The main problem with young penguins these days is their unnatural love for that crazy, terrible heavy metal music! HA! If you want to call it that! It’s actually just a bunch of horrible noise produced by people who have no respect for… for… STOP THAT “MOSHING” OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT, PENGUIN! What are you rebelling against?!?

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Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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