One Day at a Time

MONDAY, MAY 11 Breaking news! Miss California’s (AKA Carrie Prejean, AKA homophobe poster girl, AKA big-time
Christian) titties fall out… again! Not only did
Carrie’s girls escape in pictures revealed early last week, but a new
set of photos have also emerged clearly showing her erect, razor-sharp
nipples preparing to poke out a homosexual’s eyes. Since this is a
clear violation of her Miss California contract, the Miss
California Organization should have taken her crown. Instead, they
decided to punt, leaving the decision to the wisest man in the
universe: Donald Trump. Now under normal circumstances, Mr.
Trump is in favor of “binding contracts” (since he uses them in his
business, like… every day?). However, in this case Mr. Trump decided
to throw all those silly contracts aside and after closely examining
the pert, erect photos for any sign of contract-breaking nudity,
decided to allow Miss California to keep her crown! “We are in
the 21st century,” Trump was nice enough to remind us, “and we have
determined the pictures taken are fine… and in some cases the
pictures were lovely.” Gack! Gack! Sorry… that line touched our old
perv reflex.

TUESDAY, MAY 12 Remember last week when actor Kiefer Sutherland kind of, sort of headbutted a fashion
designer in the nose at a party, because the designer in question
kind of, sort of bumped into Brooke Shields? Well, Kiefer was
kind of, sort of charged with third-degree assault, and the
Shields camp was kind of, sort of quiet about the entire incident…
until today! Shields’ rep finally gave her side of the story, saying,
“While at [the afterparty at SubMercer], Brooke was bumped into by
[designer] Jack McCollough, and Kiefer Sutherland became
concerned. Kiefer has always been a gentleman in her company.”
Another source close to Brooke also told the Daily News that
McCollough sort of, “may have shoved Kiefer first.” Stay tuned to see
if Kiefer might just, sort of go to prison. MEANWHILE… In news
that sent Hubby Kip rushing off to his toolshed with a box of
tissues and hand lotion, Transformers actress Megan Fox has announced she is bisexual. (KIP! QUIET DOWN OUT THERE!!) As
Megan so subtly put it to Esquire magazine, “I think people are
born bisexual and they make subconscious choices based on the pressures
of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m
also a hypocrite. I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because
that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that
I’d never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.” Wait…
WHAT? Is she bipolar as well? What the hell is she even talking about?
(DAMN IT, KIP! BE… QUIET!! WE CAN’T HEAR OURSELVES THINK IN
HERE!)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13 Oh, no! Quick, somebody call the
cops! Lindsay Lohan’s house has been broken into and
ransacked! Look! They threw filthy clothes everywhere!
Ugh! They helped themselves to frozen dinners and then left the
trays on the coffee table! And… and… ew! What’s that? Oh, sweet
lord. They actually had the audacity to fill the sink with gross,
food-encrusted dishes that don’t look like they’ve been
washed in a month, and… wait. According to the police, after they
entered LiLo’s home, they quickly determined that in actuality nothing
was stolen, and that her place always looks like this. Yes, but
how can they be sure? Just to be safe, can you look for burglars
underneath Lindsay’s rotting pile of stained underpants?

THURSDAY, MAY 14 You remember Azharuddin Ismail as one of the child stars in Slumdog Millionaire, who,
after winning accolades in Hollywood, returned to his slum in India
where he was forced to beg for money outside his rickety shack and
receive regular beatings from his father. But it couldn’t get
worse… right? From the AP: “The 10-year-old… was awakened Thursday
by a policeman wielding a bamboo stick and ordered out of his home.
Minutes later it was bulldozed along with dozens of other
shanties. ‘I was frightened,’ said Ismail, who lost his pet
kittens in the chaos. ‘Where is my chicken?’ he asked
forlornly, picking through the shamble of broken wood and twisted metal
sheeting in search of the family hen.” Ismail, don’t cry. Your kittens
and hen probably had cancer.

FRIDAY, MAY 15 Normally, nothing interesting happens in
France. But this week is different, because every single person in Hollyweird flew there for the Cannes Film Festival! And
what a fest it was! First, Mariah Carey and Lenny Kravitz teamed up to throw a hissy fit when they were late for the red carpet!
Okay, that’s not interesting…. Oooh! Penélope Cruz got
food poisoning! Ehhh, no… oh, here we go: Lars von
Trier‘s latest film is the worst movie ever! “Von Trier is
not so much making a film about violence as making a film to inflict
violence upon us,” Roger Ebert wrote of
Antichrist, which screened to “derisive hoots,” according
to Variety. The film follows a married couple (Willem
Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg) whose baby falls out of a
window and dies. Then, they engage in Saw-type torture that
features “explicit sexual gore.” “Lars von Trier cuts a big fat
art-film fart with Antichrist,” Variety squealed,
while critic Jeff Wells succinctly deemed the film a
“fartbomb.” Calling himself “the world’s greatest director,” von
Trier responded to comments about the film by “alternatively mocking or
dismissing” all who questioned it, according to The Hollywood
Reporter. “He also insisted he was not playing a joke on the
audience but meant everything, from the film’s talking fox to
the closing dedication to Russian director Andrei Tarkovsky, a
dedication that drew howls of laughter, to be taken seriously.” While
at Cannes, von Trier also announced the title of his next film, Just
Kill Yourself Now: A Day in the Life of One of Those Adorable Little
Urchins from Slumdog Millionaire.

SATURDAY, MAY 16 “Put it this way: I’ve experimented
definitely, but I have never had a steady girlfriend,” said Fergie. And with that sentence, the 34-year-old singer—who
looks like a cross between a baseball mitt and E.T., and has
been known to pee her pants while onstage—”totally ruined
the allure of bisexual chicks,” according to one area man, who may or
may not be named Kip.”Everything about the world was so
beautiful when I found out Megan Fox did chicks,” the man went
on, wiping a single tear from his cheek. “And then Fergie ruined it.
Just like she ruins everything.” The area man then forlornly threw his
Kleenex and lotion in the garbage, and spent the next two hours staring
out the window.

SUNDAY, MAY 17 “[I’m] thinking about getting a Filipino mail-order bride at this point!” the single Alec
Baldwin cracked on The Late Show with David Letterman earlier this week. Ha! Oh, Alec! Just nobody tell Philippine Senator
Ramon Revilla, all right? That guy’s got a temper and—oh,
no! Someone did! Calling the “arrogant” Baldwin’s statement
“insensitive and uncalled for,” Revilla then made things even uglier:
“Let him try to come here in the Philippines,” Revilla growled, “and
he’ll see mayhem.” (Psst! That’s a local idiom that,
according to the Associated Press, “implies the speaker will personally
administer a beating.”) Revilla, take our advice: Back down.
You do not want Alec Baldwin to be angry with you. Want proof?
Have his daughter play you her answering machine messages.