Another thing to despise about babies: THEY’RE TOO STUPID TO KNOW HOW TO WALK DOWN STAIRS!! Seriously, I’m supposed to take time out of MY busy day to hold their stupid chubby hand and escort them down some steps? EFF YOU, BABIES. Unless you can think of some super awesome way to get yourself down the stairs without my assistance, you can just go… wait. You did think of a way? Oh.


Okay, this baby’s alright.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)