The annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) is going down February 22-25 in National Harbor, Maryland—and DO YOU HAVE YOUR TICKETS YET? No? Well perhaps you just don’t know enough about this conference which is designed for hard-right conservatives, alt-right snowflakes, lipstick-wearing gun nuts, the proudly deplorable, and cardboard cut-out saluting Trump supporters. Featuring a poop-ton of conservative speakers including the Trump administration, Sen. Ted Cruz, Gov. Scott Walker, Fox News celeb (and Trump crush #1) Sean Hannity, General Mike Flynn, Milo Yiannopoulos, and many more primarily white people, CPAC is the only conservative leadership conference you need to help overthrow the 2,864,974 voters who helped Hillary Clinton win the popular vote.
STILL NOT CONVINCED? Then check out just a few of the many (and absolutely 100 percent REAL) seminars you can attend this coming week at CPAC:
“A Conversation with Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon” (In which the two will probably argue over who is the actual president of the United States.)
“The Popular Vote—Does it Matter & What You Can Do About It” (Guys! The popular vote is EMBARRASSING for those of us who actually control the country. Majority rule is for suckers.)
“Banning Poor People from Jobs” (Wait… most conservative supporters are poor? Never mind.)
“Black Lives Matter, So Why Does the Left Not Support Law Enforcement?” (See what we did there? That’s called a “pivot.” You’ll learn all sorts of things at this conference!)
“Book Signing: Michael Medved The American Miracle: Divine Providence in the Rise of the Republic“ (True story: I once sat next to Michael Medved in a movie, and he spent the entire time loudly eating an apple and farting.)
“How to Become a Conservative Journalist” (Because we must remove bias from journalism!)
“Book Signing: Matt Margolis The Worst President in History: The Legacy of Barack Obama“ (The only problem with this book is that the title is too subtle.)
“Facts, Not Feelings: Snowflakes, Safe Spaces and Trigger Warnings” (Don’t worry! The subject of “libtards” will also be discussed.)
“Book Signing: Joe Messina Ramblings of a Right Wing, Bible Thumping, White Guy“ (Did we leave anything out? You know, other than “racist” and “misogynist”?)
There’s also this seminar… but rather than comment, I’m just going to leave this one right here.
And my absolute favorite seminar of all…
True, there’s no such thing as God or heaven, but this seminar title makes a good point—why should the right allow immigrants into our country, when God will be sending all racist conservative a-holes straight to hell? IT AIN’T FAIR!
You can see all the seminars here, BUT WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Get your tickets to CPAC right now and right here. Because as bad as it currently is, CPAC is committed to making America just a little bit WORSE.
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Article has no argument of why you find these things wrong or funny. Very arrogant and ignorant.
THE POPULAR VOTE. The election was 100% rigged for Hillary. If it had been fair, Trump would’ve won 70%+? of the vote.
BLACK LIVES MATTER. Funded by Nazi colloaborator George Soros who also funded Obama/Hillary.
BLACK LIVES MATTER George Soros sponsors faux revolutuons around the globe to overthrow democratically elected governments.
BLACK LIVES MATTER?But blacks are the ones killing blacks.Cops kill more whites than blacks. @PORTLANDMERCURY doesnt use FACTS = FAKE NEWS
OPENLY BIAS PRESS IS FINE. (see Chomsky) Problem is pretending to be nuetral when youre not. Or like @portlandmercury articles w NO FACTS
OBAMA WAS A HORRIBLE PRESIDENT. Can you give me ONE example to counter this argument?? @portlandmercury has NO facts. = Very Fake News.
ARMED/FABULOUS. Yes Americana is cool. Conservatism is the new counter-culture. @portlandmercury is like mormans protesting punk rock in 80s
BORDERS. @portlandmercury do you have a door on your house?? locked?? why??
RESISTANCE CALENDER? Trump IS the resistance. PDX MERCURY has been duped into fighting for billionare multinationals that give a fuck about you or the people.
Glad I got all the way through that comment, as “The Mör-mans” would be a great band name, though I’m not sure what genre.
Well, “signup,” I guess made-up facts are better than “NO FACTS!” But can you clarify for me what differentiates “= FAKE NEWS” from “= Very Fake News”? Oh, and see that little squiggly line that appears under some words when you’re typing? It means you spelled something wrong. Wait, are you gonna tell me that spellcheck is a libtard, snowflake, Soros-funded conspiracy, too?
not an argument. Leftists hate facts. very predictable.
hey signup, shut up. youre making the rest of us look bad. i bet it’s a troll account made by the editor himself in an attempt to curdle the recent swarm of anti-leftist visitors to his site by making the reasonable ones indistinguishable from the idiots to all but those with a discerning eye. nice try mercury, nice try.
I got one o’ my eyes on you, Third Power! You don’t fool me!
Great article, so important not to lose our sense of humor, esp with all these easily offended defensive right wingers reading everything. Maybe if Fox and breitbart had more content these guys wouldn’t have time to troll real news?
Thanks for the laughs and keep up the pace guys!