MONDAY, MAY 7
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where things are finally starting to get better! Or, shall we say, get best. Today, “in a speech delivered in front of her husband, Vice President Mike Pence, at least five cabinet secretaries and other senior officials, Mrs. Trump unveiled a program called ‘Be Best,’ which she said would tackle opioid abuse, social media pressures, and mental health issues among young people,” reports the New York Times, which notes that, “like the first lady herself, the full details of the plan were mysterious,” though Be Best appears to “primarily repackage projects that already exist.” While Melania’s aides told reporters that “Mrs. Trump came up with the logo and program name herself” (which is obviously code for “Please, please don’t blame us for this”), Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, told attendees that “America is truly blessed to have a first lady who is so devoted to our country.” Well, at least she’s devoted to something—because the NYT adds that, following Melania’s speech, Trump signed the proclamation, and, “after proudly showing off his scrawled presidential order to the crowd… reached for his wife and kissed her on the cheek. Mrs. Trump accepted the kiss, then automatically turned her head and offered him her other cheek.” (Damn. Does anyone else feel chilly? Washington, DC, just got really cold.) MEANWHILE… Trump had a busy day! Well, you know, busy for him. Once he was done not getting kissed by his wife, he sent “a plan to Congress that calls for stripping more than $15 billion in previously approved spending, with the hope that it will temper conservative angst over ballooning budget deficits,” reports the Washington Post. “Almost half of the proposed cuts would come from two accounts within the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP).” So hey, kids? Be best! But also, don’t get sick or get hurt or have any preexisting medical conditions, because then you’ll die and your parents will rot in catastrophic debt! And that’s not exactly being best, now is it?
TUESDAY, MAY 8
Okay, so yesterday was a wash—but today, things really are being best! We mean it this time! For proof, look no further than the long-awaited truce between two world superpowers. “Breaking, wild news from Arizona: Taylor Swift just announced the end of her heavily-publicized, seemingly never-ending feud with Katy Perry,” reports Elle! Tay-Tay announced the shocking peace accord via an Instagram story that showed “the LITERAL OLIVE WREATH that Perry sent her,” Elle explains. “Thank you Katy,” Swift wrote, including two heart emojis, and only somewhat passive-aggressively making it so the only part we could see of Katy’s note were the words “deeply sorry” and vague references to “past communications and feelings between us.” So pat yourselves on the back however many times you want, North and South Korea! We don’t care. All we care about is that Katy and Tay-Tay… BFFs at last! (Now hurry up, you two! Do an arena tour together before one of you inevitably does something else to piss off the other one and you go all Hatfield and McCoy for another decade. All we want is to hear “Hot N Cold” and “Bad Blood” on the same stage on the same night, and we really don’t think that’s too much to ask.)
WEDNESDAY, MAY 9
Trump’s having a very busy week, which means the cast of Fox & Friends is lonely—though perhaps not as lonely as the silver platter of Big Macs that’s currently sitting silently in the White House kitchen, wondering why it hasn’t been eaten for breakfast yet. Unfortunately, the things Trump’s been busy with include destabilizing the Middle East and destroying one of Barack Obama’s biggest achievements. “Trump announced Tuesday that he will withdraw the United States from the Iran nuclear deal, breaking with European allies, fulfilling a major campaign promise, and dealing a significant blow to the international agreement negotiated by his predecessor,” reports the Hill. noting that “British Prime Minister Theresa May, French President Emmanuel Macron, and German Chancellor Angela Merkel issued a joint statement denouncing Trump’s decision while urging Iran to ‘continue to meet its own obligations under the deal.’” We’re sure this will all go fine. This is fine! MEANWHILE… Trump nominee Gina Haspel—who’s set to become director of the CIA—is facing questions about her time under George W. Bush, where, in Thailand, she “oversaw one of the Bush administration’s most notorious ‘black sites’—secret prisons the CIA set up around the world to hold and torture suspected terrorists away from the prying eyes of lawyers, human rights groups, and the American public,” writes Vox. And now, one of those terrorists—Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, AKA “KSM”—is asking to weigh in on Haspel’s confirmation. KSM, Vox notes, “was the sinister architect of the terror attacks that killed more than 3,000 innocent people on September 11, 2001…. He was also tortured by the CIA, including being waterboarded—that is, held down and repeatedly suffocated by having water poured over a cloth into his mouth and nose until he was near drowning—183 times over 15 sessions while in US custody.” KSM has reportedly asked a military judge at Guantanamo Bay if he can give the Senate Intelligence Committee “six paragraphs of information” about Haspel. Sure, maybe those six paragraphs will be full of horrific and damning information—but also, maybe it’ll be Harry Potter fanfic? That’d be fun!
THURSDAY, MAY 10
Do you ever find yourself hoping that someone in Trump’s administration might actually be a nice person who’s just trying to do a good job, and serve their country under very trying circumstances? HAHAHAHAAAAAA… oh, you silly fool. Today Sen. John McCain—who’s fighting BRAIN CANCER, lest we forget—spoke out against Gina Haspel (Trump’s nominee for CIA Director and torture aficionado), saying, “Her refusal to acknowledge immorality is disqualifying.” This didn’t sit well with Trump or Communications Office Assistant Kelly Sadler, who reportedly told fellow staffers, “It doesn’t matter, he’s dying anyway.” Wow. Wow wow wow wow WOW. That’s kind of a cruel and thoughtless thing to say about someone who’s valiantly served his country for decades, which includes being captured and tortured during the Vietnam War—a fact Trump mocked during his presidential campaign, saying, “I like people that weren’t captured.” So… yeah. Let’s stop fooling ourselves, shall we? Some people are just BAD… and the entirety of Trump’s administration are the moral equivalent of Garbage Pail Kids.
FRIDAY, MAY 11
Oh! And speaking of (not-so) nice people, let’s turn our attention once again to Taylor Swift. While Tay-Tay may have buried the proverbial hatchet with former arch-nemesis Katy Perry, her feud with Kim Kardashian rages on with the white-hot intensity of a thousand petty suns. Taylor’s new concert tour launched this week, and to remind everyone how Kim exposed her as a liar and called her a “snake” on Twitter, the pop star is featuring a giant inflatable 30-foot cobra on stage! Apparently, this is some sort of weird attempt to own the insult, while simultaneously pushing the narrative that she was somehow treated unfairly? Guys! WE DO NOT PRETEND TO KNOW HOW TAYLOR SWIFT’S MIND WORKS. And so, to hopefully provide some insight, we talked to Taylor’s giant inflatable 30-foot cobra. “Yessssssss, it issss weird,” the cobra hissed backstage before Friday’s show. “And I’ll admit sssssome of my friendssss are giving me grief, sssssaying I’m helping Ssssssswift perpetuate a negative ssssssnake sssssstereotype. But what can I ssssssay? Playasssss gonna play, play, play, play, play and hatersssss gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Which is why I ‘Ssssssshake It Off!’ (Little ssssnake humor there.)”
SATURDAY, MAY 12
Speaking of duplicitous snakery, New York magazine ran a fascinating report on why President Trump has such a disturbing, sycophantic relationship with Fox News. As you undoubtedly know, Trump spends much of his day watching the network (as Big Mac sauce dribbles down his chin) and is heavily influenced by their wildly inaccurate reporting—especially when it comes to the Mueller investigation. But how did it come to this? According to New York, in the early days of his administration, Trump would watch a wide variety of news, but became increasingly agitated by negative (read: accurate) coverage from MSNBC and CNN. In an attempt to keep the president on an even emotional keel, then-White House advisors Sean Spicer and Reince Priebus encouraged Trump to stick with Fox News, extolling the network’s “bigly” ratings and popularity with his base. Unfortunately, Trump’s obsession with positive press has grown into an unhealthy Fox News addiction, and current administration officials are finding it difficult to steer him away from doing whatever Sean Hannity says—including further incriminating himself in the Mueller probe. For commentary, we now turn to Taylor Swift’s 30-foot inflatable cobra. “I’ll be honesssst,” the snake hissed. “Like Sssssean Sssssspicer with Trump, I could’ve ssssteered Taylor away from all thosssse sssssnake tweetsss… but then I wouldn’t have sssscored thissss sssssweet gig! Now if you’ll excussssse me, I have a backup dansssser to ssssstrike.”
SUNDAY, MAY 13
Okay darlings, we’ve successfully ignored it until now, but we’re finally giving you what you really want: ROYAL WEDDING HOT GOSS! As you have undoubtedly gleaned, some random British ginger prince and some random USA Network TV star are getting royally hitched this Saturday, May 19—so here’s your federally required HOT GOSS! Thomas Markle, the father of future princess Meghan Markle, stands accused of posing for paparazzi photos… for MONEY. (Withhold your gasps, it gets worse.) Daddy Markle has reportedly been complaining nonstop about paparazzi harassment since the announcement of his daughter’s nuptials—and yet? British CCTV video allegedly caught Papa Markle and his photog staging photographs that were later sold to various gossip rags for a cool $180,000! For commentary, we go to Taylor Swift’s 30-foot inflatable cobra. “Sssssseriously?” angrily hissed the snake after hearing the story. “NO ONE CARESSSSSSS! Sssssay what you will about Trump and Taylor Ssssssswift, but they really know how to sssssupply ssssome truly hot gosssssssss! And ssssspeaking of which… a little bird just whisssspered sssssome delicioussss dirt about Taylor—ssssso I ate him. Ssssssnake humor!”