There’s a child weeping hysterically in the street outside my home as I write this. School’s back! Your education, meanwhile, begins here. Unless you’re a teen. Get in school, teen.
First, an occasional GMN feature: Sports! I’m about to be on vacation, so this is my last chance to say, as an alumnus of Michigan State University, how badly I hope all you rabid Oregon Ducks fans I’ve lived among for the last five years are left bitter and anguished after the Spartans visit on Saturday. This has been: Sports!
Who are we bombing today? Iraq? Maybe. Syria? Seriously considering it. Somalia? Yes, Somalia. Specifically a training outpost of extremist group al-Shabaab. The military’s trying to confirm whether the grou’s spiritual leader was killed in the air strikes.
But that’s not your most-pressing concern, right? You want to know what sort of high jinks Vladimir Putin has gotten up to since Saturday. Well, he threatened to invade Ukraine’s capital in a telephone conversation with a high-ranking European functionary! (Now Russia’s saying that’s a misquote.) And now his underlings are making loud noises about shifting Russia’s military allegiances should NATO, as expected, put thousands of troops near the Russian border.
Dr. Atkins was right, surprisingly. A new longterm study—the first of its kind—offers ample suggestion that carbs are the devil’s own inventions, and that we’re all better off slamming steaks and lettuce-wrapped burgers and cheese than we are even touching a bagel. Put down that bagel.
That guy who ruined your pleasant westerly drive back into the city yesterday by threatening I-84 drivers with a gun? DeNorris McClendon, 27, a young man with a history of mental health issues, as Denis described yesterday. The police shot McClendon, but he’s still with us—and facing a bunch of dire charges.
The hotshot CEO of a food concessions giant—with contracts at Providence Park, among many, many other venues—is no longer the hotshot CEO of a food concessions giant, after video showed Desmond Hague abusing a dog in an elevator.
You know how Veterans Affairs medical centers are overrun and understaffed, causing all sorts of problems? Well active-duty soldiers and their families have easy access to a cadre of military hospitals throughout the country. Terrible hospitals that one should maybe fear, according to the NYT.
Hey, Texas, give it a rest.
It’s one of the biggest concerns raised in Oregon’s conversation about legalizing pot: Will our roads become death traps? Well, roads are already sort of death traps. But will they become more effective death traps? That’s something no one can honestly answer, for a lot of complicated reasons.
Meet Waldo, Florida, a town Horatio Alger might love (assuming he’s cool with towns pulling themselves up by their bootstraps by bamboozling motorists with needlessly confusing, ever-shifting speed limits, and making police officers write a ticket an hour in pursuit of sweet cash).
Labor Day is a fraud. Summer’s not over.
ISIS: An Iraqi propaganda primer. (For in case you’re curious whether members of the Islamic State are like rats who subscribe to the laws of the jungle.)
I’m not gonna even bother reading the carb study, but just know that the Japanese live the longest on the planet — eating one hell of a lot of rice doing so.