MONDAY, AUGUST 20 Remember when presidential candidate
Rudy Guiliani tried to impress us by claiming he was a 9/11
rescue worker? No? Okay, here’s a refresher: “I was at Ground
Zero as often, if not more, than most of the workers,” he boasted
(to the chagrin of, you know, actual rescue workers). “I was
there working with them. I was exposed to exactly the same things they
were exposed to. So in that sense, I’m one of them.” So is
Rudy—as many alleged—totally full of it? Well, thanks to
Salon.com, now we know! (Pssst! The answer is “Yes!”) Using info the New York Times dug up on
Guiliani’s post-9/11 schedule, Salon compared the time Rudy spent at
Ground Zero following the attacks to the amount of time he spent at or
traveling to the games of his favorite baseball team, the New York
Yankees, shortly after 9/11. The tally? 29 hours at Ground Zero…
and 58 hours cheering on the Yanks. In other words, Rudy’s more of a
Yankee than he is a rescue worker. But according to Hubby Kip,
Guiliani’s priorities are “way legit,” because apparently, the Yankees
“were, like, in the World Series that year.” So there you go,
Rudy—you’ve got Kip’s vote for sure, assuming WWE Raw isn’t on when it comes time to vote next November. (In November 2004,
Triple H was fighting John Cena, and Kip had “better
things to do” than vote. They involved a lot of sweaty men in too-tight
underwear.)

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21 America’s ambassador in Iraq, Ryan
Crocker, noted today that progress in the country was “extremely
disappointing and frustrating to all concerned—to us, to
Iraqis, to the Iraqi leadership itself.” In other breaking news, the
sky is still blue, and two plus two continues to equal four.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22 As we’ve learned from personal
experience (oh, the stories we could tell!), there is a way “to” drink,
and a way “not to” drink. For proof, let’s look at two recent
shenanigans—one featuring beloved comedian Bill Murray,
and another featuring regular One Day star Lindsay Lohan. (Take
a quick guess as to who drinks “correctly” and who drinks
“incorrectly.”) FIRST! While playing in a golf tournament
in Sweden, Murray was seen “cruising though downtown Stockholm in a
golf cart,” according to the Associated Press. “Police officers
spotted the Caddyshack star early Monday in the slow-moving
vehicle and noticed he smelled of alcohol.” Apparently, Murray stole
the cart from the tournament, drove around, had a few drinks, and drove
back to his hotel. While Murray refused Swedish officers’ request for a
breathalyzer (c’mon, who takes Swedish cops seriously?), the
Swedes were nonetheless charmed. “I don’t hold any grudge against Bill
Murray for borrowing our cart for a while,” tournament head Fredrik
Nilsmark said, while local restaurant owner Daniel Bodahl noted that Murray was “a very good guest,” despite the fact he’d
arrived and departed in a stolen golf cart. MEANWHILE, IN
UTAH… Lindsay Lohan—who, yes, is supposed to be
in rehab—was seen buying alcohol. This time, OK! magazine reports LiLo purchased some (wait for it) Miller Lite at “a Maverik convenience store in Orem, Utah,” not far from her Mormon
rehab retreat. Helpful tip, Linds: When you go back to your Mormon
captors—er, addiction counselors—a winningly delivered
quote from Ghostbusters can go a long way.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 23 Following in the steps of pal Paris
Hilton, today Nicole Richie went to jail for the DUI she
earned back in December, when she drove her black Mercedes SUV the
wrong way on a Los Angeles freeway. (Aw, remember that? Good
times.) Due to severe overcrowding in Los Angeles County jails,
however, Richie’s four-day sentence was lessened to a whopping 82
minutes. Okay, okay, so we know we’ve been mean to Nicole in the
past—referring to her, on occasion, as an “emaciated
zombie,” or as a “dead-eyed never-been,” but we have to give
her props for making it through those rough, tough 82 minutes in jail.
Especially since she could have easily escaped by just walking between
her cell’s bars.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24 Celebrities burn out. It’s just what
they do, and it’s what keeps this delightfully written column going,
week after week. The only question is whether celebs know they’re burning out or whether they’re oblivious. In the “aware”
category, we have once-famous actress Sally Field, who, in a
recent interview with Health magazine (way to score that coveted
interview, Health! What, was Rue McClanahan unavailable?), was asked how sh0e continues to look so good. Field
answered, “It’s hard for me to answer that question. I think I look
like dog poop.” We suspect that there was then an awkward, awkward
silence, at which point the interviewer probably agreed that yes, Sally
Field does, in fact, look a just little bit like canine feces. Ah,
journalism!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 25 Surprise! The late Mother Theresa didn’t believe in god! Such is the shocking news revealed in letters
she wrote in the 1950s and 1960s, in which the revered nun, who won the
Nobel Peace Prize in 1979, admitted, “I am told God lives in
me—and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and
emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.” She also
wrote, “Where I try to raise my thoughts to heaven, there is such
convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp
knives and hurt my very soul. Love—the word—it brings
nothing.” And if that’s not cheery enough for you, she also confessed,
“In my soul, I can’t tell you how dark it is, how painful, how
terrible—I feel like refusing God.” Okay. So that’s pretty
much the most depressing thing ever. Luckily, several pieces of
Mother Theresa’s other writing—including some Full
House fan fiction—were discovered alongside her
soul-crushingly gloomy letters, including a hilarious story in which
Uncle Joey and Uncle Jesse start a rockabilly band, much
to the delight of Baby Michelle… and much to the horror of
Danny Tanner! Oh, that Mother Theresa! How she could make us
laugh! If it were up to us, she’d get another Nobel Prize just for that
training bra scene she wrote with Kimmy Gibbler.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 26 Adorable actor Owen Wilson was
rushed to a Santa Monica hospital today, with rumors swirling that he
had attempted to commit suicide. MSNBC reported that Wilson was
rushed to the hospital shortly after noon, while tabloids like
Star and the National Enquirerinsisted that
the 38-year-old had “sliced his left wrist and taken
anindeterminate amount of pills.” In a hilariously titled story
(“Tears of a Clown: What Happened to Owen Wilson?“), ABC News
revealed that the actor—who has the dubious nickname “the
Butterscotch Stallion,” “for his womanizing ways”—has apparently
been having a hard time since he broke up with girlfriend Kate
Hudson last spring. According to Star, Wilson’s “wrist was
sutured and bandaged at the hospital,” but official details are scarce,
aside from Wilson’s statement. “I respectfully ask that the media allow
me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult
time,” Wilson wrote. And because we totally loved him in The Royal
Tenenbaums, and because we found him charming in Bottle
Rocket, and because yes, we even liked him Shanghai Noon,
just a little—we’re going to respect his wishes and give him some
distance. (Well, that, and we’re out of space for this week, so we
don’t have room to make catty comments about that hussy Kate Hudson.)
Get well soon, Butterscotch Stallion.