The End of (Intern) Days

Well, Blogtownies, after an unspeakably long internship I’m finally taking off. Working here has been a whirlwind of laughs, outdated bathroom magazines (a situation soon to be corrected) and threatening to lead an intern rebellion. I’ll miss it.

Yours truly,

Jane “The Intern” Carlen

p.s. Here is a detailed description of the entire Merc editorial board. Enjoy!

Wm. Steven Humphrey — Steve is like a Japanimation character who learned English from an ex-con, then read the entire dictionary, encyclopedia and canon of English literature, only to decide that the height of composition is found on television, and only on television. The lone written work he finds appealing is his own “slap poetry,” which he performs at open mics under the pseudonym “Randy McTit,” including “Ode to Don Draper,” “Ode to an episode of Wife Swap,” and “Ode to the Wheelbarrow You Came in on (Now Get Out).”

Marjorie Skinner — Ever since the operation, Marjorie has been a bit full of herself.

Erik Henriksen— Remember that nerdy kid in your high school chemistry class. Remember his even nerdier younger brother and that summer when Robocop came out and he wouldn’t stop talking about in his stuttering lisp, and how the rubberbands on his braces were all orangey because he loved Sunkist soda so much? Well Erik is totally friends with that guy. Nerd.

Ezra Ace Caraeff— Ezra is awesome because he explained to me all about Juggalos and how they’re misunderstood, and how they have this really unique message about diversity and accepting all kinds of people and styles. I didn’t know that Juggalos were so involved in all this different stuff, but Ezra, he really explained it to me.

Ann Romano — I’ll never forgive you, Ann Romano. Never. So stop texting me. I have to pay for those.

Alison Hallett — Is simply delightful. Except when I make her coffee wrong. Then I get the shoe, but it’s usually a sneaker or flat. Boot days are the worst days. I also wish that she didn’t make me write synopses of Glee episodes that never get published anywhere.

Matt Davis- Ever since Londoner Matt assigned social classes to the office, with me as “orphan” and himself as the lone aristocrat, relations have been tense. The other orphans and I were aiming to join forces with the low-grade industrial workers (Sarah, Courtney,Ned) to take on Matt and the bourgeoisie, but the revolution never materialized. Curses.

Patrick — When 350 lb Patrick is not adjusting his XXXL bowtie or having interns cut his donuts into easily chewable pieces for a man with jowls his size, he is consumed with concealing his identity. He forces the interns to construct elaborate costumes like “dragon” so that he can eat in peace on Chinese New Year. This effort seems misguided at best.

These people are not editors, but I find them endlessly intriguing:

Courtney Ferguson — Though Courtney keeps nocturnal hours, she is by far the most normal person on staff. As the best copywriter in Portland, she can’t start working until everyone else has finished writing. Also, I think she’s a vampire.

Sarah Mirk — Sarah is the nicest person in the office, and the official welcome wagon. She made me feel right at home. She also takes in stray cats and dogs she finds in the neighborhood. This gives her a bit of a pee-pee smell, and claw holes in most of her clothing. She once nursed a pigeon back to health.

Ned Lannamannn—Ok, I’ve never actually met Ned and I’m beginning to think he’s a figment of Ezra’s imagination, an alter-ego created to “diversify” the music section while still squeezing in enough Olive the Pug coverage to meet Ezra’s needs. Most of the time, Ezra’s pug Olive sits in “Ned’s” desk and chews on an old pillow. Occasionally, Ezra will shift over to Ned’s chair to hold IM conversations with local venues, artists, and the rest of the office. These conversations usually center on requests for “pug nights” or giving Olive posting privileges on End Hits. If you are real Ned, I’d love to meet you.

p.p.s. viva la revolution.

p.p.p.s. Anyone looking for an intern? jk