One Day at a Time

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2 Panic, you guys! The upcoming Elton John and Billy Joel concert, which was to have taken place at
Portland’s Rose Garden Arena, has been postponed
indefinitely—no thanks to E. coli! (Looks like Mom’s getting
a Walgreen’s Snuggie for Christmas instead.) Though he is reportedly
“absolutely fine” (?), Sir Elton was sent to a London hospital to be
treated for “E. coli bacterial infection and influenza” causing
both the Seattle and Portland dates to be temporarily cancelled. Yes,
yes—but how is Billy Joel doing, your mother must be wondering?
Well, we’re happy to report that Billy is fine other than a slight
tickle in the back of his throat, which he intends to cure by drinking
a tumbler of vodka and driving his Porsche into an aluminum guardrail.
MEANWHILE… Have you been following Levi Johnston’s
Twatters? They’re hilarious… and kind of racist… but hilarious!
For example, “WHATS THE DEAL WITH THE TAXI DRIVERS NOT SPEAKING
ENGLISH IS IT A LAW AGAINST IT?” is a recent example. Other
grammatically challenged entries range from subtle observations
(“Lady Gaga has the biggest ass I’ve seen in a white girl…”)
to historical trivia (“in Roman Times Blonde people were consider dirty
and infested with lice…”). However, Levi is not above using the
social networking platform to forward his own personal agenda:
“anybody knows where I cna get some good WEED??” [Yes, we know
this is probably just someone pretending to be Levi… but even
he can’t deny that it’s real enough for our purposes.]

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3 A tough day for those in favor of equal rights
for all. (You know… the thing our country was supposedly based
on?) Voters in Maine shot down a same-sex marriage law passed by
the state legislature in May, by a final score of 53 to 47 percent.
It’s especially heartbreaking since the law had the backing of local
government, showed a tremendous amount of grassroots support, and has
emboldened the homophobes who are intent on keeping America’s gay and
lesbians as second-class citizens. Oh… here’s a homophobe now.
“Maine is one of the most secular states in the nation,” said Christian
conservative and President of National Organization for Marriage
Maggie Gallagher. “If [gays] can’t win there, it really does
tell you the majority of Americans are not on board with this gay
marriage thing.” While one’s first instinct might be to slap the
smug off Gallagher’s stupid faux-Christian face, one should remember
that Basic Rights Oregon is looking toward 2012 to win marriage
equality in this state, and needs your help and contributions. Maine is
our wake-up call. Check out basicrights.org for more info, and let’s
get to work on turning our dreams into Maggie Gallagher’s worst
nightmare.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 4 It’s gonna sound weird, but here we go anyway:
We feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan! (And not just because she looks
like a 64-year-old grandma from Boca Raton.) LiLo’s nutbag pop,
Michael Lohan, has got it into his kinda-insane head that the
only person that can straighten out his daughter’s wacky life is HIM.
Unfortunately the way he’s going about it is by leaking
three-year-old surreptitiously recorded audiotapes of Lindsay
sobbing hysterically. Now, it should be noted that while Lindsay may
not be the current poster child for the Mental Health Association,
she’s not nearly as loopy as she was last year around this time.
Nevertheless, Deadbeat Daddy Lohan wants conservatorship powers over Lindsay (à la Britney), and is being a real a-b-and-c-hole
about it. LiLo’s Twatter account agrees. “My father’s such a
loser & those recordings are from years ago,” she furiously
twatted. “To release personal things is foul enough, but to edit them.
I used to think that he needed the book for dummies on learning how to
be a father. He’s [sic] needs the book for dummies on HOW TO
BE A MAN.” Ooooooh! Burrrrrn! (Besides, if anyone should be
Lindsay’s conservator, it should be a proofreader.)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Today a 39-year-old Army psychiatrist went on a
shooting spree at the Fort Hood military base in Texas, killing
13 people and wounding 30. The shooter, Major Nidal Malik Hasan,
was an American-born Muslim of Palestinian descent who reportedly loved
the military, but detested the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. The
current theory as to why the shooting took place is that Hasan was
anxious about being deployed to Afghanistan. His aunt, Noel
Hasan, had more to add, saying that the major had endured years
of harassment due to his Muslim faith following the 9/11 attacks.
“I know what that is like,” she said. “Some people can take it, and
some cannot. He had listened to all of that, and he wanted out of the
military, and they would not let him leave even after he offered to
repay [them for his medical training].” As of press time, Hasan, who
was hospitalized after being shot four times during the incident, had
recovered enough to speak, but had not spoken to military
investigators.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 6 Fair warning, Scientologists:
Misbehave, and Tom Cruise will personally “beat the living
shit” out of you! That’s the rumor going around thanks to former
Scientologist Marty Rathbun, who claims that several years ago,
during one of Cruise’s visits to Scientology HQ, the church’s leader,
David Miscavige, ordered a “Tom Cruise-arrival preparation
drill.” Church members were forced to practice “orchestrating every
action they perform… in the presence of Cruise”—and when three
men failed the drills, Mascavige ordered other Scientologists to
beat them up—telling them that if they refused to do so,
Cruise himself had promised to “beat the living shit” out of
them! Cruise’s reps, naturally, deny the claims. MEANWHILE, BACK ON
RIGEL VII… “C’mon, Ann,” Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII said
when reached for comment. “Use your pretty-but-primitive humanoid head
for a moment: Tom Cruise—though he may be a Smiter of
Thetans and a Blessed Prophet of L. Ron Hubbard—can’t
beat anyone up. Dude’s like five-foot nothin’, and that’s when he’s standing on a hardcover of Battlefield Earth!” (We hate to
say it, buuuut… Klaktu kinda has a point.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 7 We have some good news and some bad news. Which
do you want first? Okay, good news it is! Today the House of
Representatives narrowly passed Obama’s health reform bill! The breakdown: 220 votes to 215. Unsurprisingly, only one Republican
(Anh Cao of Louisiana) voted for the bill, while a whopping 39
dipshit Democrats voted against it. (“Nearly all of the 14 freshmen
Democrats who voted ‘no’ represent districts that were previously
Republican and are considered vulnerable in 2010,” the New York
Times noted. In other words: wusses.) The bad news: In order to get
even that many votes, Democrats had to cede a little thing known as
abortion rights, adding a provision that severely restricts
abortion coverage. And, finally, some even worse news: In successfully
adding this “provision that would block the use of federal subsidies
for insurance that covers elective abortions,” says the Times,
“[it] has energized abortion opponents with their biggest victory in
years—emboldening them for a pitched battle in the Senate.” Hmm.
Are we wrong, or is this not working out quite the way we hoped?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 8 Jessica Simpson is “DOOMED TO LOSE,”
proclaims a headline in the National Enquirer! “With her
romantic life in tatters, career stalled, and the brutal death of her
dog Daisy [Eaten by a coyote! Not kidding! –Ann],
Jessica’s loved ones are concerned that stress and heartbreak have
pushed her to the edge.” An anonymous friend of the family tells the
Enquirer that recently, “Jessica’s father, Joe, walked in
on her poring over a photo album, collapsed in tears that ran down her
cheeks. When Joe asked, ‘What’s wrong, honey?’ Jess screamed,
‘EVERYTHING!‘” (And that’s as good of a note as anything to end
on, dears. Until next week. Mwah!)