MONDAY, JANUARY 8

NO THANKS
LYA_CATTEL /
GETTY IMAGES

Welcome to One Day at a Time, dears—and a world where people are, for some reason, still talking about President Oprah Winfrey? As we wrote last week, Oprah’s rousing speech at the Golden Globes made lots of people think she should run in 2020... and Oprah might be one of them? Two of Oprah’s “close friends” told CNN that the TV magnate is “actively thinking” about running for president, adding that some of “Winfrey’s confidants have been privately urging her to run.” Meanwhile, Winfrey’s partner, Stedman Graham, told the Los Angeles Times that an Oprah presidency was “up to the people. She would absolutely do it.” Huh! So somehow a “Haha, Oprah should be president!” joke turned into... uh, reality, we guess? MEANWHILE... “I am not immune to Oprah’s charms, but President Winfrey is a terrible idea,” wrote the New York Times’ Thomas Chatterton Williams, apparently the only adult in the room. “It also underscores the extent to which Trumpism—the kowtowing to celebrity and ratings, the repudiation of experience and expertise—has infected our civic life. The ideal post-Trump politician will, at the very least, be a deeply serious figure with a strong record of public service behind her. It would be a devastating, self-inflicted wound for the Democrats to settle for even benevolent mimicry of Mr. Trump’s hallucinatory circus act.” Before we slow clap, dears, we’ll admit that just last week—when all this seemed, y’know, funny—we wondered if it was “too early to dream of a ticket that includes Oprah.” And in the past, we’ve urged a wide array of unqualified celebs to run for president, from BeyoncĂ© to The Rock! (Come to think of it, we’re pretty sure that after four or five too many martinis, we might’ve suggested a Romano administration? Sounds like something we’d do.) But here’s the thing about those jokes: We were joking. You weren’t supposed to take us seriously, Oprah! If the terrifying travesty of Trump has taught us anything, it’s that we should probably elect someone who has the slightest idea what they’re doing. (And for that reason, we 100 percent stand by our Michelle Obama 2020 suggestion! We’d even take a Sasha or a Malia? Come to think of it, pretty much anyone with the last name “Obama” is good with us.)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 9

Regardless of whether Oprah achieves world domination, we’re stuck with Trump for the time being (despite the fact he lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes). But hey, at least while he’s destroying everything else, he’s also destroying the right. “Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon is stepping down as chairman of Breitbart News Network after a public break with President Donald Trump,” reports the Associated Press! Politico dubbed the development “a swift and stunning fall for a leading figure on the American right” following Bannon and Trump’s lovers’ quarrel, in which “Trump publicly broke with Bannon... suggesting his former top adviser had ‘lost his mind’ in response to critical comments Bannon made about members of the Trump family and campaign in Michael Wolff’s incendiary new book, Fire and Fury.” Alas, the most tragic part of all is we can’t even take joy in Bannon’s downfall, since he got fired because—for once in his life—he actually told the truth about Trump. That’s what got him fired! A win is a win, we suppose, but ugh. GROSS. IN COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS... Portland’s award-winning, universally beloved newspaper the Portland Mercury has, in the past two hours, received no fewer than three unsolicited resumes from Steve Bannon? Thanks for your interest, Steve! Unfortunately, due to our editors’ weekend adventures, our office already has a reeking pile of vomit.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 10

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the French ruin everything—and that now includes the progress we’ve made in recent months by publicly outing the powerful, shitty men who sexually harass and assault women. Heavy sigh. The New York Times wrote that “Catherine Deneuve joined more than 100 other French women in entertainment, publishing and academic fields Tuesday in the pages of the newspaper Le Monde and on its website in arguing that [the #MeToo movement and its French counterpart, #Balancetonporc, or “Expose Your Pig”]... have gone too far by publicly prosecuting private experiences and have created a totalitarian climate.” Because we’re too busy rolling our eyes, let’s turn things over to the Guardian’s Van Badham! “‘We are clear-eyed enough,’ the group pronounces, ‘not to confuse an awkward attempt to pick someone up with a sexual attack,’” Badham wrote, adding, “OMG, ladies: me, too! Me, and all the other women who have exposed the damaged tissues of the shame inflicted on us by our predators are quite ‘clear-eyed’ on the distinction. That’s why we are so angry—not because we are ‘puritanical,’ as the letter claims, but because we are seeking joy from sexual contact on our own terms, not abuse or exploitation on someone else’s.” Dear Frenchies: Please take note.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 11

JUST SAYIN’!
Michael Loccisano /
GETTY IMAGES

“Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?” asked clearly racist President Trump today while discussing immigrants from Haiti, El Salvador, and African nations, according to two senators (one Dem, one Republican) in the room. Those two words—“shithole countries”—have since kicked off a series of near-unbelievable events... SUCH AS... Newspapers across the nation publishing “shithole” on their front pages; CNN anchor Don Lemon opening his nightly show by saying, “I’m Don Lemon. The president of the United States is racist.”; Anderson Cooper following suit, saying the president’s words were “Not racial. Not racially charged. Racist.”; a very dumb Breitbart reporter comparing Trump to Shakespeare; Republicans in Trump’s meeting waiting days before claiming he never said it; and Trump telling reporters the most blatant lie he’s ever lied: “I’m not a racist. I’m the least racist person you have ever interviewed.” However, this shameful incident did produce two welcome results: (1) No one can now reasonably deny that Trump is the most racist president of modern times, and (2) this weekend multimedia artist Robin Bell projected the word “Shithole” and a bunch of smiling poop Emojis on the exterior of the Trump International Hotel in Washington DC. Finally! A claim that is irrefutably true!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 12

In a week of scandalous headlines, this one doesn’t even crack the top 10: “Porn Star Was Reportedly Paid to Stay Quiet About Trump.” The New York Times story, originally reported by the Wall Street Journal, contends that adult film actress Stormy Daniels (also a great name for a TV weatherperson) had a sexual affair with Trump (EW!) soon after he married Melania (EW! EW!), while Melania was pregnant with son Barron (EW! EW! EWWW!). The star of cinematic masterpieces Young & Anal and Sexbots: Programmed for Pleasure was reportedly paid $130,000 to shut up about her alleged affair with a man who’s been accused of sexual harassment and assault by 20 women. For the record, Daniels fiercely denies that her vagina ever came into contact with Trump’s shriveled orange Cheeto—because... EWW! EWW! (Sobs!) EWWWWW!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 13

Sometimes we’d just love to forget all the horror of the world and disappear to someplace warm and inviting, like Hawaii... buuuuuut... maybe not today. “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII” screamed the cellphone alert received by scores of Hawaiians at roughly 8 am—which isn’t exactly a pleasant start to the day. Fortunately, the alert was a mistake made by someone from the state’s Emergency Management Agency who “pushed the wrong button.” Nevertheless, Hawaii was in a hysterical panic for nearly 40 minutes; an understandable reaction considering Trump’s warmongering tweets toward North Korea. Oh! And speaking of Trump, he was quickly informed of the error and could’ve easily put the fears of Hawaiians to rest with one tweet—but he was too busy playing golf at the time, OF COURSE. That said, nobody believes Donald Trump’s tweets anyway, sooooo... sorry, Hawaii! That’s a no-win situation.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 14

It was another loooong week of celebs being accused of sexual harassment and assault—so let the dirty laundry list commence: James Franco (accused by five women of inappropriate or sexually exploitative behavior), stunt coordinator Joel Kramer (accused of molesting Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Eliza Dushku at age 12), Marvel Comics’ Stan Lee (accused of several acts of sexual abuse), photogs Bruce Weber and Mario Testino (accused of sexually exploiting numerous male assistants and models), comedian/Master of None star Aziz Ansari (accused by one woman of sexual misconduct), and Steven Seagal (who’s being investigated by the LAPD after multiple women’s accusations of sexual assault). UNNGHHHHHH! Pardon us while we gargle a bottle of Purell... annnd spit. Okay, that was pretty tough to read, right? Well, please remember it’s nothing compared to what these women went through, so the least we can do is listen, acknowledge their bravery, and keep this discussion going—especially if Catherine Deneuve’s pack of regressive Frenchies don’t like it. (Anybody want to send us an “Expose Your Pig” T-shirt? Size small, please!)