It Could Have Been Worse, Part I: He’s done with North Carolina, where he wasn’t such a boor, and now Hurricane Earl is inviting himself to a few thousand Labor Day barbecues in Cape Cod and Long Island. How social!

It Could Have Been Worse, Part II: The oil rig off the coast of Louisiana that exploded into flames yesterday didn’t sink us into another six-month saga of catastrophe and deep-sea engineering lessons. Oh, speaking of the shit that BP’s negligence stirred, now company officials warn that limits on its drilling could affect its ability to pay for cleaning its mess.

Mad scientist? Maybe now that he’s been detained. A cylindrical item stashed inside a scientist’s luggage looked a wee bit like a pipe bomb, prompting an hours-long evacuation at Miami International Airport. Seems like an over-reaction, but the fellow in custody has spent time in prison for carrying around VIALS OF BUBONIC PLAGUE.

At least there, the gubernatorial candidates had a debate. But it wasn’t pretty for Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer, the woman who has championed an overwrought picture of violence while selling a potentially unconstitutional crackdown on illegal immigration.

A brave appearance by the victim in one of the most horrific attacks I can imagine. Bethany Storro, bandaged and numbed after a random woman threw acid in her face while walking in downtown Vancouver, says “I can’t let what she did to me wreck my life. That’s not fair. But in time, I’m going to forgive her.”

Mexico’s quiet massacre. In the Juarez Valley, once home to 20,000 people, authorities and citizens have confronted—and promptly set aside—500 murders in four long years of drug violence. Across Mexico, some 28,000 have died.

If you’re among the cynics who see the Israeli-Palestinian peace talks as tired theater—and who could blame you!—then here’s a “review” of this week’s performance.

Fidel Castro is feeling better. After four years spent recovering from health problems, the 84-year-old Cuban Boss Emeritus emerges to give a speech warning of nuclear war. How charmingly retro.

For the record: “Happy Days” lasted six seasons and 164 episodes after Fonzie famously “jumped the shark.” The man who wrote that episode, Fred Fox Jr., explains why that moment wasn’t the tipping point when all things Cunningham and Fonzarelli began slowly reducing into a turd laid by Scott Baio, Crystal Bernard and Ted McGinley.

Now this is funny:

Denis C. Theriault is the Portland Mercury's News Editor. He writes stories about City Hall and the Portland Police Bureau, focusing on issues like homelessness, police oversight, insider politics, and...

14 replies on “Good Morning, News!”

  2. ACTUALLY HAPPY DAYS LASTED 11 SEASON AND HAD 247 EPISODES. IT HAD SIX SEASONS AND A 164 EPISODES AFTER THE JUMP THE SHARK EP.

    GOOD MORNING PORTLAND MERCURY BLOGTOWN.

  3. GOOD MORNING, DENIS! HOW ARE YOU?

    I REALLY APPRECIATE THE EFFORT YOU’RE PUTTING INTO THE MORNING NEWS! CREATING LITTLE NARRATIVES AND STORIES FOR EACH ITEM! WELL DONE, SIR! WELL DONE!

  6. ANYONE SEE THAT HENRY WINKLER IS ON A NEW ADULT SWIM SHOW WITH ROB CORDRY AND MEGAN MULALLY? IT’S PRETTY FUNNY.

  7. GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! I LIKED HENRY WINKLER IN ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. THOUGH JUST BECAUSE A SHOW LASTED FOR SIX MORE YEARS DOES NOT MAKE IT GOOD.

  8. GOOD LATE MORNING TO ALL! THE ACID ATTACK VICTIM IS TRULY, AWESOMELY MAGNANIMOUS.
    OREGOMETRY,
    YOU ARE THINKING OF CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL. IT IS VERY, VERY FUNNY-MY NEW FAVORITE SHOW. IT ALSO STARS ROB HUEBEL, WHOSE TWITTERS ARE DENSELY LULZ-LADEN.

  12. @TSW: THAT AND THE NEW SEASON OF DELOCATED HAVE RENEWED MY TV VIEWING BEYOND TOP CHEF AND MAD MEN. I CAN’T DECIDE IF THAT’S A GOOD OR BAD THING.

  13. OREGOMETRY,
    DON’T FIGHT IT. EVERY SHOW YOU MENTIONED IS QUALITY VIEWING. IT’S A LOT OF WATCHING SO JUST REMEMBER TO ATTEND TO YOUR HYGIENE ONCE EVERY FEW DAYS.

    DELOCATED IS SO BIZARRE YET HILIARIOUS. IT’S SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR ME USING THE PHRASE “BONE ZONE” WAY TOO MUCH.

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