Credit: Patrick Bunch

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Patrick Bunch

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! There is only one for me, you have made that possibility. We can take that step to see if this is really gonna be. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

OKAY: So remember the other day when the Portland Police casually dropped the news that they didn’t think it was important for us to know about those Patriot Prayer thugs gathering on a downtown rooftop garage with weapons overlooking an August rally? Now they’re saying that it was “only” three rifles in cases, and the officer who discovered them asked the thugs to put the guns away, and never filed a report about it. Think they would’ve been so nice if antifa protesters were on that rooftop? Or if it had been a political candidate rally? That is some alarming bullshit right there.

Speaking of protests, will Mayor Ted Wheeler’s new proposed rules about how, where, and when people demonstrate hold up in court? Our Alex Zielinski talked to the experts.

Nike’s Phil Knight, after pumping $1.5 million into GOP gubernatorial candidate Knute Buehler’s campaign, has now given another million to the Republican Governors Association—because maybe he wants to squander all the good will Nike got from hiring Colin Kaepernik?

According to a new study, Oregon paramedics give worse care to Black and Asian people than their white patients.

More evidence emerges tying Saudi royalty to the probable murder and dismemberment of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Meanwhile Donald Trump continues to defend and make excuses for the Saudis, now tying the accusations to his defense of unworthy Supreme Court judge Brett Kavanaugh.

Twitter has published some 10 million tweets from Russia and Iran that shed light on how they meddled in the 2016 election.

A plane carrying Melania Trump and reporters was forced to return to its base after the cabin began to fill with smoke. It landed safely.

It’s been revealed that during this past summer over 9,000 deportation cases were dropped after the Supreme Court ruled against them for faulty paperwork.

Canada has bested America again by becoming the first major world economy to legalize recreational cannabis. (Say bye-bye to our tourist dollars!)

Beto O’Rourke got fiery in his final debate with Ted Cruz, picking away at his record and borrowing Trump’s nickname for the senator, “Lyin’ Ted.”

A new lawsuit accuses Facebook of lying to advertisers and falsely inflating the average viewing time of their videos—causing bad things to happen.

Roseanne has returned without weirdo racist Roseanne Barr, and has been renamed The Connors, with an episode about the matriarch dying from an opioid overdose.

Meanwhile weirdo racist Roseanne Barr is not happy about the show’s handling of her character, but really: who cares what this weirdo racist thinks?

POOR, POOR SEXUAL PREDATOR:

Now let’s look skyward to the WEATHER: Another clear, gorgeous day with a high of 77!

And finally, this mashup of Kendrick Lamar and A-ha’s “Take on Me” is a work of goddamn sorcery. BURN THE WITCH!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

2 replies on “Good Morning, News: Portland Police Changes Story About Patriot Prayer Guns, Trump Defends Saudis (and Kavanaugh), and Facebook Caught Lying”

  1. Guys…I know journalism is hard, but: Phil Knight hasn’t been CEO of Nike for quite some time now. That’s another fella, named Mark Parker. P-A-R-K-E-R.

    So anything Nike might have achieved re: Colin Kaepernick has nothing to do with Phil Knight. Please make a fucking note of it.

  2. The gun story was a fabrication. The police asked some men who were on their way down to the park to leave their guns in their vehicle instead of legally carrying their weapons and the men complied with the police request. End of story.

    Nobody broke any law, nobody was arrested and no weapons were seized by police.

    The real story here is when politicians make up stories designed to generate fear as part of a policy-making agenda….

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