Dear Readers: I need your help. While you may not realize it, superheroing costs money.

I know, I know... I’m the “King of Atlantis.” I should be drowning in dough, right? Unfortunately, the currency of Atlantis is mollusk shells, which are of zero worth on dry land—and yet that’s where I’m spending most of my days. Think about it: Where does 99.99 percent of crime occur? In the deep-sea canyons off the coast of Spain? No! Crime happens on land. (And sometimes in outer space?) That’s why I need land-dweller MONEY. To fight crime on land!

And yes, I’ll admit it: The reason I’m currently a bit cash-poor is due to an unwise investment in an underwater air pool. You know how surface-dwellers have pools filled with water? It’s like that, except with air, and... look. This isn’t the time to get into the physics of air pools. But they are very expensive. Way more expensive than regular pools. My wife Mera wanted one (would not let it go), but nobody in Atlantis knew how to make one, so I ended up hiring Kenny, a land-based contractor (FIRST MISTAKE), who I had to pay in surface-dweller money (SECOND MISTAKE), and who said he knew what he was doing, but went way over budget, and... well, I should’ve pulled the plug then (THIRD MISTAKE). But then I got offered the Justice League movie, and thought, “Oh boy! This is gonna be huge! Everybody’s gonna love it, and I’ll finally have some money that isn’t rotten mollusk shells!” (FOURTH MISTAKE).

I mentioned this whole fiasco to Batman, hoping he’d be a pal and help me out. Instead he just smirked, dropped a ninja smoke bomb, and disappeared. Then—like two days later—he hired Kenny to install an air pool in the Batcave! Batman doesn’t even need an air pool! He lives in air, and—

But enough about that. Let’s just say if you want the same level of excellent superheroing I’ve provided in the past (remember when I smacked the Joker in the face with a sea cucumber?), I’m depending on you. As a reminder, my skills include swimming fast, being strong, using my MIND to talk to fish, and smacking the Joker in the face with a sea cucumber.

And I’ve got some great rewards to thank you! For a $5 donation, I’ll e-mail you a “GIF” of me riding two flying fish like waterskis! Ha! Pretty cool. For $10, I’ll send you one sand dollar—a whole one, not the crappy broken ones you find on the beach! And for $25, you’ll receive a LIVE FISH to do with whatever you please! (Feeling guilty? Don’t! These are pervert fish who have committed perverted fish crimes!)

So go on, give generously! “Water” you waiting for? (Heh!)