One Day At a Time

MONDAY, MARCH 9 Wait… hear that? If that’s the sound of
hooves prancing with glee, it can only mean one thing: John
“Hung Like a Stallion” Mayer has asked Jennifer “She Looks Like
a Horse” Aniston to become his “Mrs. Ed.” According to the Daily
Mirror, Mayer has been shopping for an 18-carat diamond
engagement ring at posh jewelry firm Lorraine Schwartz—yes,
that’s the same jeweler who furnished stunning rocks for
J.Lo, Beyoncé, and ourselves (in our dreams). Why
such humongous bling? “When [John] does get down on one knee, he wants
to be completely sure he gets the right answer,” says a snoopy source.
Oh, please. What else is she going to say? When you’re a couple
furlongs away from the glue factory, practically any jockey will do!
The more important question is, “Considering her track record, how much
longer can this relationship even last?” Answer in three…
two… one… “Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer: Broken
Up” reads this afternoon’s E! Online headline. “He broke up with
her when she got back from her European tour [promoting her movie
Marley & Me],” an insider says. OUCH! Sorry, Jennifer. There
may not be an 18-carat ring, but you’ll always have Sex and the
City reruns and a bucket of oats.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10 In other totally UNsurprising news from
Splitsville, 18-year-old Bristol Palin (daughter of failed veep
wannabe Sarah Palin) has been dumped and left holding the
baby by former fiancé and admitted redneck Levi Johnston.
Rumor has it that during the election the GOP was strongly encouraging
Levi to marry Bristol as soon as she finished high school to ensure
that the potential vice president didn’t have an unwed mother for a
daughter. However, since Sarah lost the election, the deal is obviously
off. And while Tripp doesn’t yet have the greatest command of the
English language, he did have this reaction:
“Thankgodthankgodthankgod….” MEANWHILE… According to the
New York Post, singer and alleged Rihanna abuser Chris
Brown has found a new scapegoat for his troubles: his management
team. Brown reportedly wants to fire his entire management/publicity
staff for bumbling the PR fallout following his alleged attack on
girlfriend Rihanna. According to a source, “Chris wanted to apologize
much earlier… and he was upset when the apology was finally released
because it sounded so insincere.” WAIT. He was upset by an
apology someone else wrote for him? Ohhhh… then by all means,
let us give it a shot. “Dear public and especially Rihanna: I am too
morally despicable to write my own apology, meaning I’m obviously not
very ashamed by my horrible and abusive actions. However, I do admit I
beat women, I’m a loathsome excuse for a human being, and while my
penis should be cut off for my crimes, it is far too small to be
located at this time. And for this, I apologize. Sincerely an asshole,
Chris Brown.” Better?

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11 YES! “Disintegrating Hollyweird Relationship
Week” continues with… who else… Lindsay Lohan and her
persnickety lesborific gal-pal DJ Samantha Ronson. This week’s
flare-up occurred at the exclusive Las Vegas nightclub Prive, where
LiLo arrived to surprise SamRo during her DJ gig. However, it was
Lindsay who received the surprise when the pair started fighting
about god-knows-what and grumpy Sam stormed from the club, peeling
out in her black Porsche. Lindy quickly followed, drink in hand,
frantically screaming, “Did she leave in my car? Did she fucking leave?
Did she fucking leave?” Hopping into her black Mercedes SL550,
Lindsay pursued Sam all the way back to LA, forgetting only one
thing… her bodyguard left stranded outside the club. It’s
unknown how or if he made it back to Los Angeles. Hmm… Sam and LiLo
aren’t considering adoption, right?

THURSDAY, MARCH 12 Justice got a little blinder today when
two high-profile cases came to fruition: First, the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at visiting former
President Bush was sentenced to three years in prison.
“It was an act of throwing a shoe and not a rocket,” the lawyer for
Muntadhar al-Zeidi told the judge. “It was meant as an insult to the
occupation.” That brings up a good point… what kind of prison
sentence does one get for throwing a rocket? MEANWHILE… Wall Street con artist Bernard Madoff pled guilty today
of fleecing investors out of close to $65 billion and is now looking at
up to 150 years in prison. DeWitt Baker, an investor who lost
more than $1 million to Madoff’s schemes, offered up his own suggestion
for punishment. “I’d stone him to death,” he said simply.
Sometimes the old ways are still the best ways.

FRIDAY, MARCH 13 Breaking news: Girly Zac Efron has
Christ-like powers! The 21-year-old star of High School Musical recently told of his healing mojo, recalling one fan he inspired to
walk. “I was at this signing and there were stairs you had to walk
up,” Efron preached. “There was this mom that was in a wheelchair and
her daughter came up and got an autograph. And the mom was like, ‘I
want one too,’ so she stands right up from the wheelchair and
walks right up on stage. I signed like 10 things for her and she walked
back down, sat in her wheelchair, and rolled away.” Okay, so
first? Obvs, that lady was totally faking. Second? Screw his
Footloose remake—the only thing Efron can do to make up
for High School Musical is to play Jesus in an equally gory
remake of The Passion of the Christ. MEANWHILE… Thought
things were crazy for Lindsay Lohan before? Well, buckle up!
Today the Beverly Hills Police Department issued an arrest
warrant for Lohan! Apparently, following her hit-and-run DUI in
2007, Lohan didn’t complete the mandatory community service, didn’t
finish her alcohol program, and failed a drug test. Watch out,
Beverly Hills! LOHAN IS ON THE LOOSE! (Lohan’s activities today did not
include turning herself in to police, but rather [A] getting in a fight
with her girlfriend, Samantha Ronson, in which a window at
Ronson’s house was broken; [B] dining and drinking with friends; and
[C] at 2 am, showing up uninvited at Jack Nicholson‘s house on
Mulholland Drive and demanding to be let in.)

SATURDAY, MARCH 14 “The warrant issued on Friday was, in our view,
born out of a misunderstanding,” said Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer, Shawn
Chapman Holley. (Holley refused to answer questions on why his name
makes him sound like a serial killer.) Beverly Hills Police
Lieutenant Mark Rosen weighed in as well. “We are not actively
looking for Ms. Lohan at this time,” Rosen told reporters. “But if she
comes in contact with police, she’s subject to arrest.” In other
words, STAY ALERT, RESIDENTS OF BEVERLY HILLS!

SUNDAY, MARCH 15 UPDATE! LINDSAY LOHAN STILL AT LARGE! She is on Twitter, though, tweeting
tweets that will doubtless confound any Beverly Hills cop… or any
sane person, really. Let’s look at the Twee-vidence (sorry!), as
gathered by Defamer.com! “I miss my baby- but she really does owe me
ONE__ IM SORRY,” “At chateau meeting with chicks who act like
d*cks… Ha!”, “people-if you fucking love someone. PUT UR PRIDE
A-fucking-SIDE AND JUST LOVE THEM BACK! Do not ever dj before calling
if they ARE FUCKING,” “THERE IS NO WARRANT!“, and, finally, “la
needs better restaurants.” Well, can’t argue with that last one.
MEANWHILE… Among all of this week’s chaos and confusion, we
had to find at least one feel-good story to end the week on.
And… well… we’re sorry, but this is the best we could do: Jamie
Kennedy and Ghost Whisperer‘s Jennifer Love Hewitt?
Officially an item! No? Okay, fine. Just remember: If you see a certain
fugitive around, do not make eye contact, slowly back
away, and—if absolutely forced to speak to
her—complain about restaurants.