Good Morning, News: Planned Parenthood Attack, Timbers Go for the MLS Cup, and Black Friday Fisticuffs

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! The music played while our bodies displayed through the dance. Then love picked us out for romance. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

A good sports weekend, as the Blazers take down the now-woeful Lakers 108-96. Meanwhile our glorious Timbers win against FC Dallas in a 5-3 game series and are heading toward an MLS Cup! Wooo-hoooo! Read the Blogtown recaps of both!

Rescue crews are trying to save two climbers stuck on Mount Jefferson, Oregon’s second highest peak.

The new MAX Orange line claims its first victim—a man who was struck and killed by the train while climbing over the tracks in a restricted zone.

In case you missed it, there was a terrorist attack at a Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood on Friday that killed three and wounded nine (including a police officer and an Iraq war veteran). The suspect is in custody, and—wait for it—is a white dude who perhaps believed the debunked report that Planned Parenthood was selling fetal tissue.

Surprise again! Presidential candidate Ted Cruz said something wildly stupid about the tragedy.

150 heads of state attend the Paris Climate Talks, which President Obama calls an act of defiance against the asshole terrorists who recently attacked the city.

Needless to say, this climate summit is a BIG DEAL. Here’s a quick primer on what you need to know.

Kurdish fighters claim that US Special Forces have been waging a secret war against ISIS for months—contrary to what the President has said.

The trials of officers involved in the Freddie Gray shooting in Baltimore are underway, though legal experts are already worried about a pro-cop bias.

If push came to shove, presidential contender Jeb “JEB!” Bush would choose Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton, because in his weak mind, no one is worse than her.

In gossip, former Full House star Mary-Kate Olsen was married over the weekend, and reportedly served her guests “bowls of cigarettes.” Whatever happened to pigs in a blanket?

Now here’s what’s going on in WEATHER town: Possible showers today with a high of 38, and a mix of sun and rain throughout the week.

And finally, here’s a trailer that reimagines what it would look like if The Hunger Games came out in 1992—”now on videocassette!”