MONDAY, JANUARY 7 First, a correction! Last week in One Day,
we referred to Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney as
a Seventh-day Adventist, when he is actually a Mormon. The big
difference? Mormons believe that Joseph Smith found golden
tablets in the ground (conveniently buried by an angel in upstate New
York), while Adventists go to church on Saturday, believe that Jesus
and Satan are in a war for the universe, and don’t like dancing and
rock music. Which is a whole different can of crazy. Sorry for the
misunderstanding! MEANWHILE… Speaking of cans of crazy,
even more hilariously awful details have emerged regarding Britney
Spears locking herself and her kid in the mansion’s bathroom, and
being taken to the temporary loony bin on a stretcher. According
to sources blabbing to TMZ.com, Britney
was locked in the toilet with young Jayden James for
three hours. When the cops did finally talk her out, she was dressed in
nothing but panties (the panty designer is currently unknown).
Brit was allegedly screaming/crying/laughing, “What the fuck are you
doing in my house?!” and “I don’t need your fucking help!” and “You
will do as I say!” (Hmmm… we say these things to hubby Kip on
nearly a daily basis.) BUT HERE’S THE BEST PART. When police asked Brit
to put on some clothes, she responded by slipping on a see-through
nightie. When the cops tried to disguise her nudity, she screamed,
“Don’t cover me up! I’m fucking hot!” (Let’s assume she meant
“temperature-wise.”)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8 After last week’s Iowa caucuses wherein
the dreamy Barack Obama scored a come-from-behind victory
against the pursed-lipped Hillary Clinton, one would assume the
same thing would happen again in New Hampshire… that is, if you
believe the idiots who conduct opinion polls. However, the script was
once again flipped today when Hillary put the smackdown on
Barack—especially with the female population, swamping him 46
percent to 34 percent, according to the Huffington Post. Never mind
that Barack is a hunky fantasy come to life, and Hillary acts and
dresses like your Aunt Rhoda… it’s become wildly apparent that the
women of New Hampshire are screwed in the priorities department. But
listen to the reasoning of clearly insane Hillary supporter Joyce
Connelly of New Hampshire: “I think she’s human. She’s got clout.”
So now she appears human? Congrats, Hill. That’s one step up
from last month, when most voters confused her with a moldy dish mop.
VOTE FOR BARACK IN NEVADA, PEOPLE! MEANWHILE… Speaking
of being stabbed in the back, Democratic hopeful John Edwards received an unwelcome surprise when former running mate John
Kerry threw his support to Barack Obama. BURN! However, Edwards gracefully accepted this monumental snub in his
characteristically genteel manner: “Our country and our party are
stronger because of John’s service, and I respect his decision.” Then
he paused, and shaking with anger, pointed at Kerry and started
screaming the lyrics to Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta
Know.”

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9 For reasons still unknown, Britney
Spears has been released from the loony bin ward of the
hospital, and allowed to once again cavort around town with her newest
winner of a boyfriend, married paparazzo Adnan Ghalib.
Britney… it’s one thing to date a married man, but he has a
soul patch, for the love of god! They could’ve kept her
in the mental ward for that alone! Regardless, the pair pulled the old
switcheroo on the tabloids today when, instead of jetting off to
NYC as they had promised, they ended up hiding out in a Mexico hotel.
Sharing a $235-a-night room at the Rosarito Beach Hotel in Ensenada,
the two were obviously expecting an anonymous getaway—that is,
until the staff somehow saw through Britney’s cunning disguise of jeans, black boots, and a shocking pink wig. (Subtle, Brit.)
Besides, who could mistake that creepy guy with the… the… soul
patch? BRRRRRR!! MEANWHILE… Today it was revealed
that Brit’s pregnant li’l 16-year-old sis Jamie Lynn Spears has
been unceremoniously dumped by her hayseed boyfriend, who is now
demanding proof that he’s actually the father of the child.
Ohhh, hillbillies! What hilarity you bring to the world!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10 And just so we don’t depart this week
thinking that Britney has cornered the market on crazy, remember a
little nutbag known as Paula Abdul? With American Idol returning next week, and an obviously diminishing supply of meds, Paula
has returned with another new droopy-eyed freakout. A tipster tells
Radar Online that over the holidays, Paula “had an insane nervous
breakdown that lasted 10 minutes” at the Continental Airlines
terminal of LAX. “One minute she was hyperventilating and on the verge
of passing out,” said the snoop, “the next she was yelling into her
cell phone in this deep, rage-filled Poltergeist voice. She kept screaming three names over and
over—Michael, Sidney, and Leslie. Everyone was staring and
she didn’t care.” What’s the big mystery? It’s obvious who Michael,
Sidney, and Leslie are. Michael is her Prozac, Sidney is her
flask of gin, and Leslie is the little blue fairy that
holds her head up right. And if they don’t show up soon, this could be
the most entertaining American Idol yet!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11 Well, it’s official: Nicole Richie is a mother, and so is Christina Aguilera. Today at
Cedars-Sinai, Nicole and boyfriend Joel Madden gave birth to Harlow
Winter Kate Madden, an atrociously named baby girl, while just a
few rooms away, Christina and husband Jordan Bratman squirted
out Max Liron Bratman, an awkwardly named baby boy. Our own
maternal instincts aside, we can’t vouch for the parenting skillz of
either Xtina or Nicole (don’t forget to feed the baby, Nic!)—but
we can say both mothers, even if they immediately abandon their babies
in Cedar-Sinai’s dumpsters before joining up for a three-week coke and
vodka binge, will be far superior caretakers than Britney
Spears. Who is, as far as we know, still in Mexico, doing god knows
what.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 12 We do know, however, what
veterans of the Iraq War are up to: killing people. Today the
New York Times published a sobering story about their discovery
of no less than 121 cases of Iraq and Afghanistan veterans having
committed murder, or been charged with murder, after returning to
America. “Individually, these are stories of local crimes,
gut-wrenching postscripts to the war for the military men, their
victims, and their communities. Taken together, they paint the
patchwork picture of a quiet phenomenon, tracing a cross-country
trail of death and heartbreak,” the Times wrote. Blaming
combat trauma and the stress of military deployment, the piece also
noted that the Pentagon itself has admitted the military’s mental
health system is “overburdened,” “understaffed,” and poorly financed,
with few ex-soldiers seeking post-war mental care.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 13 “We are the authorities on the mind,”
Tom Cruise recently said in a Scientology infomercial.
“We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures.
Now is the time.” Okay, so that’s nothing less than terrifying.
(It doesn’t help that a new unauthorized biography about Cruise alleges
that Maverick himself is actually second-in-command for the Cult
Church of Scientology.) Where can we turn for help? Well, not to
Will Smith. Apparently, the world’s other top movie star
is getting sucked into Scientology as well, with the Fresh
Prince—a buddy of Cruise’s—reportedly giving out coupons
for “personality tests” at Scientology reeducation centers on
the set of his latest film. Totes obviously, this does not bode well.
“This bodes incredibly well!” read a press release from Emperor
Klaktu of Rigel VII. “Now that the pathetic Earthlings’ two
favorite movie stars are utterly enslaved to the spectral necroplasm of
L. Ron Hubbard, we Scientologists can finally move to Step Beta
XI of our Earth Dominion Plan! Thetans and non-believers, begone! Like
a hunted lava-hound from the fourth moon of Granthar, your time is
limited!” Translation: You’re next, DJ Jazzy Jeff.