Credit: Aaron Renier

The stupid government is always offering worthless classes–food handling, CPR, driving–but in their attempts to curb supposed dangers like “salmonella,” “choking,” or “vehicular manslaughter,” they’ve ignored the far more likely, far more dangerous threat of ZOMBIE INFESTATION. Thankfully, the zombie-killing experts at the Mercury are around to save your ass. Cut out this guide, post it in a conspicuous location in your home, and you’ll be (somewhat) prepared when you wake up one morning to find your neighborhood overrun with brain-hungry swarms of the rotting undead. Best of luck!

DECAPITATION.

To kill zombies, you need to destroy their brains. The most surefire route is simply lopping off the cranium with a chainsaw, machete, or samurai sword. Mind the follow-through, however– anything less than 100 percent severance just isn’t good enough.

BLUDGEONING.

Any blunt object–from a baseball bat to a brick–wielded with suitable force at the cranium will destroy the brain. But be quick on your feet and keep your eye on the target, slugger–when you’re this close to a zombie, miss even once and you might as well just hand your brains to the zombie on a silver platter.

BURNING.

Don’t have the convenience of a sniper rifle to take out zombies from afar? The next best thing is a Molotov cocktail–just make sure the zombies are far enough away so they’ll be reduced to ashes before they can shamble after you.

EXPLODING.

A solid technique, but one that requires heavy weaponry. In the chaos that will doubtlessly strike an urban center after a zombie infestation, make your way to a military storehouse or a morally dubious pawn shop and acquire a rocket launcher. Then shoot, load, and repeat.

With honor and distinction, Erik Henriksen served as the executive editor of the Portland Mercury from 2004 to 2020. He can now be found at henriksenactual.com.

28 replies on “How to Kill a Zombie”

  1. Thank God there are answers out there. Tonight, I had a conversation about Zombies, Wherewolves and Vampires. We knew how to get the Vamps and the Wolves but not the Zombies. Thanks!!

  4. “pouette sucks men” is obviously a little gay homo wanker that doesnt understand how close pouette came to being eaten. Well done man. Hopefully some of us will survive in order to begin again.

  6. Decapitating teh zombies wont outright kill them. the head can sill bite… Setting them on fire just turns them into shambling torches until the brain is incinerated. Blowing up the zombies = bad idea. unless the brain is destroyed in the explosion, the rest of the body could still come after you, or someone else as a hidden danger in (for example) a field. My point: To kill the zombie, separate the brain…from the head, not just the head from the body.

  7. thank god I found this website if a zombie came to my house I would have been dead, I would have threw all the knifes in my house,the guy is the is gay a hobo I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE HIM SEND ME ALL THOSE THINGS.

  14. Thats stupid just shoot them in the head. Yeah all thats great if you dont hve a gun but f**K that i’d find me a gun lmao. I think the most fun way would be to explode them or beat the to death with a hatchet MMFWCL!!! ZOMBIESAREREAL!

  18. WoOw this is sad i searched this up bcuz mii and my friends r doing an imovie 4 skool and we were arguing on how we were gonna kill the zombie in et but 2 see that ppl actually BELIEVE that their real is so fucking sad w0w grow the fuck up get laid and SHUTTHE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!

  22. Over here in England we dont kill zombies, we create them, sit and watch our t.v for a day, and watch the life drain out of you.. the only way to combat this , play some ramones and sex pistols tracks and get the blood pumping again….hey ho lets go , god save the queen… Cheers (Crookesy the dronfield strangler) Sheffield England

  24. I was nine years old when I found out how to kill a zombie, Ya’ll just noobs x3

    But, Good advice! You should go into way more detail, OR post videos on how to crush zombie heads 🙂 Just saying

    ~DemonKing

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