Hi. I'm Francine Colman-Gutierrez. Here are some actual comments some of you wrote about my column on Facebook (facebook.com/portlandmercury)... which, by the way, you are wrong about.
"Someone please get this bitter bitch a boyfriend, or some Häagen-Dazs." Wrong. I prefer Dippin' Dots.
"Boring and pointless." It does have a point, and the point is you're wrong.
"Self-important asshole, parading around as a journalist." Dear person parading around as if he's right: You're wrong.
"OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE HATES IT." You're wrong about that. See below.
"I personally love her." You're wrong about that. See above.
"Neil deGrasse Tyson deserves better!" Wrong. Neil deGrasse Tyson has it pretty good.
"This woman. Nothing would cheer me up more than her obituary and an empty funeral hall." Sounds like you'd be happier if there were more dead women.
"You, Miss, are a 'tard, a pseudo-hipster, and I'm starting to think a troll as well." "Starting to think" might be a bit of a stretch for you.
"Give the people what they want: Frank Cassano!" You're wrong about that. See below.
"I prefer the Hulk." You're wrong about that. See above.
"This column doesn't exactly explain why I'm wrong." Right.
"I'll cut this bitch." Actually, it's "I'll cut a bitch."
"Anyone could come up with better stuff while sitting on the toilet in the morning." Wrong. When I tried writing this on the toilet this morning, it was awful.
"Random insults are not the same as wit." Actually, "wit is educated insolence," according to Aristotle, who also thinks you're wrong.
"What a bunch of crap. I visit Portland on business and see nothing but Subarus—so I bought a 2015 STI in Cali! Fire this chick ASAP!!!" Terrible choice. The STI's suspension is too stiff, it has a heavy clutch, unresponsive shifting, slow boost response, unimpressive horsepower, cheap interior trim, AND it's $8,000 more than the comparable WRX. However, it does look like the penis you'll never have... so there's that.
"I read it to be a satire of people who spend their time hating irrelevant things." You are wro... ahem. See you next week, everybody!