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Its Memorial Day weekend... STAY AWAY FROM THE BEACH!
It's Memorial Day weekend... STAY AWAY FROM THE BEACH! OGPhoto / iStock / Getty Images Plus

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! It's a crack, I'm back, I'm standing on the rooftops shouting out, "Baby, I'm ready to go. I'm back, I'm ready to go." LET'S GO TO PRESS.

First of all, ALERT: The saddest looking bear in the world is running around loose in a Gresham neighborhood. (And I would like to be congratulated for not making a single joke about Gresham. And trust me... I had about six or seven lined up.)

According to the Oregon Health Authority, half of Oregon's counties are struggling when it comes to maintaining the health criteria necessary to protect residents from COVID-19 and keep their counties open.

As a lot of Oregon recreational areas are opening this weekend (just in time for Memorial Day), the state is urging people to "stay local" and play close to home to avoid spreading coronavirus to smaller, less medically equipped communities.

A middle-aged man in a Salem penitentiary is the first Oregon prisoner to die of COVID-19. Our Alex Zielinski has more.

Originally postponed due to the pandemic, Jeremy Christian, the man who fatally stabbed two and seriously injured one person on a MAX train in 2017, could be sentenced next month.

Well, that was short-lived: Oregonians will once again not be allowed to pump their own gas. (Totally okay with that!)

The Pearl District's Verde Cocina has closed its doors due to the coronavirus pandemic—though its sister restaurants will remain open. Our Bob Ham has the details.

• Okay, this is legit SHOCKING: In Washington state, identity thieves stole personal information from tens of thousands of people in order to get hundreds of millions of dollars in unemployment benefits.

A new study shows that people who take hydroxychloroquine to treat coronavirus (like our inept leader Trump does and suggests) are potentially risking their lives.

In Alabama, where the Governor was slooooow to enact social distancing measures and quick to lift them, there is a distinct danger of a resurgence of the virus. To compare: Just a few weeks ago, Oregon and Alabama were neck and neck in positive cases and deaths attributed to the coronavirus. Now they have almost FIVE TIMES as many.

The CDC has updated their information on how coronavirus spreads, emphasizing that transmission happens primarily "person to person" and it's less likely to be picked up from contaminated surfaces or animals.

After the Michigan Attorney General rightly and correctly chastised Trump on CNN, calling him a "petulant child" for refusing to wear a face mask while touring an automotive plant, Trump went on one of his patented tweet-rages—proving absolutely and without a doubt that he's a petulant child.

The man who filmed the murder of Ahmaud Arbery, the Georgia man who was killed for jogging while Black, has been arrested and charged with felony murder.

According to protesters, the Chinese government has dealt a "knockout blow" to the pro-democracy movement in Hong Kong after the ruling Communist Party leveled new, stringent laws—including arresting those who disrespect the Chinese national anthem.

Get your tickets NOW for the hilarious (and sometimes poignant) Confinement Online Film Fest (CoFF) debuting TONIGHT, Friday May 22. Grab those tickets and watch the trailer here!

Need MORE laughs? Then don't miss the livestream I, Anonymous Show next Thursday, May 28 at 8 pm! Hilarious comedians, jaw-dropping rants and confessions... what more could you possibly need? (Don't say "love.")

Now let's stop fucking around and look at the WEATHER: Expect another showery morning with a high of 61, butter-dicks.

And finally... me, going into the weekend like THIS: