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Biden gets Super Tuesday boost while Bloomberg goes bye-bye.
Biden gets Super Tuesday boost while Bloomberg goes bye-bye. David McNew / Stringer /Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! They say my lip gloss is cool, my lip gloss be poppin'. I'm standin' at my locker, and all the boys keep stoppin'. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

First a reminder: If you're sick, STAY HOME. If you're well, GO OUT TO A RESTAURANT, MOVIE, OR MUSIC VENUE. Don't get weird about it and allow fear to damage the businesses that we all need. They need your support. Thank you and let's do some news!

After what seemed like a political death sentence, Joe Biden picked up some serious steam on Super Tuesday, snagging the delegates of nine states including the important Virginia and Texas. California seems to be going to Bernie Sanders, but now it's clearly a two older white man race (sigh), with Biden solidifying his base of moderate and Black voters and Sanders relying on the votes of progressives and young people. Meanwhile things looked bad for both Elizabeth Warren and Michael Bloomberg, both of whom had a very rough Super Tuesday. Bloomberg has suspended his campaign (saaaad trommmbooooone!) and has thrown his support to Biden, leaving Warren to decide whether or not she has a path forward in this race.

This headline is pretty misleading... though I do love a "lunging vegan": "Jill Biden’s epic tussle: In split-second blocking maneuver, she protects husband from lunging vegans."

Perhaps most baffling—though not when you consider the patriarchal clutches this country still finds itself in—Elizabeth Warren took third place in her home state of Massachusetts, with Biden surprisingly taking the top spot, followed by Sanders.

The ailing stock market jumped this morning after hearing of Biden's surge—which can't be good news for the bumbling, corrupt Trump.

In coronavirus news, the World Health Organization has declared that the virus is somewhat more deadly than the flu, but does not transmit as easily. Meanwhile, after being roundly criticized, the government response team (led by super trustworthy science-man Mike Pence) has lifted the restrictions on who can be tested for the virus. Currently Seattle is the national hotbed for the virus, with nine people dead and a high school closing after a student was found to be infected.

The Supreme Court is scheduled to hear its first big abortion case since becoming infected with GOP lackeys. The case will be a challenge to a Louisiana law that would leave only one doctor in one clinic in the entire state that would be able to perform abortions. Meanwhile in Texas, some towns are trying to create "sanctuary cities for the unborn" where legal abortion would be criminalized. EEEEEEESH!

A swarm of tornadoes ripped through Nashville yesterday, killing 25 and causing untold damage.

Wake up grandpa: Famed prog rock group Genesis is planning a reunion!

IN LOCAL NEWS: Though already presumed, the CDC has made it official and confirmed Oregon's first coronavirus case. That being said, 12 more suspected cases of the virus have come out negative. TAKE YOUR GOOD NEWS WHERE YOU CAN GET IT.

The Oregonian is chiming in with their recipe for making your own hand sanitizer at home—OR, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN JUST WASH YOUR HANDS. Jesus Christ, people. Stop getting weird about it.

Good question: "With coronavirus spreading in Oregon, will Republicans rethink their Capitol boycott?"

A jury has cleared a local protester who was twerking during a 2019 protest and was arrested by the cops. Our Alex Zielinski has the details.

Beloved local music promoter (and longtime Mercury pal) Mike Thrasher of Mike Thrasher Presents has died at the far-too-young age of 48. Our Jenni Moore has more on his legacy.

HEY, YOU LOVE COCKTAILS, RIGHT? Then don't miss the upcoming Mercury HIGHBALL week, featuring 50 craft cocktails for only (*checks notes*) $5?? Wow!

Now let's cast our beady eyes skyward at the WEATHER: Oh boy! Another warm afternoon ahead with the high reaching a balmy 58!

And finally, do your Wednesday like this guy does his life... like an OLYMPIC EVENT. (Watch to the end!)