One Day at a Time

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19 As you undoubtedly recall, former beauty queen/ugly homophobe
Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California Organization for
unfair dismissal. According to Prejean, she was fired for
espousing her despicable beliefs, and she’s also peeved that the Miss
California group let the cat out of the bag about her pre-pageant
boob job (which they were kind enough to pay for, btw). Not to be
outdone by a blonde hate-speaking hillbilly, the organization is now
counter-suing Prejean, accusing her of missing scheduled
appearances, lying about her recently discovered nudie photos, signing
an unauthorized book contract, and using her position to campaign
against same-sex marriage. To pay for her crimes, the countersuit is
asking for the proceeds from Prejean’s book, as well as the
$5,200 they gave her for the breast implants. In a related
story, Prejean’s boobs are filing for emancipation.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 20 Underneath the dead, soulless eyes and leathery skin of Lindsay
Lohan, we’re sure there resides a residual flicker of “feeling” for
her deadbeat, sycophantic father, Michael Lohan. And yet? Radar
Online reported today that Linds has started the paperwork to file a
restraining order against her pukey pop. According to snoopy
sources inside Camp LiLo, Lindsay was inspired to file the restraining
order after Michael made the following comments to the press about his
druggy daughter: “If I can’t get a conservatorship [of Lindsay],
then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her
straight. But I know I’m gonna get charged with kidnapping.”
Look, Michael, threatening to kidnap your daughter might not convince a
judge you have her best interests in mind. However, don’t throw away
those plans just yet! When reached for comment from her prison/mansion,
Britney Spears said, “Please kidnap me, y’all! Please?”

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 21 At the 25th anniversary of the International Association of
Scientologists held in West Sussex, England, all vacant,
half-lidded eyes were on their earthly messiah, Tom Cruise, his
android seminal vessel Katie Holmes, and the earthly heir to
L. Ron Hubbard’s interstellar celestial kingdom, daughter
Suri. A source tells Us Weekly that when the Scientology
choir took the stage, “Tom was swaying and looked like he was in
heaven. He was really, really into it. Katie was next to him
doing her best to look as enthusiastic. She was clapping along with the
song, but was totally out of sync.” (Hmm. Perhaps the internal
metronome in her audiocard is on the fritz?) Anyway, leave it to
protesters to ruin Tom’s perfect day! When an acquaintance asked
Tom how he felt about the protesters loudly chanting outside the venue,
he was overheard to have furiously replied, “They’re squirrels.
Stuck in an electronic incident. It makes me so angry!” Wait…
“squirrels”? “Electronic incident”? What?? “Oh, Ann, you are so very
naïve,” bellowed Emperor Klaktu when reached for comment
from his holo-castle on Rigel VII. “Allow me to elucidate. Tom is
obviously referring to ignorant unbelievers as ‘squirrels’ who choose
to live in an ‘electronic incident’—or media-obsessed
world—rather than listen to the simple truth of L. Ron
Hubbard’s words.” Thoughtfully stroking his three chins with a
tentacle, Klaktu paused, then continued, “It’s either that or an actual
squirrel got fried on a transformer.”

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22 Former Charlie’s Angels star Jaclyn Smith has yet to
receive an apology from celebrity blogger Perez Hilton for mistakenly writing that the actress had shot herself. (In
actuality, it was Smith lookalike Sandra Franklin.) “It’s
irresponsible,” Smith said of Hilton’s actions. “It can be hurtful and
painful to people that love you.” Now, in and of itself, this is not
very interesting gossip. However, it does give us an opportunity to
publish a picture of Perez with something white dripping out of
his mouth. Enjoy!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23 It’s official: Our new favorite celeb is Bronson Pinchot! To
be honest, we didn’t know Balki was still alive, but apparently
he is—and he’s dishing out catty interviews to The Onion‘s
A.V. Club! According to Pinchot, Denzel Washington is “one of
the most unpleasant human beings I’ve ever met in my life,” Bette
Midler is “a bitch,” Eddie Murphy was so depressed about his
crappy career that during Beverly Hills Cop III he couldn’t even
act alongside Pinchot, and Tom Cruise is “the biggest bore on
the face of the Earth” who, during the filming of Risky
Business, “made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments,
like, ‘You want some ice cream, in case there are no gay people
there?‘” and ‘It’s a nice day, I’m glad there are no gay people
standing here.’ Now, a decent person might say, “C’mon, Bronson!
Hasn’t Tom Cruise had a bad-enough week, what with all those protesting
squirrels?” We, on the other hand, shall say this: Balki, you are
the only person in Hollyweird who has ever said anything
worthwhile. (Well, except for us. Obvs.)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24 Kanye West is not dead, guys! Despite a Twatter hoax
earlier this week—when “RIP Kanye West” was one of the
most popular tags on the preferred social networking site of attention
span-challenged narcissists—Kanye is alive and well. “This ‘RIP
KanyeWest’ topic is not funny and its NOT TRUE!,” Kanye’s girlfriend,
Amber Rose, twatted in an effort to curtail the rumor. “He has
people like myself and his family that love him very much.” (Aha! So
those are the people who aren’t sick of Kanye yet!)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25 How’s David Spade‘s career going? Phenomenal! For proof, just
watch the most recent ad for DirecTV, which splices together
footage of Spade and his deceased pal Chris Farley. In the ad,
Farley is shown doing his “fat guy in a little coat” routine from
Tommy Boy; meanwhile, Spade rolls his eyes and talks to the
camera about how he’d rather be watching DirecTV’s “sweet, beautiful
HD.” Not so shockingly, many were appalled by Spade’s shameless
cash-in on Farley’s memory—but they’re getting the wrong
impression, says Spade! “When DirecTV came to me and the Farley family
with this idea about Tommy Boy, we talked and thought it would
be a cool way to remind people just how funny Chris was,” Spade said in
a statement as he madly backpedaled all the way to the bank. “It is a
clever homage to my friend and a movie that we loved doing.” Sure,
David. Sigh. Well, at least this sort of shameless exploitation
of dead celebrities doesn’t happen very often, right? IN RELATED
NEWS… Elsewhere in this week’s Mercury, please see our review for Michael Jackson’s This Is It.