GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I’ve been kissed, baby, yeah. Never knew love like this. And I’ve been missed, girl. Never knew love like this. LET’S GO TO PRESS.
Administrators have sent a letter to the U of O professor who is in possession of 22,000 pages of confidential president, faculty, and student records, saying that he better return everything he’s taken or… or… you know… SOMETHING.
A 12-year-old boy is slashed with a knife in the parking lot of the Gateway Fred Meyer.
Along with Jeb Bush, Mittens Romney, and Marco Rubio, it looks like Chris Christie will be the next guy to throw his hat into the ring hoping for the Republican presidential nomination. YAWN.
Meanwhile, the billionaire Koch Brothers held a millionaire’s summit over the weekend, inviting three Republican hopefuls who were there to beg for enough money to buy their way into the White House.
OMIGOD A HUGE ASTEROID IS HEADING TOWARD… oh, never mind. It’s gonna miss us.
OMIGOD A HUGE SNOWSTORM IS HEADING TOWARD THE U.S. NORTHEAST… and… oh, shit, it’s not going to miss them!
Alabama’s same-sex marriage ban is overturned—but naturally there is a delay because hillbillies need a little more time to panic before accepting the inevitable.
A murder/suicide kills two in a NYC Home Depot store.
The Church of England has consecrated its first woman bishop—and with the exception of one idiot dickhead in the crowd, she was enthusiastically received.
A small drone—one of those quadcopters your nephew got for Christmas—crashed into the side of the White House. So, you know… PANIC!!! FIRE THE ENTIRE SECRET SERVICE!!!
The murdering cowards of Islamic State say they have beheaded one of two Japanese hostages. (They’ve beheaded five Western hostages since August.)
Hong Kong police are on the lookout for a 12-year-old girl who may have been involved in a $4.6 million jewel heist! (Movie rights dibs!)
Now here’s what’s going on in your neck of the woods: Foggy mornings turn into sunny days today and tomorrow with highs in the mid 50s.
And finally, in this brilliant video mashup, Rowlf from The Muppet Show sings Biz Markie’s “Just a Friend”—and it is perfect.
