MONDAY, OCTOBER 1 Right off the bat, let’s make one thing
perfectly clear: One Day at a Time is not a fan of eugenics.
However, one peeky-poo at the shambles that is Britney Spears and Kevin Federline should prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that
hillbillies should be sterilized. Today a judge ordered that sole
custody of two-year-old Sean Preston and one-year-old
Jayden James would be taken away from Britney and placed into
the Cheetos dust-covered hands of Kevin. While we certainly wouldn’t
want to see these kids in an orphanage, surely there must be a
way to scientifically revert these children back to their original
sperm ‘n’ egg states, and cram them back inside their parents genitals.
But we digress. Though we’ve said this phrase a thousand times, Britney
really blew it this time. Not only did she “sleep through”
two court-mandated drug tests, Britney was also unable to produce a
valid drivers license. Why? BECAUSE SHE’S NEVER HAD A VALID DRIVERS
LICENSE. Yes, every time she’s been spotted driving around with a
kid in her lap, or smashing into parked cars, Britney has been doing so
without the benefit of a license. And because she was genetically
incapable of standing in a line at the DMV, two presumably normal
children are now under the care of America’s worst honky
rapper—who has actively spent the last few years ignoring his
OTHER biological children from a former relationship! Are we all in
agreement then? That there is no God?

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2 Apparently there are still a few of you
out there who continue to believe in God—and we respect your
beliefs. However, will you be able to respect YOURSELF after hearing
the next two stories? Unrepentant closeted homosexual Senator Larry
Craig has been chosen for induction into the Idaho Hall of
Fame—even though he was arrested for attempting to seduce a
male undercover cop in an airport restroom. According to the Hall of
Fame’s chairman, they chose Craig for the honor in March, months
before his sexy arrest… that, and Idaho doesn’t really have much
to offer other than potatoes and sexual deviants.
MEANWHILE… And speaking of sexual deviants,
here’s a sordid tale from PORTLAND, wherein six men have filed a new
lawsuit right here in Multnomah County against the Mormon
Church and the Boy Scouts of America, who stand accused of
ignoring sex abuses committed decades ago by a man who worked in
both organizations. According to Reuters, the men filing the complaint
allege that registered sex offender Timur Dykes repeatedly
abused them when he was a scout leader and a spiritual leader in the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints—and neither the
church nor the scouts did anything about it. Think that’s bad? If Dykes
were in Idaho he’d be inducted into the Hall of Fame.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3 The humiliating week of Britney
Spears just got more humiliating-ier (we’re pretty sure that’s a
real word)—because now there’s a potential Britney sex
tape floating around! BUT BEFORE YOU GET YOUR HOPES UP, there’s a
very good reason this alleged tape may never see the light of day.
According to In Touch Weekly, the man who slept with Britney
back in June and videotaped the exploit says that “the only thing
holding him back from releasing the video is that he was so
disappointed by his own performance, he is embarrassed to let
the rest of the world see it!” Okay. First of all, it’s an amateur porn
tape. We’re not expecting Laurence Olivier. Secondly, it’s an
amateur porn tape—and the guy is doing Britney Spears. We don’t
expect him to last longer than our Hubby Kip… who isn’t
exactly a porn star himself. (We’re not complaining, mind
you—we’ve just learned to manage expectations.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4 Crooked-nosed heartthrob Owen
Wilson made his first public appearance tonight since his
reported suicide attempt just over a month ago. He showed up for
the premiere of his new film The Darjeeling Limited (directed by
friend and college roommate Wes Anderson), but skipped the red
carpet to avoid icky probing questions that, frankly, would’ve
made everyone feel uncomfortable. He was given a warm reception by the
crowd and ducked out of the theater before the film began. OKAY,
BRITNEY AND LINDSAY? This is how you do it. Commit a grave
error, disappear for a while, pop your head in the door just to say
“hi,” AND LEAVE. (Though even Owen would have to admit that this short
break would’ve been the perfect time for a nose job.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5 Today Lindsay Lohan checked out of
rehab. Congrats, Linds! Hugs and kisses. We wish you all the
best, and if there’s anything we can do to help you turn over this new
leaf, you just say the word, dear. MEANWHILE… Is it
illegal to run a betting parlor out of your home? We suspect it
might be, but the hell with it—we’re doing it anyway! We all know
it’s only a matter of weeks—if not days—until LiLo is back,
either (A) in jail, (B) stuck in another rehab center, or (C)
drunkenly crashing through your living room in a stolen SUV.
We’ve got $20 that says (A), (B), or (C) will happen in the next 35-40
minutes. Taking bets! Odds are on (C), just FYI.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6 Ah, women in movies—who
needs ’em? According to a ton of Hollyweird blabbermouths, the
president of production at Warner Bros., Jeff Robinov, has been
telling coworkers, “We are no longer doing movies with women in the
lead.” Robinov’s reasons? Two female-led Warner Bros. bombs, The
Invasion, with Nicole Kidman, and The Brave One, with
Jodie Foster. According to Robinov, the reasons those movies
tanked was because moviegoers don’t like women. (Oh, it’s so
obvious now! Of course it was Nicole and Jodie’s fault. Them and
their no-good vaginas. It certainly wasn’t because the scripts for
those movies, you know, sucked.) Obviously, there are some
downsides to Robinov’s inane, misogynistic decree: Hollywood gets even
more chauvinistic, there are even fewer good roles for women, and we
have an overall feeling of ickiness that’s going to take several
showers to wash off. But there’s always a silver lining, right? In this
case: No more Sandra Bullock movies. Admit it: Being able to go
into Fox Tower without fear of accidentally stumbling into Miss
Congeniality 3: Book Club! is something we can all get
behind.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7 So. Blackwater. Republicans call
them “independent contractors,” while everyone with common sense calls
them “mercenaries.” But the shit hit the fan for Blackwater’s
soldiers of fortune this week, when it came out that the
company’s mercenaries—er, “contract security guards”—had
killed a whole bunch of innocent Iraqis on September 16. The
New York Times reports that Erik Prince, the head of
Blackwater USA, told a House investigative panel that his employees
were merely responding to hostile fire in the shootout (which according
to the US, killed eight Iraqis, and according to the Iraqis, killed
17). Witnesses and the country’s officials beg to differ, with the
Iraqi government calling the action “deliberate murder.”
Meanwhile, a Congressional committee found that Blackwater guards have
regularly “fired their weapons from moving vehicles without stopping
to count the dead or assist the wounded” and “sought to cover up
other episodes.” The report also lashed into the State Department “for
exercising virtually no restraint or supervision” over
Blackwater’s 861 Iraq employees, despite diplomats’ repeated
warnings regarding their conduct. How strange. You’d think somebody
would have told Blackwater about the whole “winning the hearts and
minds of Iraqis” thing, but it must have escaped their notice.