One Day At a Time

MONDAY, JANUARY 26 Is it just us, or has the entire world got
a bad case of the grumpies? And it’s not just the Lars
Larsons of Portland screaming for the head of Sam Adams,
either—this aggravated sense of impotent rage has stretched its
tentacles to our beloved Hollyweird, and has entered the ear canal and
brain of actor Ashton Kutcher. The Punk’d star waged a
ridiculous YouTube/Twitter war on his neighbor, Hollyweird scribe
Bruce Goldsmith, who has apparently been doing massive
renovations on his house early in the morning. “It’s 7:30 am and I
get to wake up in my bedroom to my fucking jackass neighbor…
doing this next to my porch,” Kutcher said as part of a videotape he
planned to use for legal purposes. (Are you sure you want to use the
words “fucking jackass” in front of a judge, Ashy?) Anyway, he
continues: “That’s my bedroom. This is where my dickweed
neighbor has decided to be building a house at 7 am, pounding on
steel and welding right next to my frickin’ house!” But did Kutcher
stop there? OHHHHHH, NOOOOO! He then took his passive-aggressive tirade
to Twitter, making the following twitterrific pronouncements
(spelling and grammatical errors hilariously included): “this SOB
owl feces cougar placenta jack bone dick!”; “Jack ass 7 am building
a god damn fort next to my house f’in up my view and noise polluting
the entire f’in neighborhood with pounding steal.”; “this ass clown has
another thing coming!”; and “I’m gonna kill my neighbor!” (Another thing one might not want to admit in front of a judge.) After
the news spread like wildfire, Kutcher returned to Twitter, to call the
entire incident a big “joke.” Hear that America? You just been
PUNK’D, yo! Wait… why aren’t you laughing?

TUESDAY, JANUARY 27 “Aggro celeb week” continues with this
item regarding deadbeat dad Michael Lohan, who, after swearing
up and down to stay out of his daughter Lindsay’s affairs,
keeps… getting… pulled… back… IN! On his stupid blog he writes
(and we’ll be adding our “eye rolls” in brackets), “After seeing
promise and thanking God [eye roll!] for Lindsay’s freedom from
SaMANtha’s bondage [What? Eye roll!], I see now SaMANtha
[We get the point, Michael! Eye roll!] has weaseled her way back into
Lindsay’s life. …Help her to see that since SaMANtha [Not very
subtle, are you? Eye roll!] came into her life, nothing good has come
of it [We beg to differ, Michael. What about that awesome alleyway
fistfight they had in front of a bum eating a sandwich? Oh… almost
forgot. EYE ROLL!]. MEANWHILE… 21-year-old starlet Evan
Rachel Wood has been caught smooching 56-year-old The
Wrestler co-star Mickey Rourke. (Mayor Adams, meet the
competition!) And while Woods is now allegedly furious about the
insinuation that she and Rourke are a couple (and that Mickey never
really denied it), does she even remember that she once dated famously
fugly Marilyn Manson? Girlfriend, don’t get mad—as far as
we’re concerned, Mickey is a big step up!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 28 Actress Nancy Cartwright is the
voice of The Simpsons‘ Bart Simpson, yes? And Nancy
Cartwright is also a proud Scientologist, right? So how do you think it
makes the producers of The Simpsons feel when Cartwright uses
her Bart voice to promote Scientology? Mmmmm… not so hot.
Here’s the phone message some Scientologists received to advertise an
upcoming church event in Hollyweird: “Yo, what’s happenin’ man? This is
Bart Simpson. Haha. Just kidding, don’t hang up. This is Nancy
Cartwright.” Ga-ROAN. Cartwright also used the message to inform
worshippers that she had reached a new “auditing level OT VII” (Whooo! Way to go, Nancy! Does that mean you get to jump in the volcano
first?). Naturally, the show’s producers were not pleased, and issued a
statement saying The Simpsons has “never endorsed any religion,
philosophy, or system of beliefs any more profound than Butterfinger
bars.” (We like that.) But who cares about those guys? You want to hear
what the always verbose Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII thinks! Take
it, Klaktu! “Don’t have a cow, earthling,” the emperor softly replied.
Really? That’s it? “Sorry, my distraction emanates from being
unable to wrap my tentacles around this Sam Adams scandal. How about…
‘Cowabunga, humanoid?'”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 29 Today Governor Rod Blagojevich spoke before the Illinois Senate in a last-ditch attempt to avoid
impeachment for allegedly trying to sell Barack Obama’s Senate
seat. Apparently it didn’t work, because the final vote was 59-0 in
favor of impeachment, and even worse? They had boxed up all of the
governor’s things before he took the podium to speak. IN A
RELATED STORY… Our very foolish Hubby Kip forgot our
nine-year anniversary today. Maybe Blago could use a roommate?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 30 Death… the final frontier. No, wait, that’s not right. Isn’t
there some saying nerds use when they die? Die slowly and
prosper, maybe? Eh, whatever. Hubby Kip usually provides
this information, but we’re still angry about him forgetting our
anniversary, and he’s currently sleeping on the couch in the
garage—so let’s just cut to the Dead Dweeb News™:
“The creator of Star Trek and his wife will spend eternity
together in space,” reports the Associated Press. “The couple’s
cremated remains will be sealed into specially made capsules to
withstand the rigors of space travel. A rocket-sized spacecraft
will carry the capsules, along with digitized tributes from
fans. [Shudder. Eye roll.] The Roddenberrys’ remains—and the spacecraft—will travel ever deeper into
space and will not return to Earth.” Now, we were going to write
something here about how that’s kind of sweet—in a creepy,
super-dorky sort of way—and we were also going to state for the
record that NO, KIP, WE ARE NOT DOING THIS, JUST AS WE SAID NO TO YOUR
SUGGESTION OF GETTING MARRIED AT THAT CREEPY STAR TREK HOTEL IN
LAS VEGAS, AND MAYBE BEFORE YOU START WORRYING ABOUT OUR CREMAINS, YOU
SHOULD WRITE OUR DAMNED ANNIVERSARY ON YOUR SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT CALENDAR FOR ONCE! But then we were interrupted by a phone
call from an exasperated-sounding Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII,
who demanded that we print the following missive: “Seriously, you guys.
Come on. Stop shooting your garbage into space. Some of us live out
here, you know.” Man. His quotes are really beginning to suck.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 31 OMG, Lindsay Lohan almost had to
fly coach! On her way to Tampa today for the Super Bowl, LiLo
was told that due to an overbooked flight, she’d have to sit with those
filthy, poor, working-class plebeians in steerage. According to
Fox News, Linds “stomped around” in protest before telling a friend who
was traveling with her, “You’d better come and visit me back there
in case I die.” While Lohan’s tantrum worked—she was
quickly moved up to first class—is anyone else here thinking what
we’re thinking? If we can just get Lindsay and Ashton together
for a reality TV show where they actually had to, you know, deal with
reality, we’re pretty sure we’d have a smash hit on our hands. Just
sayin’.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1 This week Us magazine ran a story
on the first family, using a cover image that was supposed to be
Barack and Michelle smiling with their two adorable
daughters. Only one thing was missing: Barack, who was cropped out
of the photo in order to make room for an image of a recently
plumped-up Jessica Simpson! (Headline: “Inside Jess’ Weight
Battle: ‘Jumbo Jessica.'”) Oh, America. It’s nice to see that
immediately following the historic inauguration of a president who’s
all about change, our priorities are still exactly where they used to
be. Namely, up Jessica Simpson’s ass.