Hi Mercury readers! I hope you’re ready for some SCOOPS! I’m the Mercury’s newest reporter—Sam “Scoopy” Sanderson! (Just call me “Scoopy”! After all, that’s what my sources call me... when they’re giving me scoops!) And now, on to this week’s... SCOOPS!
SCOOP!
Tweet tweet! A little birdy told me that the Waterfront Park cherry blossoms are in full bloom—sounds like spring is finally here! Watch out for needles!
SCOOP!
Word on the street is that Burgerville refuses to acknowledge their employees’ union! But before you boycott, I also heard the union refuses to acknowledge that Burgerville’s Mint & Oreo milkshakes are the best in town! (Two “scoops” for me, please!)
SCOOP!
Mrs. Jorgensen—she’s my journalism teacher? The one who helps me put out the school paper?—said I could take this internship at the Portland Mercury for extra credit, even though it clearly violates state and federal child labor laws! Hi Mrs. Jorgensen!
SCOOP!
Mr. Humphrey—he’s the editor of the Mercury? And ultimately liable for breaking all those child labor laws?— smokes a lot of drugs, and said I can put whatever I want in this space, because “[Expletive] it.” Haha! Hi Mr. Humphrey!
SCOOP!
Melissa said no when I asked her to spring formal. :(
SCOOP!
During the night, someone left a large bundle of mysterious papers on my family’s doorstep! They were stamped “TOP SECRET” and some of the pages were in Russian, I think? Plus there was a note that said, “This should blow the whole thing wide open.” Weird! I recycled them! (Give a scoop—don’t pollute!)
Those are this week’s SCOOPS! If you have a scoop for me, Sam “Scoopy” Sanderson, just email scoops@portlandmercury.com! Also, need a date to the spring formal? Me, too!
