Hi. I’m Francine Colman-Gutierrez. Here are some things you are wrong about.

Old People: You’re wrong. Some of them aren’t creepy at all.

Daylight Savings Time: Wrong. You’re not actually saving anything.

Your “Cool” Dad: He is so not cool.

“There IS Evidence for God” Billboards: You are very wrong about that.

Neko Atsume: Just like God, the cats aren’t real.

McDonald’s All-Day Breakfast: It’s better than you could possibly imagine.

Megyn Kelly: Uh, guys? She still works for Fox News.

Raccoons: Not cute—their tiny hands are aberrations of nature.

Wine Gardens Taking Up Parking Places: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Replying “K”: Just a short way of saying, “You’re not worthy of my time.”

Mayoral Candidate Door Knockers: Tell your people they picked the wrong door, Jules Bailey.

Attending a Conservative Evangelical Church While Not Believing in the Core Tenets of Said Church: Pick a side, Jules Bailey.

Restaurants That Play Reggae: How could that be right anywhere in the universe? (Okay, fine… maybe in Jamaica.)

Enjoying Deadpool: You’re embarrassing yourself.

“Pot Smells Good”: Pot smells like ass on those days when my ass says, “Uggh. I smell like ass.”

Broad City: Needs work.

Tina Fey: Needs work.

Meghan Trainor: She’s a-mazing.

Men in Scarves: A noose would look better.

My Sister’s Fiancé Ben: He’s the worst possible choice you could make, sweetie.

Moving to Canada if Trump Is Elected: You would do no such thing, you fucking liar.

Voting for Hillary Clinton Solely on Her Promise to Declassify UFO Files: I can get behind that.

7 replies on “Returning Column!”

  2. Daylight Savings Time: Doesn’t exist.
    Daylight Saving Time however, you are correct, doesn’t save anything.

    And Deadpool is an acquired taste. But that’s just my opinion.

  4. As President, Bill Clinton made an attempt to learn if the US Government had any conclusive information about UFOs. He was rebuffed. The National Security Act of 1947 holds the Secretary of Defense to be unaccountable to the President on matters of National Security. Look it up. Hilarity knows this full well. She’s full of shit, as usual. The only way to possibly, get disclosure from the US Government about UFOs, extraterrestrials, and/or, inter-dimensional beings, is for Congress to amend the National Security Act.

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