GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! “Hello, may I speak to Barbara? Barbara, this is Shirley. You might not know who I am, but the reason I am calling you is because I was going through my old man’s pockets this morning. And I just happened to find your name and number.” LET’S GO TO PRESS.
Secretary of State Kate Brown will be taking her oath of office this morning at 10 am as she takes over the governorship from John Kitzhaber. Immediately following she will rub her hands together furiously and cackle, “BWAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!” (That’s the prediction, anyway.)
A Lane County man is caught on video punching himself in the face in a sad, pathetic attempt to blame his injuries on the cops and get out of jail. (Saaaad Troooommmbooooone.)
A U of O acrobatics team member dies suddenly, and health officials are investigating the possibility of a contagious bacterial infection.
Clackamas County police now have a sketch of the serial flasher that’s been annoying the area… and yep! That looks like a serial flasher.
Uber is starting a kitten delivery service. Nice try, Uber! But your bosses are still dicks.
A Chicago cop’s methods of extracting murder confessions from suspects were so effective, he was brought down to Guantanamo Bay to teach detainees there a thing or two about torture.
The Islamic State loves Twitter—and not just for posting what they had for lunch. Now Congress and others are putting pressure on the company to police what people are posting.
Wisconsin Republican Governor Scott Walker is calling his critics “elitist” for questioning his decision to drop out of college. “We’ve had an Ivy-trained lawyer in the White House for six years who’s pretty good at reading off the teleprompter,” he said, “but has done a pretty lousy job leading this country.” He later added, “Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck!” and began playing a jaw harp and blowing on an empty jug.
A Texas judge uses an obscure law from 1946 to halt Obama’s immigration reform, aaaaand then goes back to playing a jaw harp and blowing on an empty jug.
St. Louis cops accused of brutalizing a driver are also accused of turning off their dashcam during the incident.
A woman gets up on stage with one-hit wonder Afroman, and receives a brutal hit in the face.
Now here’s what’s going on in your neck of the woods: Clouds roll in for the next few days, but the sun returns just in time for Saturday.
And finally, try to emulate this person today: He solved a very long Wheel of Fortune puzzle with only one letter showing.
If we had Uber here, I can guarantee you I’d call car of kittens to pick me up at OHSU’s animal testing center.