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Hmmm... how can I make this day more corrupt... AHA! Ill investigate myself!
“Hmmm… how can I make this day more corrupt… AHA! I’ll ‘investigate’ myself!” Chip Somodevilla / Staff / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! The sparkle in your eyes keeps me alive. And the sparkle in your eyes, keeps me alive, keeps me alive. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

How is the Trump administration trying to change the narrative about their deep corruption? BY COMMITTING MORE CORRUPTION. Now Trump’s Justice Department, under the corrupt eye of Bill Barr is reportedly going to investigate their own division for supposedly criminal behavior during the Russia investigation. WOW. We’re gonna have to build bigger prisons just to hold all these guys!

In impeachment news, Democrats reportedly think they have enough evidence from senior government witnesses so they don’t have to expose the Ukraine whistleblower and put them on the stand. Because they are a corrupt, vengeful lot, Republicans want the witness to be revealed. Meanwhile, Trump’s former national security adviser John Bolton, who surprisingly raised alarm bells about the president’s corrupt behavior, is reportedly in talks with lawyers to deliver a deposition to the impeachment inquiry. Also, Democrats are planning to start holding public hearings into Trump’s crimes starting in mid-November. (Republicans will find a way to dislike that as well.)

Sen. Lindsay Graham is acting like a duplicitous asshole again. Ignore.

Speaking of duplicitous assholes that should be ignored:

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was exposed for her part in Trump’s corruption club when a federal judge held her in contempt for violating an order “to stop collecting on loans owed by students from a now-defunct for-profit chain of colleges.” The Education Department has been ordered to pay a $100,000 fine.

Staff Trump enabler Kellyanne Conway berated a reporter for daring to bring up her husband’s feud with the president. The newspaper published the audio, HEE-HEE-HEE!

After Trump pulled troops from Syria (to the howls of disapproval from just about everybody except Putin), he’s now deciding to leave some there… but just to guard the oil fields, of course.

Former presidents Obama and Clinton, along with Hillary, are eulogizing Rep. Elijah Cummings today to mark a week of paying respects to the late Black lawmaker.

The White House is ordering federal agencies to cancel their subscriptions to the New York Times and the Washington Post. But if these two organizations are “failing” so badly, why bother?

After doing his part to destroy national and local journalism, evil android Mark Zuckerberg and his garbage site Facebook have announced they are unveiling Facebook News which will reportedly introduce news back into your feed. This is no reason to keep your account.

Today in “this is some bullshit”: “Muslim Student Athlete Disqualified From Race for Wearing Hijab.”

Today in “this is some bullshit” entertainment news: “Kanye West asked his collaborators not to have premarital sex.”

IN LOCAL NEWS: Proud Boy/Patriot Prayer member Tusitala “Tiny” Toese has been sentenced to 10 days in jail for violating his probation in connection to his 2017 arrest. Our Alex Zielinski has the details.

Get ready to cry in your beer: The much beloved and longstanding Lompoc Brewing is closing after more than 20 years in business. Our Ned Lannamann has more.

Hey! Who wants to watch some great DIY porn seated next to strangers? YOU DO. Tickets for HUMP! 2019 are right here. Trust me, you won’t regret it.

Now let’s gaze skyward to the WEATHER: Possible showers today with a high of 60, though expect many sunny days ahead.

And finally, here’s a PUBLIC SERVICE REMINDER:

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

One reply on “Good Morning, News: Local Proud Boy Sent to Jail, Justice Department Investigates Itself, and Kanye West Cancels Premarital Sex”

  1. Personal Attorney to the President /a.g. William Barr is gonna make a Fine Supreme Court associate “justice.”

    And won’t Emperor trumpfy look Good in his (Burgher King) Crown and purple tent-robes with those weird thingys on the shoulders…

    If ya don’t love yourselfs a little Fascism

    what’re ya doing in trumpfy’s America?!

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