Good Morning, News!

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Am I his fool? What must I do to keep him loving you? All this love I give, that ain’t cool. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

Following yesterday’s beheading of yet another journalist by Islamic State, President Obama has vowed to destroy the organization, adding, “Whatever these murderers think they will achieve with killing innocent Americans like Steven, they have already failed.”

Apparently ISIS doesn’t think so… after overrunning a Baghdad military base, Islamic State militants murdered 770 Iraqi troops.

Meanwhile Republicans are doing what they always do—acting like fucking jackasses. SHUT UP, JACKASS!

Even though Russia may have reached a possible ceasefire with Ukraine, the US and other Western allies are approving a plan to bolster NATO defenses by sending 4,000 troops to nervous neighboring European countries.

Theodore Wafer of Detroit has been sentenced to 17 years for killing an unarmed woman who showed up on his porch before dawn. The jury rejected his claim of “self defense.”

After being cut from St. Louis, openly gay NFL player Michael Sam gets a second chance—this time with the Dallas Cowboys.

New York City’s St. Patrick’s Day parade will finally allow gay groups to march—though will also continue to allow drunk a-holes to march as well.

In news that will warm your heart, Justin Bieber has been arrested for assault following an ATV accident in Canada.

Produce Row Cafe—which has been serving food and drink in SE Portland for a whopping 40 years—closed its doors yesterday.

Now here’s what’s going on in your neck of the woods: Partly cloudy and cooler today, but warming back up into the mid-to-upper 80s tomorrow through the weekend.

And finally, Russia? Your hilarious dash-cams have done it again! Here a minor traffic accident turns into a major fistfight—starring Mickey Mouse, Bugs Bunny, SpongeBob SquarePants… and maybe that squirrel from Ice Age? WHAT A COUNTRY!