MONDAY, JANUARY 14 Like a nightmare from which one can never awake,
Britney Spears is back with another weeklong tumble into
embarrassment. The headline from Life & Style Weekly?
Britney’s Nude Shopping Tirade! Here’s the scoopage:
Brit and her soul-patched douche of a new boyfriend made yet
another spectacle of themselves yesterday at the Betsey Johnson store
in Sherman Oaks, California. Apparently, Brit grabbed an armload of
dresses and disappeared into the changing room with Soul Patch in tow.
Suddenly, and without warning, Brit walked back onto the floor of the
store—completely buck-nekkid, ya’ll! “I was blown away.
Britney’s private parts were right in front of me,” said a
traumatized store employee who had obviously never seen a clumsily
administered caesarean scar. “I grabbed a dress to cover her and she
screamed, ‘GET AWAY FROM ME! DON’T YOU FUCKING COME NEAR ME!’ Then she disappeared in the dressing room with Adnan
[Soul Patch Douchebag] for 45 minutes. They were making weird
noises. It was disgusting.” BTW, we can totes believe this story
was the inspiration for Cloverfield. Anyway, when the loathsome
twosome finally emerged, the poor employee couldn’t even understand
what Brit was saying. “She was slurring and spitting,” he said, “and
talking with a British accent. Her face was covered with cold
sores and acne, and her scalp was patchy. Then she muttered,
‘Fuck you!’ and left the store.” WOW! Cold sores? British
accent? Spitting? Patchy scalp?? Too… much… to … make… fun…
of! Can’t… process! Shutting down… Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… zzt!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15 Wow. We’re still speechless from yesterday’s
sinking of the Britanic. However, there was so much more, we are forced
to devote today’s entry to Britney as well! As mentioned last
week, after missing a laundry list of court dates, Monday’s
deposition was seemingly Brit’s final chance to wrest
control of her kids from the hillbilly tendrils of Kevin
Federline. And she almost made it, too! On Monday, she actually
showed up at the courthouse, stepped out of the car, and… and…
nope, couldn’t do it. “I’m scared,” Britney told the flock of
photogs, as she pushed her way back to the car. “Stop it. I want to get
back in the car. Let me get in the car, please!” And with that,
Kevin keeps sole custody of the children for another month. (Can
someone give them a bath, please? That Cheetos dust is almost an inch
thick.) MEANWHILE… Perhaps they’re psychic… or maybe it’s
just being prepared. Regardless, the Associated Press has
already written Britney’s obituary. According to Us
Weekly, the news wire service started preparing Brit’s death
announcement last month. “I think one would agree that Britney seems
at risk right now,” says AP Entertainment Editor Jesse Washington.
“Of course we would never wish any type of misfortune on anybody and
hope that we never have to use it until 50 years from now… but if
something were to happen, we would have to be prepared.” SPEAKING OF
BEING PREPARED, it was also announced today that Lindsay Lohan will be working at a MORGUE as part of her punishment for
drunken driving. And how great would it be if Lindsay and Britney
showed up there AT THE SAME TIME? Just in case, we’re going to start
writing that story right now!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16 Today a new Tom Cruise/Scientology
video hit the web, reminding everyone just how crazy “crazy” can
get. In this infomercial for the cul… ummm, “church,” Tom
looks dreamily intense as he lovingly describes the virtues of
membership… while making exactly ZERO sense. “We’re the
authorities on the mind,” Tom says of his crackpot crew. “We’re
the authorities on improving conditions. We can rehabilitate criminals.
We can bring peace and unite cultures.” [We assume he’s talking about
here on Earth, and not the planet Rigel VII.] “Being a
Scientologist,” he continues, “when you drive past an
accident… you know you have to do something about it because you
know you’re the only one who can help.” OHHH-KAY… so Britney took off
all her clothes in a department store and started spitting and slurring
in a British accent. Any of you guys feel like stopping to help?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17 Congratulations to Hillary Clinton for
winning yesterday’s Michigan Democratic primary—even
though she was the only person on the ballot. OH! Wait. There was also
“undecided.” Apparently, because of a dispute over the date of
the vote, Michigan couldn’t get its shit together in time—leaving
all the candidates (except Hillary) off the ballot. Luckily for the
dreamy and extremely electable Barack Obama, the national
Democratic Party stripped the state of its delegates, making its
primary utterly meaningless. As long as we’re at it, can we go ahead
and strip Michigan of its statehood, too?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18 Tyra Banks is an idiot. We’ve spent the
last 45 minutes trying to figure out why she’s so
successful—since between her “teaching self-conscious girls how
to throw up” prime-time thing and her “I wish I was Oprah!” daytime
thing, she makes an estimated $18 million annually. (Other than
unfortunately revealing swimsuits, we’re not sure
what she’s spending all that money on, but we could spend it far
better. We’ve had our eye on a pair of Dries Van Notens to die for.) Anyway, today Tyra interviewed a clearly desperate-for-exposure
Hillary Clinton. Here are some excerpts from the Interview of
the Century™. TYRA: “If you were a contestant on a reality show,
would you rather be on Dancing with the Stars, American
Idol, or America’s Next Top Model?” HILLARY: “In my dreams,
I would be on America’s Next Top Model. But in reality, I would
have to choose [from] my limited talents, and of them dancing is better
than singing. You do not want me to sing!” Agreed. And then
there’s this: TYRA: “Now, if you win, are you going to be ‘Madam
President’ or ‘Madame’? [Bill Clinton] has to have another name
because… it would be your time.” HILLARY: “Well, that is true. He’ll
always be Mr. President, but now we need to do a nationwide
contest for a name.” TYRA: “Like a reality show!” Yes, Tyra.
Like a reality show. Omigod, she’s an idiot.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19 O.J. Simpson posted $250,000 bail
earlier this week in order to get out of jail for that weird armed
robbery thing he did in Vegas last September. The bail would have been
more, but O.J.’s attorney made a really good point: Simpson “cannot
even walk out his front door without TV cameras following him,” and
thus wasn’t much of a flight risk. Now, we don’t say this very often,
so appreciate it, photogs: God bless the paparazzi. As long as
they keep their cameras trained on the Juice, the world will be just a
little bit less stabby.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 20 Hmmm… we don’t know… ohhh, sure. Why not?
Britney Spears has multiple personality disorder!
According to the gossip psychiatrists at TMZ, whenever Britney’s slips
in and out of her British accent… well, that’s just one of her many
multiple personalities—which include “the weepy girl, the
diva, the incoherent girl,” ad infinitum. Sources say Brit “has no
recollection” of what she does when she’s speaking in her British
accent. When reached for comment, the Britta had a totes legit
explanation. “Cor blimey, gov! Rather a bit o’ the ol’ rumpy
pumpy, idn’t it! S’whole lotta poppycock is wha’ tha’ is! Oi, so I’m on
the piss, an’ crickey, howsabouts a bit o’ how’s yer father? You’re
nicked if yeh think… chim-chim-cheree! Between the bee’s knees
and the dog’s bollocks! Belt up ‘fore I throw a spanner inta yer works!
Barkin’ barmy!” And so it went, on and on, with Britney
demanding “quid” and “threppence” until everyone gradually lost
interest.