MONDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Dethroned Miss California USA Carrie
Prejean—whose homophobic remarks about same-sex marriage have
made her a conservative darling—has two things going for her this
week: (1) A brand-new book verbosely entitled Still Standing:
The Untold Story of My Fight Against Gossip, Hate, and Political
Attacks, and (2) A brand-new sex tape that should be titled,
Still on My Back: A Videotape of Me Masturbating for an Ex-Boyfriend
Who I Mistakenly Thought Loved Me. Carrie visited the friendly
confines of Fox News tonight to deliver the curiously timed news
about her book, and the “all-by-myself” sex tape (translated: SHE
WAS MASTURBATING) which surfaced during her dropped lawsuit against
the Miss California Organization. According to “Little Miss
Perfect™” the tape was made when she was 17 for a
long-distance boyfriend. “I was a teenager,” Prejean rationalized. “I
cared about him. I trusted him. I think now they call it
‘sexting.'” (That’s not what they call it, but thanks for
playing.) Prejean then continued, “It was bad judgment and it’s
embarrassing and it’s humiliating to be talking about this now on
national TV.” Yes, yes, Carrie… plenty of celebs have sex tapes.
Boo-hoo-hoo-SNORE. We only want to know one thing: Was the
“all-by-myself” sex consensual? Let’s hope it wasn’t, because
we’re pretty sure God frowns on that sort of thing. MEANWHILE…
Jennifer Lopez (remember her?) allegedly also has a new sex
tape ready to drop that includes her “wearing skimpy underwear” and
“being spanked in bed” by her ex-husband Ojani Noa, but since
the tape is NOT accompanied by a new book, no one gives a shit.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 10 More news from the “Gross Celebs
Having Gross Sex” desk: The Atlanta stripper who allegedly had a
genital-rubbing session with Josh Duhamel (Fergie’s hubby)
has publicly apologized to the Black Eyed Peas singer for
boning her husband. “I’m sorry,” stripper Nicole
Forrester told Extra. “I thought, ‘Nobody’s gonna find
out.'” (Mmmm… did you think that before or after you went on the
radio and told the entire world?) The good news for
Fergie is that the stripper in question is less attractive than
she is. The bad news is, that’s not good news, is it?
MEANWHILE… Musician (and former Jennifer Aniston boy-toy) John Mayer actually twatted something almost amusing
today! Upon hearing the news that 100 furious Britney Spears fans stormed out of her Australian concert because she wasn’t actually
singing, Mayer twatted, “If you’re shocked that Britney was
lip-synching at her concert and want your money back, life may continue
to be hard for you.” Ka-ZING! Nice job, John! Perhaps you should quit
the music business, and become one of those “one catch phrase”
comedians like Jeff “You might be a redneck if…” Foxworthy.
Or, maybe just quit the music business. Ka-ZING! (We’re going to
twatter that.)

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11 Poor Carrie Prejean!
(Translated: “Ha-ha-ha-ha-HAAAA!”) Not only has her masturbatory sex
tape totally eclipsed her new book (Still Standing: The Untold Story
of Boo-hoo-hoo, Everybody Hates Me Just Because I Hate Gay People),
Carrie made a total ass out of herself on tonight’s Larry
King Live. After King asked her for the reason behind
her recent out-of-court settlement with the Miss California
Organization, Prejean pitched a half-assed hissy fit, calling
his questions inappropriate, and then whipped off her mic when a caller
identified himself as a “gay pageant lover.” And then… well…
she just kind of sat there. Didn’t stomp off in a huff, just… sat…
there… which was wildly confusing to King, who is confused even on
his best days. But hold, please! Things get even more
delicious….

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 12 This morning Carrie
Prejean unexpectedly cancelled a Republican-themed speaking gig
after her former boyfriend (yes, the same boyfriend for whom she
made the “dancing-with-myself” video) revealed to TMZ that Prejean
asked him to lie about how old she was when she made the tape.
Previously, Prejean claimed she was a stupid, gullible
17-year-old—but according to the boyfriend, she was in fact a
stupid, gullible 20-year-old. Obviously, there’s only one way to
ascertain her true age: Watch the tape, and count the rings around her
vaheena. (Unsurprisingly, Hubby Kip has already volunteered.
EW!) MEANWHILE… In what can only be considered wonderful,
fantastic news that’s also a breath-taking relief, Jon Gosselin (the tubby half of Jon & Kate Plus Eight) has DENIED a
National Enquirer report that he too has an unreleased sex
tape. OMG, you people! You Must Stop with the Sex Tapes, Already!
Whether real or imagined! Seeing your floppy genitalia (or imagining
it) will NOT make you more popular or better liked. (For proof, just
ask Hubby Kip. Again… EW!)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13 Remember when Ms. Homophobe California claimed the video of her “stirring the honey pot” (EW!) was a one-time
thing? Wellllll… Radaronline.com reveals Carrie has not
one, but eight sex tapes—plus 30 topless photos,
“most taken by Carrie using her reflection in the mirror.” The videos
sound similar—”all of them [are] solo performances,” Radar says
(TRANSLATION: STILL MASTURBATING)—but that’s not stopping the
skeeze-mongers at Vivid Entertainment from cozying up to the
religious right’s very own porn star! Vivid has offered to buy and
distribute the “erotic footage,” according to TMZ.com. The response from Prejean’s agent (AKA
Francine Coppola, Carrie’s mom)? “No, at any price.” Hmm.
Y’know, Carrie, you might wanna hold onto Vivid’s number—we have
a hunch that sooner rather than later, you’re going to be looking for
some alternative revenue streams. (Wow. That sounds gross,
too.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 14 FIRST! The disaster epic
2012 opened this weekend and promptly made 85 kazillion
dollars—and now the film’s director, Roland Emmerich (the
auteur behind Independence Day and The Day After
Tomorrow), is threatening to make a TV series called
2013 that picks up where the movie ends. (Okay, so the
actual end of the world might not be here… but we’re in the
midst of a cultural apocalypse, right?) SECOND! What the
flip?! Now John Stamos has a star on Hollyweird’s Walk of Fame?!
(Actually, this is great news—we thought only famous
people got stars, but apparently anyone can get one! Where do we
sign up? [Note to mayor of Hollyweird: Please place our star as far
away from Uncle Jesse’s as possible.]) THIRD! Britney Spears
worships Satan! Today the Brit-Brit’s Twatter (EW!) updated with
several phrases, including, “i hope that the new world order will
arrive as soon as possible!” and “I give myself to Lucifer every
day… Glory to Satan!” Britta’s camp is claiming her Twatter
was hacked (EW!), but y’know what? This explains a lot.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15 Do you have some Purell nearby? No? Go get some. We’ll wait. WAITING… Okay, got it?
Good! Lindsay Lohan‘s deadbeat dad, Michael, is back!
(Get the Purell ready.) Elliot Osher—a former owner of New
York’s now-defunct strip club Scores—has written a book in
which You-Know-Who makes an appearance. “Lindsay Lohan’s father once
sat down and described the kind of dancer he was looking for,” Osher
writes. (Start putting on the Purell, dears.) “We sent some girls
over,” Osher continues. (Start disinfecting.) Osher adds,
“Funny, they all seemed to look like Lindsay.” (WE WARNED YOU! PURELL
THREAT LEVEL FIVE! PURELL THREAT LEVEL FIVE! EWWWWWWW!!!) Naturally, Michael Lohan claims Osher’s
insinuations are malarkey. “No girls danced for me,” he (depressingly)
says of his visit to Scores, adding, “The last thing I’d want to see is
a girl who looked like Lindsay. I don’t even look at the magazines
where she’s done some risqué photos.” Satisfied with his
defense, Michael Lohan then speed-dialed Jessica Simpson‘s
father/hands-on manager, Joe, at which point the two discussed
how that one guy in the Mamas and the Papas got a really bum
rap.