Happy Saturday! You know what? You know what I feel like doing? Here’s what I feel like doing: I wanna mourn with somebody… with somebody who doesn’t know me.

Yes, elections matter. Maryland’s Democratic governor is itching to sign gay-marriage legislation that just squeaked through the state’s House of Delegates. Meanwhile, New Jersey’s Republican governor did exactly as he promised and vetoed legalization yesterday. Maryland’s marriages, however, could wind up on the ballot this fall.

By 2015, just in time to capture the Cubs’ epic World Series sweep over Miami, the FAA will open up American skies to a flood of drone aircraft—for commercial purposes, sure, but just as much for purposes of surveillance.

The feds helped another Muslim man plan a terrorist attack, step-by-step, and then arrested him after months of stringing him along. He posed no threat to the public.

The US Supreme Court peed all over the Montana Supreme Court’s attempt to block corporate spending on state and local elections, but two liberal justices, at least, tried to ease the sting of humiliation by suggesting a reconsideration of Citizens United.

China opposes outside intervention in Syria’s proto-civil-war. Unless, of course, it’s the one doing the intervening—with a top envoy visiting during another spasm of violence to endorse Bashir al-Assad’s offer of a “referendum” and “elections.” That’s all fine with NATO.

Rick Santorum now says birth control “can and should be available.” But not if you’re a poor woman who relies on Title X federal funding to family-planning organizations. He still wants that to go away.

A Republican sheriff/border hawk/congressional candidate is accused of trying to deport a former lover, who happens to be, um, Mexican, after the woman refused to keep quiet about their affair.

Someone at ESPN got caught being an asshole in a headline about Jeremy Lin.

An OHSU pediatric nurse—from Washougal, which seems important to note—is facing child pornography charges, the hospital announced at a news conference yesterday.

Someone translate this and tell me what it says. It’s a got a picture of a Big Mac in a rice cooker. I’d like to somehow blame ESPN.

THE FBI IS GOING TO SHUT DOWN THE WHOLE BIG INTERNET ON MARCH 8. AAAAAAHHHHH.

AGAIN, AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Denis C. Theriault is the Portland Mercury's News Editor. He writes stories about City Hall and the Portland Police Bureau, focusing on issues like homelessness, police oversight, insider politics, and...

11 replies on “Good Morning, News!”

  1. Just a point of clarification: the Republican sheriff’s Mexican former lover is actually a man, scoring this even higher on the schadenfreude scale.

  8. Literal google translation:

    Step 2: “and serving of rice on the Mac fries. We will continue to inhale water Mack fries, water will not have to worry about is OK to put Coca-Cola so later.” – O.K…

    Step 5: “Coca-Cola will help you put an appropriate amount. It is important to note here is that instead of putting a Coke Coca-Cola ZERO normal. Sweetness will become stronger and usually put the Coca-Cola.”…Errrrmmm, no thanks.

  9. Always love reading Good Morning, News. Unfortunately, i am too cheap to buy the Washington Post online edition. Could you rely on them a little less, or link to similar stories in other press?

  10. “He posed no threat to the public”….aside from wanting to detonate an explosive device in a busy Government building?. After all, any sane rational person would do the same. Wait, no they wouldn’t.

  11. Big problem with this one: “A Republican sheriff/border hawk/congressional candidate is accused of trying to deport a former lover, who happens to be, um, Mexican, after the woman refused to keep quiet about their affair.”

    Wrong gender used in your write-up. It was actually a man from Mexico, which is why the story it is deliciously awesome.

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