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Got a question for Soiled Mattress Down by the River? Send it to “Ask a Soiled Mattress Down by the River” c/o this newspaper.


Dear Soiled Mattress Down by the River:
My 15th wedding anniversary is right around the corner, and I really want to do something special to show my husband how much I love him; Any suggestions?
—Margaret Beeman, NW Portland

Margaret, congratulations on what is truly a momentous milestone! And while I'm sure you've celebrated past anniversaries in a number of romantic ways, have you tried spending time on me? The soiled mattress down by the river?

Picture if you will: a candlelit dinner at one of Portland’s most exclusive restaurants. Then, dancing into the night—your cheeks touching, your bodies swaying suggestively to the music. And then, a moonlight stroll, your hands clasped, your eyes exchanging shy but sensual glances. That’s when you “coincidentally” come upon me, the soiled mattress down by the river.

No words are needed. It’s obvious your breasts are pushing against the buttons of your blouse, yearning to be free. Likewise, his manhood is pressing against the unfair confines of his zipper. Together, you tumble down onto the mildewed softness of me, the soiled mattress down by the river. Brushing aside greasy hamburger wrappers, empty bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and spent condoms, you frantically tear at each other’s clothing, allowing yourselves to give in to your fevered frenzy! And then? You make breathless, unrestrained love to your lover.

Your passion eventually explodes, and then, exhausted, the two of you lie there together drenched in post-coital sweat and the smell of countless others who’ve consummated their love on my moldy, torn fabric. He kisses your eyelids, wipes his genitals on a nearby Doritos bag, and lifts you to your feet. “Thank you for the most memorable anniversary of our long, happy marriage, my dearest,” he softly whispers. “Oh, don’t thank me,” you might reply. “Thank the soiled mattress down by the river, who reminded me to celebrate the true, primal nature of our endless love.” Happy anniversary, Margaret. And you’re welcome.