HELLO, I’M SIX-YEAR-OLD JONATHAN LIPNICKI! You know… from Jerry Maguire! As a trusted public figure, I’m often asked to offer LOTS of opinions—that’s why I’m pleased to introduce my new column: “SQUEEE or SQUICKY? by Jonathan Lipnicki.” Hope it rates a “SQUEEE!”
Sleepy kittens: That’s… SQUEEE!
A grown dog licking the inside of your mouth: No thank you! That’s… SQUICKY!
Harry Styles from One Direction: You better believe that’s… SQUEEE!
Stepping on a slug: Oh, that’s definitely… SQUICKY!
Hearing there’s a planned remake of Pete’s Dragon: Ohgodohgodohgod yes, and… SQUEEE!
Getting pee-pee in my eye: Can’t even think about it, it’s too… SQUICKY!
Tiny hedgehogs: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Weird feet: Squick, squick… SQUICKY!
Cupcakes in the break room: Best day ever! And… SQUEEE!
Guys with food in their beards: Ugh. SQUICKY!
Ryan Gosling’s nipples: Hummina, hummina, and… SQUEEE!
Pink eye: Unnnngghhh, soooooo… SQUICKY!
Baby bunnies sitting in teacups: Even you have to admit that’s… SQUEEE!
The word “moist”: Blech. That’s… SQUICKY!
A tiny top hat: Worn by a duckling, that’s extra… SQUEEE!
Wiggly teeth: Get away from me with those teeth! SQUICKY!
Jonathan Lipnicki at age six: Absolutely, without a doubt… SQUEEEEEEEE!
Jonathan Lipnicki at age 13: Ummmm, well… SQUICKY.
Jonathan Lipnicki at age 25: Ahh-OOOH-gah! Pant! Pant! Also… SQUEEEEEEEE!
