GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! My friends be thinking I’m slipping. These girls be thinking I’m tripping. What kind of weed you be smoking? What type of drinks you be sipping? LET’S GO TO PRESS.
On Saturday, a protestor marching in a 100-person strong “Don’t Shoot” Portland protest outside of Powell’s was struck on his foot and ankle by a car which left the scene without stopping. The protestor was cited by the police; the car driver wasn’t.
Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota wins the Heisman Trophy. In a related story, I completed the previous sentence without a single snarky remark about how stupid football is—a Herculean effort that did not get me a trophy.
In Sydney Australia, an Iranian-born crazy takes several hostages in a cafe, flying an Islamic flag. The siege is over, but police haven’t released details on who, if anyone, was killed or injured.
Oh, and there’s this: While panic-stricken people were fleeing the Sydney cafe where a gunman held hostages, ride-sharing company Uber decided to QUADRUPLE their fares in the area. (Still in love with them?)
The girlfriend of a black Ohio man who was shot and killed by police for carrying a BB pistol was aggressively questioned and harassed by police officers in a follow-up interview that doesn’t paint the cops in the best light. (Yep, they were trying to cover their own ass.)
Apparently money can’t buy you everything; Spelman College—the recipient of $20 million in donations from Bill Cosby—has suspended all ties with the accused comedian/rapist.
Families of some of the slain Sandy Hook Elementary schoolchildren have filed a lawsuit against the makers of the killer’s AR-15 rifle, as well as the shop who sold it to him.
Over 2,000 German disgruntled employees of Amazon say “screw you” to their employers, walking off their jobs right in the middle of Christmas rush.
Corrupt monster and former vice president Dick Cheney refuses to label the brutal techniques used by the CIA on suspects as “torture.” (He probably thinks it’s “a trip to the cotton candy factory.”)
Speaking of smarmy dicks, Sen. Ted Cruz is in deep doo-doo with the GOP after forcing an unsuccessful vote on Obama’s immigration plan while his party was trying to stop a government shutdown.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren says, “I am not running for president. You want me to put an exclamation point at the end?” Sure, why not? We still won’t believe you.
BREAKING: “Scarlett Johansson Thinks Her Body Is Just “Okay,” Doesn’t Like Her Thighs.” We’ll have more on this game-changing revelation as the situation develops.
Now here’s what’s going on in your neck of the woods: Partly cloudy with a few showers later today, drier weather ahead!
And finally, Finnegan the Cat really doesn’t like his owner… and you know what? I don’t care very much for her either! PFFSST! PFSSST! CLAW!!
“Idiot runs into traffic, breaks foot, gets ticket.”
That cat is such an asshole.