MONDAY, JANUARY 8

LYA_CATTEL /
GETTY IMAGES
Welcome to One Day at a Time, dearsâand a world where people are, for some reason, still talking about President Oprah Winfrey? As we wrote last week, Oprahâs rousing speech at the Golden Globes made lots of people think she should run in 2020... and Oprah might be one of them? Two of Oprahâs âclose friendsâ told CNN that the TV magnate is âactively thinkingâ about running for president, adding that some of âWinfreyâs confidants have been privately urging her to run.â Meanwhile, Winfreyâs partner, Stedman Graham, told the Los Angeles Times that an Oprah presidency was âup to the people. She would absolutely do it.â Huh! So somehow a âHaha, Oprah should be president!â joke turned into... uh, reality, we guess? MEANWHILE... âI am not immune to Oprahâs charms, but President Winfrey is a terrible idea,â wrote the New York Timesâ Thomas Chatterton Williams, apparently the only adult in the room. âIt also underscores the extent to which Trumpismâthe kowtowing to celebrity and ratings, the repudiation of experience and expertiseâhas infected our civic life. The ideal post-Trump politician will, at the very least, be a deeply serious figure with a strong record of public service behind her. It would be a devastating, self-inflicted wound for the Democrats to settle for even benevolent mimicry of Mr. Trumpâs hallucinatory circus act.â Before we slow clap, dears, weâll admit that just last weekâwhen all this seemed, yâknow, funnyâwe wondered if it was âtoo early to dream of a ticket that includes Oprah.â And in the past, weâve urged a wide array of unqualified celebs to run for president, from BeyoncĂŠ to The Rock! (Come to think of it, weâre pretty sure that after four or five too many martinis, we mightâve suggested a Romano administration? Sounds like something weâd do.) But hereâs the thing about those jokes: We were joking. You werenât supposed to take us seriously, Oprah! If the terrifying travesty of Trump has taught us anything, itâs that we should probably elect someone who has the slightest idea what theyâre doing. (And for that reason, we 100 percent stand by our Michelle Obama 2020 suggestion! Weâd even take a Sasha or a Malia? Come to think of it, pretty much anyone with the last name âObamaâ is good with us.)
TUESDAY, JANUARY 9
Regardless of whether Oprah achieves world domination, weâre stuck with Trump for the time being (despite the fact he lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes). But hey, at least while heâs destroying everything else, heâs also destroying the right. âFormer White House chief strategist Steve Bannon is stepping down as chairman of Breitbart News Network after a public break with President Donald Trump,â reports the Associated Press! Politico dubbed the development âa swift and stunning fall for a leading figure on the American rightâ following Bannon and Trumpâs loversâ quarrel, in which âTrump publicly broke with Bannon... suggesting his former top adviser had âlost his mindâ in response to critical comments Bannon made about members of the Trump family and campaign in Michael Wolffâs incendiary new book, Fire and Fury.â Alas, the most tragic part of all is we canât even take joy in Bannonâs downfall, since he got fired becauseâfor once in his lifeâhe actually told the truth about Trump. Thatâs what got him fired! A win is a win, we suppose, but ugh. GROSS. IN COMPLETELY UNRELATED NEWS... Portlandâs award-winning, universally beloved newspaper the Portland Mercury has, in the past two hours, received no fewer than three unsolicited resumes from Steve Bannon? Thanks for your interest, Steve! Unfortunately, due to our editorsâ weekend adventures, our office already has a reeking pile of vomit.
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 10
It is a truth universally acknowledged that the French ruin everythingâand that now includes the progress weâve made in recent months by publicly outing the powerful, shitty men who sexually harass and assault women. Heavy sigh. The New York Times wrote that âCatherine Deneuve joined more than 100 other French women in entertainment, publishing and academic fields Tuesday in the pages of the newspaper Le Monde and on its website in arguing that [the #MeToo movement and its French counterpart, #Balancetonporc, or âExpose Your Pigâ]... have gone too far by publicly prosecuting private experiences and have created a totalitarian climate.â Because weâre too busy rolling our eyes, letâs turn things over to the Guardianâs Van Badham! ââWe are clear-eyed enough,â the group pronounces, ânot to confuse an awkward attempt to pick someone up with a sexual attack,ââ Badham wrote, adding, âOMG, ladies: me, too! Me, and all the other women who have exposed the damaged tissues of the shame inflicted on us by our predators are quite âclear-eyedâ on the distinction. Thatâs why we are so angryânot because we are âpuritanical,â as the letter claims, but because we are seeking joy from sexual contact on our own terms, not abuse or exploitation on someone elseâs.â Dear Frenchies: Please take note.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 11

Michael Loccisano /
GETTY IMAGES
âWhy are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?â asked clearly racist President Trump today while discussing immigrants from Haiti, El Salvador, and African nations, according to two senators (one Dem, one Republican) in the room. Those two wordsââshithole countriesââhave since kicked off a series of near-unbelievable events... SUCH AS... Newspapers across the nation publishing âshitholeâ on their front pages; CNN anchor Don Lemon opening his nightly show by saying, âIâm Don Lemon. The president of the United States is racist.â; Anderson Cooper following suit, saying the presidentâs words were âNot racial. Not racially charged. Racist.â; a very dumb Breitbart reporter comparing Trump to Shakespeare; Republicans in Trumpâs meeting waiting days before claiming he never said it; and Trump telling reporters the most blatant lie heâs ever lied: âIâm not a racist. Iâm the least racist person you have ever interviewed.â However, this shameful incident did produce two welcome results: (1) No one can now reasonably deny that Trump is the most racist president of modern times, and (2) this weekend multimedia artist Robin Bell projected the word âShitholeâ and a bunch of smiling poop Emojis on the exterior of the Trump International Hotel in Washington DC. Finally! A claim that is irrefutably true!
FRIDAY, JANUARY 12
In a week of scandalous headlines, this one doesnât even crack the top 10: âPorn Star Was Reportedly Paid to Stay Quiet About Trump.â The New York Times story, originally reported by the Wall Street Journal, contends that adult film actress Stormy Daniels (also a great name for a TV weatherperson) had a sexual affair with Trump (EW!) soon after he married Melania (EW! EW!), while Melania was pregnant with son Barron (EW! EW! EWWW!). The star of cinematic masterpieces Young & Anal and Sexbots: Programmed for Pleasure was reportedly paid $130,000 to shut up about her alleged affair with a man whoâs been accused of sexual harassment and assault by 20 women. For the record, Daniels fiercely denies that her vagina ever came into contact with Trumpâs shriveled orange Cheetoâbecause... EWW! EWW! (Sobs!) EWWWWW!
SATURDAY, JANUARY 13
Sometimes weâd just love to forget all the horror of the world and disappear to someplace warm and inviting, like Hawaii... buuuuuut... maybe not today. âBALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAIIâ screamed the cellphone alert received by scores of Hawaiians at roughly 8 amâwhich isnât exactly a pleasant start to the day. Fortunately, the alert was a mistake made by someone from the stateâs Emergency Management Agency who âpushed the wrong button.â Nevertheless, Hawaii was in a hysterical panic for nearly 40 minutes; an understandable reaction considering Trumpâs warmongering tweets toward North Korea. Oh! And speaking of Trump, he was quickly informed of the error and couldâve easily put the fears of Hawaiians to rest with one tweetâbut he was too busy playing golf at the time, OF COURSE. That said, nobody believes Donald Trumpâs tweets anyway, sooooo... sorry, Hawaii! Thatâs a no-win situation.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 14
It was another loooong week of celebs being accused of sexual harassment and assaultâso let the dirty laundry list commence: James Franco (accused by five women of inappropriate or sexually exploitative behavior), stunt coordinator Joel Kramer (accused of molesting Buffy the Vampire Slayerâs Eliza Dushku at age 12), Marvel Comicsâ Stan Lee (accused of several acts of sexual abuse), photogs Bruce Weber and Mario Testino (accused of sexually exploiting numerous male assistants and models), comedian/Master of None star Aziz Ansari (accused by one woman of sexual misconduct), and Steven Seagal (whoâs being investigated by the LAPD after multiple womenâs accusations of sexual assault). UNNGHHHHHH! Pardon us while we gargle a bottle of Purell... annnd spit. Okay, that was pretty tough to read, right? Well, please remember itâs nothing compared to what these women went through, so the least we can do is listen, acknowledge their bravery, and keep this discussion goingâespecially if Catherine Deneuveâs pack of regressive Frenchies donât like it. (Anybody want to send us an âExpose Your Pigâ T-shirt? Size small, please!)