If you have a complaint, Portland City Hall has a voicemail for you. Call
503-823-4740. It’s the job of the public advocate in Mayor Sam Adams’ office to field concerns from citizens—and she fields a lot. In fact, a transcription of the complaints left on her voicemail from the last nine months spans 176 pages, and we’ve picked out the best of the best complaints of the year for your reading enjoyment. Beware: many are depressing and crazy. (Surprised?) Portland as a city is all about promoting public input, but many of the comments directed to the mayor’s office are, at best, aggressive and unhelpful and at worst, tirades about subjects the mayor has no control over. So go ahead, lodge a complaint. A volunteer will dutifully transcribe your voicemail and, if it’s actually relevant to the mayor’s office, send it on to a staffer. You may even get a response—but when you do, remember: It’s not going to kill you to be nice.

December 30, 2009, 11:21 am This here message is for Sam Adams, who thinks he’s the leader of Portland. You’re no leader. We have no leaders in Portland. I’ve been sitting in traffic in the same spot—the same half-mile of I-5—for three and a half hours, going on four hours, just inching my way along, because of icy roads. If you were any kind of a leader, this wouldn’t be happening. Unfortunately, it’s a city of thugs, like our president and the rest of the Democrats currently at the controls of this country that have driven it into the fucking ground! You asshole!!

December 30, 2009, 12:10 pm You can’t get this city to do anything except ruin itself. You know what? I have to tell you something. I know the camera puts on 10 pounds, but Sam, you need to know: You are getting fat—around the middle, where it’s very dangerous for your heart. So, you are a fat failure.

January 4, 2010, 11:36 am We own City Liquidators down here on the east end of the Morrison Bridge. I’m calling today about the homeless camps that surround our property. It’s now gotten beyond control. It was two or three, three or four, and now there are 15. There’s human feces everywhere. There’s just poop, poop, poop. It smells like urine. We’ve tried to cut the smell with Pine-Sol, and that didn’t work. We’ve tried being nice. This weekend they were in here in our building using our bathrooms and now both bathrooms are down.

January 5, 2010, 1:21 pm I was raped by the drug taskforce—anally. I GOT RAN OVER BY TRIMET. It drove over the sidewalk and ran me over. I am CRIPPLED now! Are you FUCKING happy?! Your fuckin’ Sam Adams—little faggot bastard—is a FAKE. And your goddamned election office is FAKE and shit! I am so pissed, I have no recourse except to OPEN FIRE!!

January 13, 2010, 10:12 am Yeah: I think the overtime parking tickets downtown are outrageous. Since you have extended your parking meter hours—and on Sunday—I just made up my mind, I boycott downtown. There are plenty of other places to shop: out in the suburbs—out of the city limits of Portland, even. So, okay, thanks for nothing. Oh, by the way, Lars Larson, 750 KXL: He thinks so, too. So, digest that.

February 3, 2010, 11:27 am Well, hello liar: This is your constituent. Say, Sam, I was reading that the states of Oregon and Washington have spent $72 million to figure out how to build a bridge—and you hayseeds can’t even get that done.

Friday, February 4, 2010, 10:12 am I would like to suggest to you that there are much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much more important things that need to be dealt with for our citizens in Portland than bicycle issues. Do not force this onto people. People who like to ride bicycles—that’s wonderful. But, the majority of us do not plan to change. We do everything else: We change our light bulbs, we’re vegetarians. You know, if you really want to push a political agenda, why don’t you push vegetarianism? That is the biggest cause of pollution to the soil, and the air, and the water that there is. Thank you. Ciao.

February 10, 2010, 4:19 pm Hey, we need a bus to drive the hungry out to the fields to work and eat their crops. Thank you.

February 12, 2010, 8:25 am Mayor Adams: I want to say thank you to you and to the Portland Police Department for ridding Portland of yet another unarmed black man. I am very grateful to the service that the Portland Police Department is doing by one-by-one murdering these people and I’m even more grateful to Mr. Scott Westerman for explaining how it is their job and their duty to continue to murder these unarmed people. So, give the Portland Police Department a slap on the back, also, because, again, what you have done is murdered another innocent black man. Keep going and we will rid the city of those horrible innocent black people. Thank you.

February 12, 2010, 8:40 am I don’t think I need a call back because I don’t think anything will ever be done—but I’m just sick and tired of turning on the news. The police are just so power hungry that that’s all they do is shove people around. They’re just running around shooting everybody—and unarmed people: kids, teenagers. Stupid!

February 12, 2010, 1:16 pm Hi, Sammy: What is your problem? Are you crazy? Are you a nutcase? Come on, they’ve been trying to fix the sewage problems in Portland, Oregon, since the 1930s and collecting money. And it’s little idiots like you that keep taking the money and spending it on other things. We don’t need 700 miles of bike paths in the city! You know what? Not that many people ride bikes! Pull your head out, you nutcase!

February 19, 2010, 8:15 am Good morning. I’m a career mental health nurse. I live in West Linn. I have followed all the deadly police shootings in Portland and have noticed that they are almost exclusively against people of color, people with mental disabilities. The police are out of control. The mayor is doing nothing to stop it and Rosie Sizer seems uninterested, unwilling, or unable to stop it. When you see me in the demonstrations, I’m a little gray-haired lady.

March 24, 2010, 11:04 am Yes, I was calling in response to the mayor’s decision to spend $20 million from the sewer fund for bicycle paths. As someone who lives down river from the City of Portland, I want to register a complaint that you guys are still dumping raw sewage into the river when it rains. What’s more important: bicycle paths or doodie in the river? We’ve about had it down here with you guys telling us how to live and you doing these terrible, horrible things to our river. It’s disgusting. Thank you.

March 31, 2010, 3:40 pm I’ve invented a flower guardian to keep the squirrels from chewing up all the beautiful flowers.

April 1, 2010, 2:58 pm I’m outraged about this incident that occurred the other day in downtown Portland by this small group of these whacko fruitcake anarchists and the kid-glove treatment that the City of Portland and the police seem to have when it comes to these nutjobs. And Sam Adams wonders why businesses are leaving Portland. And, so, yeah, screw it. Take your city and shove it, Sam!

April 2, 2010, 10:40 am Yeah: Tell Mayor Sam Adams to watch his backside. Mike Tyson’s fuckin’ after him.

April 7, 2010, 9:36 am Do yourself a favor, Sam Adams, and fire the internal police review, and internal affairs and Sizer, and Randy Whatever-His-Name-Is from city council. Keep Erik Sten, but get rid of fuckin’ other guy, please, so we can get some justice; because if there ain’t no justice for me, there ain’t going to be any justice.

April 12, 2010, 3:44 pm Hi. I’m calling to say, I am a citizen of Portland, and Rosie Sizer needs to be fired—IMMEDIATELY! And, the entire police department needs to be looked at. These people are going CRAZY! How STUPID are you people?? Apparently, pretty stupid. Rosie Sizer needs to be fired! FIRE Sizer! FIRE Sizer! FIRE Sizer! [Repeated 10 more times.]

April 15, 2010, 2:08 pm Getting a paid vacation for beating somebody to a bloody pulp or killing someone in cold blood is ridiculous. And, as a voter, I’m not going to hold the police chief accountable; I’m going to hold Sam Adams accountable. You know, you can build all the bike lanes you want, but that’s not really going to impress me—and I’m one of your hipsters here in Portland.

May 10, 2010, 5:07 pm Hi, folks: I’m finding it a hard time accepting the idea that you want to waste so much of my tax dollars on garbage like babying bicyclists and making more and more little paths for them, but you’re going to cut the police force and mounted patrol!? This is your ever-complaining Joanne. You do not need to call me back, because I know that you do not care.

May 12, 2010, 9:25 am If you need to cut a cop, how about Rosie Sizer and the guy who killed James Chasse? Thanks.

May 12, 2010, 9:26 am Hey. I was just reading the Portland Tribune, and I didn’t know that our mayor called Storm Large Portland’s First Lady, and then I read this article about her. I find out that she’s a drug user, a heroin user, and has been having sex since she was like 10 years old and that she is a major, major slut. That just tells me right there how confused, whacked out, unmoral, and undecent, and how farfetched you are, Mayor Sam Adams. She’s not even from here.

May 21, 2010, 12:55 pm I’ve been here for about 75 years, and I’m so disappointed in you, Adams, and your raising of the sewer and water rates. And now you want to take that money and siphon it off for low-income bioswales, and all the other environmental whacko stuff that this city does. I’m against it. I resent it.

July 2, 2010, 4:12 pm I’m calling long distance. I’m in Texas and I’ve been made aware that the local reptile shop on Pacific Highway has a black mamba; and I think that’s very dangerous, and I’d like to have something done about it. I used to live in Portland.

July 6, 2010, 11:30 am This is bull crap, man. I’d rather be under British rule than sit and listen to these idiots giving my mother a heart attack. There ain’t no police going to do nothing. You sit there and say that this stuff is illegal, when every single asshole in this city is, you know, lighting off M-80s and Roman Candles… the city sounds like Vietnam, man.

August 2, 2010, 12:53 pm I voted for you, dear. I would always agree with you—but I do think they are missing where a lot of money is being spent. And, I make the best rye Old Fashioneds you ever had.

August 13, 2010, 8:42 am I hope this message goes to Mayor Sam Adams, because he’s the appropriate one and he’s the one I called and the one I want to talk to. I hurt. I’m crippled. I can hardly walk anymore… I want to go home. I want to go back to living… I’ve had it… I’m tired of living on the street… I want to die, but God won’t let me, will he? I want to fuckin’ die because everyone refuses to see me and give me proper care. It’s probably way too late now, huh? [Sobbing.]

August 30, 2010, 1:30 pm Yes, Mr. Mayor: I think you’re making the legal gun owners criminals, and letting the criminals off. I disagree with your gun stance. I think you’re anti-gun. I got the information from the NRA, and I believe you’re wrong. So, you can kiss my ass. Goodbye.

September 3, 2010, 3:34 pm Mayor Adams: I worked for you. I voted for you. I did everything I could to make sure you got elected because I believed in you. You are a miserable failure! This whole bag thing?? I am disabled. I cannot carry a paper bag. The only thing I want bagged is you. Paper or plastic, paper or plastic? Mayor Adams. How would you like it to be? Paper or plastic? I hope someday you’re disabled and you can’t carry anything either.

September 7, 2010, 10:14 am Hey, I’m calling to see if Mayor Adams had the opportunity to read Mr. Canzano’s column in Monday’s paper. Thanks, Mayor Adams, for making the city such a better place with your useless bike lanes and your bicycle projects. I wouldn’t vote for you, Mr. Adams, if you were running for street sweeper on my street. You are that pathetic. Thank you.

September 15, 2010, 12:55 pm I’ve just heard the news that the ultra-far-left whackjob liberal mayor and city council of Portland, Oregon, will be raising the Mexican flag over city hall over the urging of the Mexican consulate there in Portland. Yes, once again, you’ve shown your complete disdain for America, with your multicultural, diversity, far-left, fruitcake, secular, progressive agenda shining through bright and clear.

September 23, 2010, 11:48 am Sam: I have two degrees from Reed Fucking College, and I’m so proud of you that you understood that the best way was just to fire all the motherfuckers on the [budget advisory] committee. You’re really getting it, Sam. You’re not going to be a one-term mayor. You’re going to go the max.

Sarah Shay Mirk reported on transportation, sex and gender issues, and politics at the Mercury from 2008-2013. They have gone on to make many things, including countless comics and several books.

35 replies on “Take Your City and Shove It!”

  1. I really wish people would stop hating on cyclists. You guys think bike lanes are a waste of tax dollars? We’ll see who’s laughing when fossil fuels are extinguished, and your fat McDonalds ass can’t get home to Beaverton.

  2. Keep crying and fantasizing about cars “disappearing’ you illiterate stoners – as the diminishing tax base that pays your way flees for real and you’re forced to try and survive.

  3. God damn, you’re all a bunch of babies. Everyone just shut the fuck up and show a little respect to one another. You worthless pieces of shit. Sort of like that.

  5. HA! April 7, 2010, 9:36 am comment about ditching some council members, but keeping Erik Sten is great! That Sten left his post on April 4th, 2008, 2 years and 3 day before this message was left, seems to be irrelevant to the caller!

  10. Storm Large may have made some questionable choices and made some mistakes in life (who has’nt?) , however she has overcome that and gives to others selflessly. She has had to get through hard times in life, and I can tell you that having met her personally, she is a tremendous person. People like the tool that left that message feel they are qualified to judge others based on their morality and choices really sicken me. Many people with that have made those choices did so because they felt unloved or empty inside. Way to crack on some for that. As for the bike thing….whateva. Portland is a city with nine million fringe groups and interests who feel theirs is the supreme concern. There is nothing wrong with bike commuting, but you are not supremely entitled. I do however very much agree with building and expanding the bike lanes for everyone’s benefit

  11. proof that motorists are vulgar, ignorant and angry. maybe its from spending all that money, or the guilt of making us invade other countries for the convenience of driving a few blocks to buy more plastic. i’d need to be ignorant too in order to live that way. i’d probably have other personality disorders too.

  13. Last time I checked, most people love living in Portland. There are so many places for right-wing, religious-freak nutcases to live and just a few left for us sensible/rational people who like it here and make it such a great place to live.

    You’d think the nutcases would expend their energy moving to one of the many shithole cities in the US that are dominated by religious nutcases and others of their ilk rather than spending time making useless phone calls to a voicemail system.

    That’s what I did when i got sick of living in one of the US’s largest, southern dumps run by inbred, hateful, illiterate rednecks. Three cheers for Portland!!! One of the few places left where right-wing psychos still live fruitless, hopeless, frustrated existences.

    More bike lanes, please!!

  14. Ha ha, that spam comment actually feels like it fits in this thread!

    I’m going to call up the complaint line and just say: “Restaurant food *is* way too salty.”

  16. if cyclists want bike lanes let them pay for licences and registrations to pay for it. hell, i’ll even chip in some of the fees that i pay to own and run a car. no prob. we all need to get around.

    but can we please stop the shit (human fecal matter) from spilling into willamette river. the government of portland needs to stop diverting funds from incredibly important public works projects into initiatives that only benefit 10% local population. for a city that claims to be “green-minded” i can’t believe that we ignore the cesspool in the middle of the city. as citizens we should all be outraged.

  17. @ D
    This “illiterate stoner” probably paid more income taxes last year than YOU make in 5 years net profit, you jackass. You consider yourself the “diminishing tax base”? I bet you live with your mom. Die.

  20. @el dulce – care to share how much you paid – or will that classy pic of your hipster glasses have to speak for the ‘massive’ amounts that you make? @el dulce+D – you both equally sound like self-important morons to me.
    Its stupid to think that all internal combustion engines will go away – planes, trucks, and all cars will be eliminated? Care to take a bike any time you want to move your furnature cross-country or to visit friends? Row to Europe or Tibet for a vacation? Wait 4 weeks for a package from Amazon shipping? Not likely. It’s also just as stupid to keep going with our foreign oil dependency. However, the truth is much of our tax base that pays for transportation is based on the fees that autos, trucks, and airplanes pay – something big will change if those dollars go away.

    Better/worse – no idea – we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Just chill the heck out.

    But yeah – fix the friggen cesspool river, dump the stupid bums that keep taking the money we pay them and not even fix pipes or basic services. A fire hydrant outside my house got hit 3 YEARS ago, it’s been marked by the city, and it’s still not fixed. Or how about actually giving us the tri-met services we’ve been paying for. Or how about figuring out why our schools are in the the top 10 of funding per student, but in the bottom 10% of performance.

  23. I don’t like Cars, but there not going away any time soon. I just hope the people that drive them, aren’t asshole-tea bagging types like the ones leaving these messages. The angrier they get, the more likelier they’ll leave, the safer I’ll feel commuting on my trusty steel-framed steed.

  25. I’m bummed my phone in complaint didnt get in this article.It went like this,”Hello…hello?Yes ummm could you send out a posse to my house.I’m under seige by a bunch of bored,angry,egotistical shit for brains.What?O.k.I.ll hold.[elevator music]Is this Mr. Bummed?[me]Uh yes it is.I didn’t know I was going to talk with someone live.[him]Well sir you’ve reached the hipster hotline and we think bitching anger spewing banter is…well HIP!!!![me]But it just fucking bums me out that you think that way.It seems such a waste of time and energy.Why cant we all[Him]Sir shut the fuck up!!Listen if you could move a little closer to your kitchen window it will be easier for me to shed light on your question.[me]Ummm okay.I’m here by the window so what[ the sound of glass breaking]OUCH !!!A fucking brick?!!!![Him]Eat shit lovemonger.Hate and anger are here to stay.[click brrrrrr]

  26. OKKK…I now know why all of the City Of Portland vehicles have the logo or should I say low go, “Portland…The City That Works” They only work the members of the SS. Who knew?

  28. People will never tire of bitching, nor will the Mercury tire of clinging lovingly to the Mayor’s taint like so much underwear lint.

  29. I’ve grown up, lived and biked through portland my entire life. What sucks about all thses new cyclist is the inssistance of riding down the busy roads just to show off their fucking look and fixies. Pretty stupid when they could be using the parrelel side neighborhood streets with much less traffic and potential to look like a dumbass. I feel like when the city has pressing financial limitations as it is, then all you transplants need to SHOW ME YOU LOVE MY HOMETOWN BY RIDING WITH ME ON THE SIDE STREETS ….yes, IT WORKS FINE. Plus, this is just a dangling carrot for us liberal voters who should be willing like I did to inform sam that a few more bike lanes is not going to change the police rampage problem. In fact, both issues come down to personal responsability and accountability. And if Sam wants to put in more bike lanes great but if doesn’t do anything about making examples out of trigger happy cops than I will simply ride my bike down a side street on election day vote for the types of individuals who don’t backdown from a just fight. But how many hipsters actually give two shits about the minorities that they’ve inadvertanly pushed out to the back burner of priorities as PDX prepairs for making this new voting block of self obsorbed cool kids and their fixed gears.

  30. Kinda of scared to share the streets with these people. And scared for my fiance who bikes everywhere and doesn’t seem to understand that many drivers here wish him ill will.

  31. This is an example I’ve why I thank my local politicians (Ben Cannon, Sam Adams & others) for actually taking the job and trying to make Portland a better place to live and work. Remember they raised funds (kissed ass) and basically paid to take a job that doesn’t nearly pay what they spend to “win” the job.
    Thanks Sarah for exposing us to the insides of all that makes Portland interesting.
    yard tamer

  32. Got to love the fact that the Mercury only printed the transcripts that trivialize the LEGITIMATE question concerned with HOW we are supposed to pay for bike lanes with public funds designated for MUCH NEEDED sewer upgrades.

    But who cares about all the xtra human shit flowing into the river? We don’t need to accommodate the growing population’s fecal flow. We need to accommodate this new voting blocks ability to more easily show off their fixed gears as they look hip riding down Mississipp there.

    But hey, leave it to the Mercury to maintain the status quo under the guise of “keeping Portland weird” and progressive.

    I MEAN, maybe, just maybe, diverting funds to bike lanes is a short sighted attempt on the Mayor’s part to win more votes from a transplanted population of self absorbed hip kids who think it’s cool to pour their shit into the river. Sounds like it’s worth a shot.

    OF COURSE WE NEED some new bike lanes ….but 100million dollars worth, RIGHT NOW? ….WHEN SHIT IS FLOWING into the RIVER?

    C’mon, let’s get our priorities strait by taking a slower and more holistic approach to the infrastructural necessities of the flow of people and their poop.

    Just cause you flushed doesn’t mean your shit’s gone, it has to go somewhere like downhill.

  33. Thank you, Portland Mercury for printing these complaints. Laughter is indeed the best medicine. What a menagerie!
    On a more sober note, I will not be riding a bicycle in this town anytime soon unless I want to be mowed over by Mad Max Mel.
    Poor Sam Adams.

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