Good Morning, News!

Good morning, Portland. And thank you, on behalf of the Portland Mercury. Thank you for not rushing into our handsome new offices downtown and setting them ablaze—the punishment one gang meted out to an upstart newspaper in Mexico early this morning.

Speaking of gangs in Mexico, hackers in Anonymous have decided not to publicly shame people working with that mean ol’ cartel, the Zetas. Why? The Zetas said they would start killing people. They’re pretty good at it, after all, and the hackers didn’t want reprisal murders on their heads.

For the last time, the United States government “has no evidence that any life exists outside our planet, or that an extraterrestrial presence has contacted or engaged any member of the human race. In addition, there is no credible information to suggest that any evidence is being hidden from the public’s eye.” Which is exactly what you’d expect them to say.

A record 5.6 earthquake, followed by nearly a dozen aftershocks, has given a generation of Oklahomans (when they’re not being taciturn and flinty) something new to talk about for the next 40 years.

As previously mentioned, Occupy Portland protesters have chained themselves together in Terry D. Schrunk Plaza, escaping arrest on the same night police in Atlanta busted up a march and arrested 20 and after 20 others were arrested after not marching fast enough on New York City sidewalks.

Death Toll Report No. 1: At least 65 people have died in a coordinated burst of suicide bombings and gunfire attacks in a Nigerian city. The attacks are probably the latest work of a violent sect of Islamists.

Death Toll Report No. 2: Horrible flooding in Thailand’s capital has left 500 people dead and is threatening to send black, oily, filthy water coursing through Bangkok’s subway system.

If you’re unemployed, there’s an overwhelming chance you’ve been without work for so long you’ve exhausted every single federal and state extension of your unemployment benefits.

The wealthy old men who control the NBA have given the wealthy young men who play in the NBA four days to approve a “labor” contract/money-sharing agreement that still, relatively speaking, will leave both sides fantastically wealthy.

An inside look at why the resurfacing of the Morrison Bridge has been such a disaster—and why the project will continue for months to make life miserable for commuters.

NEWS FLASH! Next year’s presidential election—a year from today’s date—will be negative and annoying and difficult.

Yep, Facebook has gotten even more annoying, and now Slate’s Farhad Manjoo is telling us why, but not really.

I AM GOING TO EAT SOME LUNCH RIGHT NOW! MAYBE AN OMELET? WHAT DO YOU THINK? I ALWAYS HAVE A VERY, VERY HARD TIME DECIDING. BUT YOU KNOW HOW THAT IS. ANYWAY…