of the world to be safe and sound forever.”
“Done!” exclaim the Heavenly Father. He snaps, and Michael Jackson appears next to Farah
When Farah Fawcett got to heaven,and went through the pearly gates,she was greeted by God.”Wow”exclaimed the Holy Ghost.”We really enjoyed your work here.And I still have a poster in my office of you with that red bikini!” Farah was taken aback. “Thank you,Lord….”Jehovah goes on,”Well,I have a special award for you.I’m Prepared to grant you one wish.Do you have anything in mind?” Farah thinks for a second and decides upon a wish.”I’d like for all the children of the world to be safe and sound forever.”
“Done!” exclaims the Heavenly Father.He snaps,and Michael Jackson appeas next to Farah.
ZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZZ