PORTLAND MAN SENTENCED FOR RUNNING OVER ANOTHER MAN’S ARM!!! “A 29-year-old driver who ran over the arm of a man who was mocking him was sentenced to nearly two years in prison Monday,” begins Aimee Green’s story.
BEATING OBESITY!!! Atlantic writer Marc Ambinder does the highbrow version of The Biggest Loser:
TEN FOR SUPREME COURT!!! Obama’s list surfaces.
CONAN IN EUGENE!!! He opens his US tour.
LEHMAN’S ALTER EGO!!! They dumped all their shitty assets in a firm called “Hudson Castle.” Hang on. I bought shares in Hudson Castle. Gadzooks!
JACKIE KENNEDY INTERVIEW TO BE PUBLISHED!!! “I’m rich. I married a womanizer.” Etcetera.
TW-ASHING IN!!! Twitter starts selling ads.
LADY GA-GA: CELIBATE!!! So much for taking a ride on your disco stick.
OBAMA BOWS TO CHINA!!! No! No! Noooooo!
STEVEN SEAGAL’S “STRANGE AND SOMETIMES VIOLENT SEXUAL DESIRES!!!” This is a real pleasure of a read.
JESSICA SIMPSON GOES ALL ROSEMARY’S BABY!!! Actually looks pretty hot as a Mia Farrow-alike.
Good day.
GOOD MORNING, MATT! HOW ARE YOU?
TW-ASHING? Really?
And Jessica Simpson did NOT cut her hair. She showed up at the Good Housekeeping 125-year anniversary party last night with long hair.
Yes, that update on Jessica Simpson’s hair was brought to you by Reymont.
@Graham VERY WELL, THANKS FOR ASKING.
@Reymont. WTF, man. WTF. So this is all some big hair hoax?
“And maybe if she can’t hide under a mane of hair, she’ll lose some weight before they have to cart her fat ass around on a hand truck”
Ugh. Just ugh.
Also…THIS HITS A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO HOME.