What’s your problem?
by Osama Bin Laden
Dear Osama Bin Laden: My name is Jeremy and I am 10.
Sometimes I like to fix my own hair, but whenever I do, I mess everything up.
What can I do to fix my hair?
-Jeremy, Age 10
THIS IS A WARNING TO ALL OUR AMERICAN OPPRESSORS:
Allah commands me to wage a holy fatwa against Jewish and American tyrants.
Your reign of imperialist genocide against the land of the two Holy Mosques
is fast approaching its tyrannical end. Islam will not surrender the Arab Peninsula
to a world of oppressive, animal vagrants. Allah has decreed your time will
come! Remember that, as your airborne pigs shit death on the heads of my people.
Osama Bin Laden
Dear Osama Bin Laden: Whenever I start up my car in the morning, I hear this
really loud “REEEEE! REEEE! REEEEE!” sound. Any clues?
–Rebecca Stoltz
THE HOLY WAR OF ALLAH HAS JUST BEGUN: In the slaughter
of many Islamic young fighters and citizens of Afghanistan, Bosnia, Chechnya,
and Iraq, the United States and its insatiable allies have grown fatted and
comfortable. You relax and we strike, as the snake strikes and feeds on the
resting boar. The snake lives on, as the boar’s corrupt blood trickles from
its neck like tears. The United States is that boar. Afghanistan is the sharp-eyed
snake. Your country will trickle apart like shards of glass. Peace upon Mohammed.
Osama Bin Laden
Do you have a problem that needs solving? Send it to
“What’s Your Problem? By Osama Bin Laden” c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd
Ave, Suite 2, Portland, OR 97210.
Looking at these columns 11 years after the 9/11 attacks, I can only say that the Portland Mercury folks of 2001 were complete idiots.