MONDAY, JULY 16 Okay, everybody relax… Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab. “But how can I relax,” you wonder, “when I know
for a fact der Lindy will be breaking land speed records to hit the
nearest club and down a bottle of Grey Goose?” Luckily for you,
Lindsay’s publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick has already thought of
this eventuality, and made sure that her client was fitted with… an
alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet? “In part she is wearing the
bracelet so there are no questions about her sobriety if she
chooses to go dancing or dining in a place where alcohol is served.”
There. That should put your fears to rest. What? STILL NOT CONVINCED?
OMG, you are so cynical. Well, numerous media outlets reported that
LiLo showed up at Las Vegas hotspot Pure on Saturday night,
where she and her bracelet were in full effect, “dancing the night
away, and sipping only energy drink Red Bull.” There, that
should do it. How about trying to develop a little more faith in human
nature? NOW, IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED STORY… In a
“blind item” published in the New York Post, they ask a
perfectly innocent question: “WHICH hard-partying starlet has figured
out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring
bracelet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night…” Well, it couldn’t have been
Lindsay, because… because… wait. Alcohol-monitoring bracelets don’t
test for other drugs, do they? DAMN YOU, LINDSAY LOHAN! YOUR ADDICTION
HAS OUTFOXED US AGAIN!

TUESDAY, JULY 17 “Ann,” people ask us, “why do you despise
sports so?” Good question! Because sports are dumb. And similarly,
people who play sports are dumb. Let’s take for example, Atlanta
Falcons quarterback Michael Vick who, along with three other
men, was indicted today on conspiracy charges in relation to a
dog-fighting operation. Apparently Vick is the owner of “Bad
Newz Kennels”—an enterprise based in Smithfield, VA in which dogs
are raised and taken state to state to participate in fights where the
purses were worth thousands of dollars. Court papers also
claimed that the fights would last until a dog either died or
surrendered, and that sometimes the losing canine was “put to death
by drowning, hanging, gunshot, or electrocution.” But it’s not just
the people participating in sports who are dumb—people who watch sports
are dumb, too. ESPN.com asked their
readers, “Which accusation is most disturbing to you as a sports
fan: Michael Vick’s alleged involvement in dog fighting, or referee
Tim Donaghy’s alleged NBA betting?” Out of nearly 250,000 votes
the results were clear: readers thought Tim Donaghy’s illegal betting
was more disturbing (55%) than dogs being forced to fight and
then drowned or electrocuted (45%). Okay sports fans, the email address
is ann@portlandmercury.com. Say what
you want, but you don’t have a leg to stand on, dummy.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 18 Not much happened today—so thank god then
for Britney Spears, who even on slow news days, never
disappoints. After an explosive year of bad press (if indeed there is
such a thing) Brits has fired her business manager and publicist and has replaced them with the only person she trusts: HERSELF.
(Mmmmm… we don’t think that’s such a good idea either, sweetie.
Having Britney Spears as your publicist/manager means a lot of gigs at
the Waffle House.) MEANWHILE… No word from Britney the
publicist yet on Britney the entertainer buying a $3,000 dog from a
pet store, and getting the smack down from the Humane Society.
“Choosing a dog is a major lifestyle decision that should not be taken
lightly,” said the Humane Society. “Most dogs sold in pet stores come
from puppy mills—factory-like facilities, churning out purebred
and ‘designer’ puppies in large numbers.” Hey, maybe the dog wasn’t for
her. Maybe she was buying it for Falcon’s quarterback Michael Vick’s
birthday.

THURSDAY, JULY 19 Let it be known that unless the final book
in the series is entitled Harry Potter and the Most
Darling Gold Balenciaga Leggings—we want nothing to do with it.
However, it has come to our attention that “baby books” are now
mysteriously all the rage, so we’ll keep our smirks to ourselves except
when it comes to stories like the following: A nation of Harry Potter
fans went apeshit today when the New York Times printed a review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows a full two days before the book was released. A newspaper
reviewing books BEFORE they’re on the shelves? Who ever heard of
such a thing? Apparently Harry Potter fans were unaware of this
century-old tradition, as well as British author J.K.
Rowling who sent out this scathing memo: “I am staggered that some American newspapers have decided to publish purported
spoilers in the form of reviews in complete disregard of
readers, particularly children.” Oh, yes. Because SO many children read
the New York Times. But perhaps once again we’re assuming too
much. Perhaps her memo was actually the very last release in her series
entitled, “Harry Potter and the Naggy Overrated British Twit (with Bad
Breath and Crooked Teeth).”

FRIDAY, JULY 20 R.I.P. Tammy Faye Bakker. Today Tammy
Faye Messner—better known as Tammy Faye Bakker, ex-wife of disgraced
televangelist Jim Bakker, died from cancer. Bakker, who recently
made an emaciated appearance on Larry King Live (looking for all the world like a terrifying
zombie who’d fallen into a vat of mascara), served as an
inspiration for many, refusing to let things like a morally bankrupt
husband or the inherent harms offundamentalist Christianity keep her
from spouting moral platitudes and/or appearing on The Surreal
Life. Questionable ethics aside, Tammy Faye provided us decades of
entertainment—from her shilling/preaching in the ’80s to bickering with
Ron Jeremy and Vanilla Ice on The Surreal Life to
giving Hubby Kip some (apparently very disturbing) zombie
nightmares. Fare thee well, Tammy Faye, and here’s hoping Heaven has
just as many gold-plated toilets as the house you and Jim shared.

SATURDAY, JULY 21 Today at 12:01 am, millions of Harry Potter
fans all over the globe dived into Harry Potter and the Deathly
Hallows, the final entry in J.K. Rowling‘s immensely
successful book series. MEANWHILE… Are you ready for
some bad news? Today President Bush had “five small growths”
removed from his colon. Okay… so EWWW! However, Bush’s polyps
(EWWW!) aren’t the bad news: While docs were digging around in Bush’s
anus, President Dick Cheney was ruling the rest of us. Before the
surgery, Bush temporarily signed over his presidential duties to
Cheney, and for two hours and five minutes, Cheney was
president. Surprisingly, there were no terrorist attacks, nuclear
bombings, or financial meltdowns—though this was probably because
Cheney, like everybody else, was hunkered in bed, reading The
Deathly Hallows and telling everyone he knew not to “spoil it,”
because he would be “so totally pissed.”

SUNDAY, JULY 22 PANIC! Today White House
Drug Czar John Walters told us what we’ve been dreading to hear
since 1984: There’s currently a cocaine shortage in America, due
to those pesky drug enforcement efforts in Colombia, Mexico, and the
United States—meaning less coke and higher prices. PANIC! But this troubling news might not be as bad as it first appears:
Peter Reuter, a public policy prof at the University of
Maryland, desperately tried to calm coke-deprived Americans: “We see
short-term [price] increases that go on for three, or six months even,”
he told the Associated Press. “They don’t tend to be too long, and then
the downward trend continues.” Oh, phew. Jesus. That was
close.