Dear Readers: I need your help. While you may not realize it, superheroing costs money.

I know, I know... Iā€™m the ā€œKing of Atlantis.ā€ I should be drowning in dough, right? Unfortunately, the currency of Atlantis is mollusk shells, which are of zero worth on dry landā€”and yet thatā€™s where Iā€™m spending most of my days. Think about it: Where does 99.99 percent of crime occur? In the deep-sea canyons off the coast of Spain? No! Crime happens on land. (And sometimes in outer space?) Thatā€™s why I need land-dweller MONEY. To fight crime on land!

And yes, Iā€™ll admit it: The reason Iā€™m currently a bit cash-poor is due to an unwise investment in an underwater air pool. You know how surface-dwellers have pools filled with water? Itā€™s like that, except with air, and... look. This isnā€™t the time to get into the physics of air pools. But they are very expensive. Way more expensive than regular pools. My wife Mera wanted one (would not let it go), but nobody in Atlantis knew how to make one, so I ended up hiring Kenny, a land-based contractor (FIRST MISTAKE), who I had to pay in surface-dweller money (SECOND MISTAKE), and who said he knew what he was doing, but went way over budget, and... well, I shouldā€™ve pulled the plug then (THIRD MISTAKE). But then I got offered the Justice League movie, and thought, ā€œOh boy! This is gonna be huge! Everybodyā€™s gonna love it, and Iā€™ll finally have some money that isnā€™t rotten mollusk shells!ā€ (FOURTH MISTAKE).

I mentioned this whole fiasco to Batman, hoping heā€™d be a pal and help me out. Instead he just smirked, dropped a ninja smoke bomb, and disappeared. Thenā€”like two days laterā€”he hired Kenny to install an air pool in the Batcave! Batman doesnā€™t even need an air pool! He lives in air, andā€”

But enough about that. Letā€™s just say if you want the same level of excellent superheroing Iā€™ve provided in the past (remember when I smacked the Joker in the face with a sea cucumber?), Iā€™m depending on you. As a reminder, my skills include swimming fast, being strong, using my MIND to talk to fish, and smacking the Joker in the face with a sea cucumber.

And Iā€™ve got some great rewards to thank you! For a $5 donation, Iā€™ll e-mail you a ā€œGIFā€ of me riding two flying fish like waterskis! Ha! Pretty cool. For $10, Iā€™ll send you one sand dollarā€”a whole one, not the crappy broken ones you find on the beach! And for $25, youā€™ll receive a LIVE FISH to do with whatever you please! (Feeling guilty? Donā€™t! These are pervert fish who have committed perverted fish crimes!)

So go on, give generously! ā€œWaterā€ you waiting for? (Heh!)