MONDAY, APRIL 14
Celebrities: They want to be just like us! And this past weekend, some of Hollyweird’s finest stepped out to attend the smelly rock fest Coachella, including Leo DiCaprio, who showed up with his new 21-year-old Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend Toni Garrn (recently photographed topless in Bora Bora smooching Leo—sooo like us). Also like us, Leo was wearing a bandana to unsuccessfully cover his face, like those strange skateboarders you see around town. (Can someone explain to us why they do that? We’re old!) Unfortunately for Leo, according to E! Online, he was spotted and videotaped “dancing like a raver during MGMT’s show” kicking and punching the air in a sad attempt to act like a normal person. (And he succeeded, because this is exactly the way Hubby Kip dances. Ugh.) MEANWHILE… Because he has to show up everywhere and ruin everything, professional dickhole Justin Bieber arrived at Coachella, too… again, wearing a bandana over his face! DO YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND HOW DUMB YOU LOOK? Also, according to E! Online, he was hanging around with on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again gal pal Selena Gomez, who was reportedly spotted “holding hands” and (gross!) “getting cozy.” Selena… we appreciate you not wearing a bandana over your face, but you’re still hanging around with Justin Bieber. DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW DUMB YOU LOOK?
TUESDAY, APRIL 15
Speaking of people who don’t know how dumb they look, vaccine and fluoride denier Jenny McCarthy wrote an editorial in the Chicago Sun-Times this past weekend denying that she’s a vaccine denier. “I am not ‘anti-vaccine,'” McCarthy wrote to a disbelieving public. “This is not a change in my stance nor is it a new position that I have recently adopted. For years, I have repeatedly stated that I am, in fact, ‘pro-vaccine’ and for years I have been wrongly branded as ‘anti-vaccine.’” Hmmm… you know, that’s really strange. Because we can think of at least three instances where Jenny was overwhelmingly “anti-vaccine.” Like in a 2007 CNN interview in which she said, “I am surely not going to tell anyone to vaccinate. But if I had another child, there’s no way in hell.” Sounds kinda “anti-vaccine” to us! Or this 2010 Huffington Post article, in which Jenny writes, “…the experts are certain ‘vaccines don’t cause autism; they don’t injure children; they are the pillar of modern public health.’ I say, ‘That’s a lie and we’re sick of it.'” Call us crazy, but that doesn’t sound like Jenny likes vaccines very much! Or in this Time magazine interview by Jeffrey Kluger, in which Jenny told him, “If you ask a parent of an autistic child if they want the measles or the autism, we will stand in line for the fucking measles.” Yes, we would prefer measles to autism, too—if vaccines caused autism. But study after study proves they don’t. By the way, Kluger responded to Jenny’s Sun-Times editorial about not being “anti-vaccine” with the following wicked sweet burn: “Jenny… it’s just too late to play cute with the things you’ve said. You are either floridly, loudly, uninformedly anti-vaccine or you are the most grievously misunderstood celebrity of the modern era.” (And you’re not, because that’s Justin Bieber. According to him.)
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16
Oh, no! Pop tartlet Miley Cyrus is in the hospital! The tongue-wagging superstar was forced to cancel her Kansas City show yesterday, after being hospitalized for “a severe allergic reaction to antibiotics.” (Amateur pharmacist Jenny McCarthy could not be reached for comment.) According to her rep, Miley was suffering from a sinus infection, and after being prescribed the antibiotic cephalexin, “she suffered an extreme allergic reaction,” which could keep her in the hospital anywhere from five days to a month! While Miley’s long-term incapacitation could be the worst possible news for the gossip pages of America… at least we’ve still got her Twatter account. She’s been documenting her medical progress all week, and has made the following acute observations: “Hospital TV is wacccckkkkkkk!!!!!#where’stheappletv.” And “Happy 420/ Easter! [emojis] I’ll be where I’ve been the passed week. In bed. Crying. NOT stoned. [more emojis] wackkkkkkkkkkkkkk.” And, “reading books so I don’t die a famous pop pop dumb dumb.” Good for you, Miley! (Use the time wisely, and please learn how to spell.)
THURSDAY, APRIL 17
Has Scientologist Tom Cruise found love with fellow Scientologist Laura Prepon? The New York Post claims Cruise and the star of That ’70s Show and Orange Is the New Black have been “secretly dating” for months. But to discover the real truth, let’s ask the ultimate authority: the Church of Scientology’s resident spokesalien, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII. “By the cloned ashes of our savior L. Ron Hubbard, the Church of Scientology vehemently denies this balderubbish!” squealed Klaktu, moist tentacles thrashing in fury. “But actually, Ann,” Klaktu then whispered conspiratorially, “I’ve been trying to set these two hotties up for years. I mean, c’mon! She plays a lesbian on TV! Rrrowwrr-rrrowrr! And he’s an OT Level VIII! What woman wouldn’t want some of that sweet thetan action? And don’t say Katie Holmes because she’s dead to me.”
FRIDAY, APRIL 18
Time to celebrate, Portland! We’ve made the national news again, and this time… oh. It’s about a dumb kid peeing into the reservoir, and the even-dumber decision to dump 38 million gallons of the supposedly pee-laced water. (Because god knows we don’t want to taint the goose pee and poop that’s already in there.) While city officials admit the health risk incurred from a single person peeing into the reservoir is very low, they’re dumping all that water anyway—to the never-ending gales of laughter directed at us from around the country. For example, Slate’s Laura Helmuth did some calculations and discovered that, in order for our reservoir to reach a level of contamination that would concern the Environmental Protection Agency, a person would have to “urinate [into it] constantly for 3,500,000 seconds, or about 40 days.” Impossible? You haven’t heard Hubby Kip pee during the middle of the night.
SATURDAY, APRIL 19
Remember that petition you signed a few months ago? (No.) The one asking the United States government to deport Justin Bieber back to Canada? (Ohhhh! That one! Yeahhhh!) Well, the petition garnered a whopping 100,000 signatures which means the Obama administration was forced to issue a public response, and here it is: “Sorry to disappoint, but we won’t be commenting on this one,” the statement said. “We’ll leave it to others to comment on Mr. Bieber’s case, but we’re glad you care about immigration issues. Because our current system is broken. Too many employers game the system by hiring undocumented workers, and 11 million people are living in the shadows.” Now wait just a doggone second! YOU’RE the one “gaming the system,” Mr. President! You’re supposed to issue a real response—not a PSA for immigration reform, which we absolutely agree with! THAT’S IT. WE’RE MOVING TO CANADA. MEANWHILE… In the most recent issue of Men’s Fitness, celebrity hunkboat Jon Hamm called Justin Bieber “a shithead.” So we guess that makes it 100,001 sane, rational people who want to deport Justin Bieber. HOW MANY NAMES WILL IT TAKE, MR. PRESIDENT? HOW… MANY… NAMES?
SUNDAY, APRIL 20
As long as we’re playing “remember when?”… remember when we reported that someone found Lindsay Lohan’s sexual conquest list (that was hilariously written on a Scattergories score sheet)? The list included names such as Justin Timberlake, Zac Efron, James Franco, Heath Ledger, and believe us when we say this list goes on and on. Well! On Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live, host Andy Cohen tricked LiLo into admitting the list was real with a game called “Plead the Fifth,” in which Cohen asked the star three questions, but she could only “plead the Fifth” for one. Unfortunately for Lindsay, she’d used this pass on her second question and was forced to answer honestly when asked about the infamous sex list. “You know what? I’m going to get serious for a second,” she told Cohen. “That was actually my fifth step in AA at Betty Ford [rehab]. Someone must have taken a photo of it. That’s a really personal thing, and it’s really unfortunate.” Yes, it IS really unfortunate… because AA’s “fifth step” is actually admitting “the exact nature of our wrongs”—not writing down all your former sex partners on a Scattergories sheet. But thanks for playing, Lindsay! (She will receive no parting gifts.)
Regarding the vaccine comment, it never fails to amaze me that proto-fascists Ann and Wm Humpty just accept whatever the pharmacoindustrial complex tell them is the truth.
Or they would know that vaccines don’t cause autism, but vaccines in combination with tylenol does.
And re fluoride, they would know that all of the Scandinavian countries, which have a much better level overall health than the US, ALL ban fluoride in their water supplies.
But its a lot easier to just turn off your brain, isn’t it Ann?
For writers at an “alternative” paper, your uncritical acceptance of the status quo is really pathetic.
What is probably more pathetic was your grades in any sort of science classes, funkyside.
Flouride is not used in a number of countries and places but this Publication has a hard on for it, so just get used to dealing with the constant references to it much like “gun nuts” and anything they have an agenda about. Not that it really matters either way
Allegedly they are one and the same anyway. so now you can be ticked off at only one person Funkyside
Hey Frankenstein….straight A’s, baby…
For clarity, you’d best consider the whole paper as Humpty’s mouth piece. It’s true the Mercury’s Ann Romano never existed (look up the old tv show One Day at a Time and read through its cast; and also look at old issues of the Stranger for verbatim comparisons of both papers’ weekly gossip column). I don’t know how it works now, but years ago several people wrote One Day under the one psuedonym. Not that it matters because the entire publication is bent to one person’s ideology, as are most media outlets. The Left vs. Right polemic is a very profitable artifice. So alas, the easier days of humor over political bias seem to have left the ol’ Mercury. The reporting may be smarter, the writers more interesting, but heavy-handed propaganda is always tiring.
OH DEAR GOD I wish Ann or anyone else at this paper would be my mouthpiece… we wouldn’t have entire issues devoted to Game of Thrones, or endless reviews of mind-numbingly terrible noise rock bands, or columns about garbage bags that are hailed as examples of high fashion. Unfortunately for your theory, my employees don’t give a shit about my opinion—but if it makes you feel more secure that the majority of the media (and science) are rubbing their hands together and cackling BWAA-HA-HAA, then go right ahead. Seems weird to me, though.